One year on

It's 29 October 2015. Four days ago I had a massive gush of blood, I was six weeks pregnant. I would be seeing my consultant for a scan the following day. The day when we hold our breaths and hope to see a heartbeat. I knew deep down it was all over but I still had hope. The bleeding stopped as quickly as it started and Dr. Google told me that there was a strong possibility that the bleed could just be a clot and all would be ok. But I knew.

The 30 October 2015, when I was told we had a missed miscarriage and our fourth round of IVF hadn't worked started a chain of events I wasn't expecting.

Soon afterwards I lost my job. I became depressed. I reluctantly had a frozen cycle the following New Year which also resulted in a (strong) pregnancy but also resulted in another miscarriage (although this was far more dramatic and violent and heartbreaking - we had seen a heartbeat the week beforehand and I naively thought 'this was it.')

Since then I have lost the plot, regrouped and got myself a fantastic job that I love. It's funny how things turn out, isn't it? I have made a fantastic new 'barren friend' Katy. We were brought together through sad circumstance, introduced by my best friend, meeting for the first time on a 'blind date' at the Southbank in Spring. She's been through the toughest journeys and I was able to help her through it. Without my new barren friend Katy, I'm not sure how I would've gotten through this year. So from the pain of infertility and the dashed dreams of having a baby of our own, I have made a life-long, solid friendship and I feel blessed. I'm happy-ish, things seem to be on the up. My marriage to my amazing Hubster is the strongest it has ever been. I'm the fittest and healthiest I have ever been. There are lots of positives but we still don't have a baby. I'm hoping our luck changes.

As we approach National Fertility Awareness week 2016 (#NFAW16) I felt compelled to pick my blog back up. To take a deep breath and start sharing this journey with you all again. 2016 has been a pretty crap year in the Courtney fertility stakes. Our strength has been tested and I have been overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed by life. Overwhelmed by people telling me how brave I am (I'm not brave - trust me. I'm just trying to become a Mother and that urge is strong. Not that I'm not already a Mother. My babies are Angel Babies who I never got to meet in person). I've also been overwhelmed by the love and support of friends and family as we have been forced to navigate through what can only be described as a living hell of grief. When life blurs by and you somehow, miraculously  'carry on.' 

I have been most overwhelmed by the brave, honest accounts given by my fellow infertilies in the Fertility Network's  #HiddenFaces campaign. My amazing Hubster and I recorded our account of what the journey has been like these eight years of trying to become parents. It was hard but something we both felt like we had to do and we're both glad we did it. You see, there's nothing to be ashamed of and if we want to get people talking about what it's really like then someone has to make the first move and start talking, so we stepped up to the plate.

Show your support for these brave people. They have been on a super hard journey that makes you question everything. I'll share our video when it goes live next week but for now, I'm thinking of my first Angel Baby and what might've been.

Much love, hugs, compassion and strength to everyone who is struggling to start a family of their own, and to those who have had to carve a new life out for themselves after experiencing infertility. We are not alone and our faces are no longer hidden.

#HiddenFaces #NFAW16 

2013 is over. Halle-bloody-lujah!

Hello there,

It's been a while since my last blog post, sorry about that. 2013 without a shadow of a doubt was a big fat pile of stinking poo and I am oh so glad to welcome in the New Year and all the hope and optimism that the start of a New Year holds.

Our optimism for 2014 was shattered at around 4am on 1 January 2014 by some nasty words from someone who we had only just started to get to know. I thought this woman was going to become a friend of sorts - I felt like she had nice vibes and although I don't always agree with her often controversial opinions my gut told me she was a good egg. Oh how wrong my gut was. I told this woman about our failed IVF attempts in the Summer and she gave the best reaction anyone has given - she hugged me. No words, just a massive hug - she seemed to know that was exactly what I needed and I was touched by her intuition, so her words in the wee hours of 2014 came as a shock. 

Despite blogging and being quite open with friends and family about our IVF journey it is still quite hard to talk about and is also something that I don't want to define me - I am so much more than a woman who has been trying to get pregnant for just over four years. As my Hubster and I decided to call it a night on NYE we went to say our goodbyes to our friends who we knew would try their hardest to convince us to stay. Upon saying goodbye to this woman she decided that we shouldn't be going home yet, she tried to get my Hubster to take his coat off - the usual shenanigans when one decides to leave early (when in a past life we were known for going the distance). Anyhow, the 'goodbye' quickly turned into some weird verbal assault on my wonderful Hubster. This woman who barely knows us decided to call my Hubster 'repressed' and then said that she would be 'having words with him later', whilst hugging him tightly and not letting him go. My brother-in-law and I looked on bemused, I tried to intervene but it seemed useless, she'd let go of him in a minute and then we could go home! Then, out of nowhere she pipes up ' you and Johanna need to accept that you'll NEVER have children.' 

EXCUSE ME? Who the hell do you think you are? Some form of oracle who has been granted the right to tell people their future? What is your agenda? What is your motivation for saying these things and why oh why are people duped into being friends with you? One good thing came out of your words: you have shown your true colours and my Hubster and I are glad to have started 2014 with you removed from our lives. 

This woman was privileged enough to be let in to our little world earlier this year - I told her about the pain, I explained that's why we don't go out partying anymore, that's why we keep our heads down and yes - it is why we're no longer the life and soul of the party as we have been grieving; IVF changes people who have had to go through it and not got the desired results but we're trying to live life to the full once again and have fun. We were delighted to stick two fingers up to 2013 and to welcome in the New Year. We'd just got our confidence and optimism back, we were full of joy, we were with our fabulous friends and and family who love us and were pleased to have us out celebrating with them and we were happy to be with them. And then this woman who I had trusted enough to tell her what we'd been through decided to project her negative, warped view of the world onto us. We left the party feeling sad, shocked, sullen and angry. But no more. She can keep her words, stick them where the sun doesn't shine and she can choke on them for all I care - we're not going to let her words ruin all the hard work we have done in repairing our souls in the second half of 2013.

That's the strange thing about infertility. Everyone has an opinion:

'Why don't you adopt?'

'Pray and God will hear your prayers and grant you a child'

'Just relax and it will happen' 

'Have you tried monitoring your cycle?' REALLY?! Are you REALLY asking me that?! For goodness sake - I know more about natural family planning than most doctors and I know the workings of my body better than anyone. 

Here's my reply - keep your thoughts to yourself please. It's actually none of your business so hush your beak, you don't really know the ins-and-outs of our situation and have no right to comment. Don't tell us to relax or just forget about it. It's akin to the itch you get just after receiving a mozzie bite - it can't be ignored and has to be scratched. Relaxing doesn't stop the urge to have a baby and it doesn't help conception.

OR some nasty people decide to tell you:

'You'll never have children.'

To the woman who said these words to us: How dare you inflict such negativity on us. How dare you. My husband is far from repressed, if you want to have 'words' with him you have to get past me first, hurt a member of my family again with your words or actions and you will rue the day you ever met me.

What does help a couple working their way through the land of IF is love, compassion, laughter, a shoulder to lean on and support. Bring on a year full of positivity, hope and love. 

My lovely brother-in-law responded to this vitriol with heartfelt love; his words touched our hearts and they have been echoed by all our friends and family who heard what happened. He told us that we'd be great parents one day, and I believe him. We are blessed to have loving friends and family in our lives. Thank you for being our rocks - we love you all very much x