Sunday, 3 February 2013

Let's twist again

So I've been in pain, real pain. The type of pain that makes all the colour drain from your face and you need to pant through it. The pain was so bad last night that I actually told the Hubster "I need to go to hospital." Queue blood draining from the Hubster's face, scary times - I don't think I'd realised up until that point how stressful all of this has been on my lovely Hubster. The flat may look like an upside down mess but who am I do have a go at him about that when let's face it - all of his energy has been put into making sure that I'm ok?

The day had started out so well as well, we were up at 8:30am getting ready to go to Kings for embryo transfer (ET). We were told to treat Saturday like ET day and if enough of our little mini-mes had made it to day three and were dividing evenly we could go for a day five (blastocyst) transfer. At 9:15am we got the call from the embryologist to say that 3/4 of our embryos were still going strong and were of a very high quality - we could go for Monday transfer - woo hoo! Absolutely buzzing, this is what I'd been praying for - I knew all my PMA was worth it - go, go, go mini-mes - we're willing you on!

This was the best I'd felt in days, I could actually put my new (stretchy) jeans on as the bloat had decreased and I guess the adrenalin rush had something to do with the feel good factor, so the Hubster and I went out for brunch. Whilst at brunch, my consultant called to check on my symptoms (as it was a Saturday I had the doctor call and not a nurse as usual). I told him I was actually up and out for the first time since Wednesday, the bloat had subsided somewhat but I still was nowhere near 100%. He asked about how much I was peeing and he seemed happy with that, but I'm still under close observation as symptoms of OHSS can fluctuate on an hourly basis. The previous day I had a very bad, sharp stabbing pain in the womb/ovary area, it lasted about 10 minutes then went thankfully. Apparently this is my ovary twisting - WTF?!?! Due to over stimulation my ovaries are very large, they sit independently on both sides of the womb. Sudden movement can make them twist - I had no idea about this. They normally twist back by themselves, if the pain stays, it's what's called an emergency and I'm to call the on-call gyno at Kings ASAP and head to A&E if necessary.

OK!!! I felt reassured to know what that pain was and glad my body had sorted it out by itself. Fast forward 12 hours and I look like a ghost, not communicating with the Hubster other than the odd grunt and pointing at whatever I needed - at that point I was demanding a fresh hot water bottle. It took 30 minutes for the pain to go last night and I was scared, really scared (but I didn't let on to the Hubster how scared I was). Having read the OHSS leaflet again that one of the nurses gave me on Wednesday I've now noticed the section on acute abdominal pain it says to call them immediately if I get it. I never really understood what acute pain was until I got OHSS; I've never felt pain like it - EVER, and I pray I don't feel it again.

After brunch we went to the in-laws, it was there my bloating suddenly came back, I had to undo my jeans and I started waddling again - my pee output had suddenly gone down as well so we rushed home (as much as a person in my condition can rush that is), I got back into bed (boooooo), inhaled some water and then I started peeling again - phew. It's now Sunday morning, the bloat is still there (and as big as ever) but my twisted ovary has twisted itself back - thank f**k for that. I have NEVER felt pain like it.

I've had some well meaning friends try to get me to "think myself better" which normally I am an advocate of but this is something totally different to a bug; do they not think that I have already been willing my body to stop doing what it's doing? My friends should know I'm a glass half full kinda girl so thinking my way out of this horrid condition is already on the agenda. If the power of thought alone was enough to stop my follicles from filling up with protein rich liquid, which then seeps out into my abdomen causing the massive bloat, I really would've kicked this OHSS by now but it ain't as simple as that. Telling me to think myself better is a bit like telling a 15 year old girl who has unwittingly found out she's pregnant (and she doesn't want to be), that she can think herself to not be pregnant! That shizzle doesn't happen! This isn't the lurgy, or a tummy bug or a fit of melodramatic depression, its an overreaction to the Gonal F, it is what it is and it will be gone soon enough; the best thing to do is for me to give-in to what's happening, relax, don't stress about it, drink oodles of liquid and rest, rest, rest. 

I know my friends mean well and if you're reading this and you're one of my well meaning friends who gave me the thinking advice please don't get upset with me, I know none of you want me to go through this and that your heart is in the right place. If you know me at all you'll know that I've read masses on this, I understand the condition and how dangerous it can be and I'm doing what the doctors are telling me to do. All my positivity is being channelled towards our mini-mes, willing them to stay strong and to develop into blastocysts. I finally stumbled across a blog that is as honest as my blog on OHSS - have a read - it really made me feel better and it might give you a better understanding of the excruciating pain that no amount of thought is able to combat; it made me realise that I'm not going mad imagining these symptoms - you just need to look at me to see something isn't right!

Bloated Jojo - not looking too happy about the situation (and most certainly not my most attractive photo but I thought I should share the love). This was taken yesterday (Saturday 2 February 2013) - I'm a bit bigger since then - the irony isn't lost on me that I look rather pregnant!

Despite all of this (and it appears that I have had a rather tough IVF experience so far) I am still in very good spirits. I may have had to jump through hoops with the NHS to get my treatment but you know what? I'm glad I had to jump through hoops as IVF is anything but a quick-fix, it's a long hard slog (physically and emotionally). This is expensive, hardcore, invasive treatment - they need to be certain only the right couples get the treatment.

I'm totally in awe of what the doctors do at Kings and I feel nothing but love for them. The NHS, despite its faults is a wonderful thing and I feel so lucky to be where I am, I am blessed to have my mini-mes dividing away in a petri dish in SE5, I'm a very lucky girl - I just need lady luck to be on my side from this day onwards. I just need one of my mini-mes to take up residence with me and we can get on with getting to know each other. It's gonna happen and I know I'll have some babies left over for another time; I can't possibly have endured all of this for it not to work (and I am banishing those seeds of doubt out of my head this very instant!) Knowing I have mini-mes in a petri dish in SE5 makes me very happy and excited. I know the OHSS is likely to get worse and possibly stay with me for weeks to come if I get pregnant but you know what? I don't care, whatever it takes as two want to become three. Tomorrow is blastocyst transfer day - excited doesn't come close :)

Catch ya later :) x

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