La La Land...

I wish I was rubbish with dates.

This time last year I was one day post embryo transfer and convinced my mini-me was going to stick - on the same day in 2014 one of girlfriends has given birth to a beautiful baby girl and I'm ok with that. In fact I'm really happy. That's the difference a year makes, I've learnt how to focus on the here and now after spending a lot of money on counselling, acupuncture and holidays!

Sometimes I wish I could jump into La La land and forget the past year. I have been up and down this week, repeating silently in my head: 'I just need to get passed 12 February and I'll be fine.' I started off really low - I heard on Sunday that someone I know had a failed cycle and it made me cry really hard. Hearing about that just as I'm gearing myself up to deal with our anniversary of a failed cycle was tough - those emotions came flooding back - the heavy sick feeling and heartache. But the infertile learns to live with this. I know so many people dealing with infertility that you just have to 'man-up' and get on with it. In some warped way I wouldn't change a thing of the past 12 months; I much prefer the  2014 Jojo than the Jojo of 2012/2013.

• I'm calm - really calm.
• I'm positive about the future as I know that both my Hubster and I are the healthiest we've ever been.
• I'm a massive fan of green smoothies (more about that in my next blog).
• I'm focused - I know what I want and I'm going to do everything in my power to get it.
• I don't accept nonsense anymore - if you wanna see me, come see me. If you wanna talk, call me, engage with me, interact with me but please don't keep thinking this one-sided relationship is going to continue. You need to make an effort but I'm not going to be the one to make the first move all the time. It means I'm starting to lose contact with people, people I love but that's the way it is. If friends and family are reading this and you're thinking 'poop, she's talking about me' then you're probably right! I'm not cross with you, I miss you but I want you to make an effort for me, I'm focused on my little unit - this is where my energy is. I don't have the cash to spend on train tickets to visit - sorry about that. I would love you to call me or even send me a text :)
• And I'm excited as (gulp) - we're starting all over again - this is why I only have time for my immediate environment. I want to go to Ireland to visit family and see my Grandma but I can't afford it - I hope you understand Grandma? I want more than anything to see you, really I do so you make sure you hang around so when we do have the cash we can come and visit. One day I hope to put a great grandchild in your arms.

Forwards we go. We've been saving like lunatics to make it happen. A lot of people begrudge paying for IVF. My Dad nearly had a coronary when I told him we'll need about £8k in total for this round of treatment - but what cost do you put on the creation of life? And not just any life but my very own mini-me? We were lucky to get treatment on the NHS but now it is our turn to invest and we are going to pay for the best treatment there is available to us.

Sometimes I amaze myself at my resilience (most people will say I'm just stubborn). A couple of weeks ago I overcame a massive mental hurdle: I attended not one but two babyshowers in as many weeks - now that is what I call a challenge for the average infertile. What I have discovered is that my issue with babyshowers was all in my head, they're not THAT bad if you have the right friends. My Bessie had her babyshower in June last year - a few weeks after our FET cycle didn't work. I was in a right old flap about her baby shower. Most people who I spoke to about it told me not to worry and not to put myself through it, one person asked if I 'was able to be happy for my Bessie and just go - to put my own feelings aside for one afternoon?!' I know what was meant by imparting this advice, but it was my friends (and my own) happiness that I was in knots about. Maybe you have to have gone through pregnancy loss, or several IVF rounds to understand that this was about anything but not being happy for my Bessie, it was about dealing with grief and not wanting my grief to ruin a happy occasion. The most understanding person was my Bessie. Of course she was - that's why she's my Bessie! Cooing over baby things so close to a failed IVF cycle would have been horrific and I just couldn't face it so I did the right thing for me and hung out with my baby bro for the day instead. That was the right thing to do for all of us.

The birth of my Bessie's 'Little Buddha' was by far the most amazing thing to happen in 2013. I adore her, she is the most chilled out, alert, happy, smiley baby who loves her grub and knows who her Auntie Jojo is (as you can imagine - this really makes me smile - my heart could burst for the amount of love I have for my Bessie's baby girl)! She's six months old now and into everything, she will be walking by the time she turns one - she just wants to be in the midst of it all. I love hanging out with my Bessie and her mini-me, it is in fact my most favourite thing to do and I love playing with Little Buddha - she rocks my world and I think I might rock hers too.

The babies we had the showers for a couple of weeks ago are both here now - two gorgeous little baby girls. One arrived today, yet to be named. The other arrived a little earlier than expected but she is just perfect. It was the first babyshower that was the hardest - I cried before I went, Facetimed my Bessie looking like a bright red snotty mess, she stopped me crying, we had a chat, I considered not going but I sucked it up as I knew if I didn't go to that one I'd never go to another babyshower ever again. It was fine as my friends and her other friends are totes amazeballs. There was none of the usual girly-girls going mental over bibs, it was a group of women, hanging out over afternoon tea, some drinking wine, some sticking to tea, A LOT of cake and a lot of chatter and laughs - oh and we all gave the mum-to-be some gifts for her baby - nothing wrong with that, it was a lovely afternoon. 

Now when I  look at the gorgeous little faces of these two brand new beautiful baby girls and see how perfect they are (and unlike most people I don't think they look like Winston Churchill), I can see their parents features even when they are brand spanking new and I am filled with happiness. That's the difference a year makes. I invested in my emotions and I don't crumble when I see a new born. I did however cry today when I first saw 'yet to be named' daughter of one of my bestest girlfriends. Tears of joy and a very strong gut feeling that it will be me soon, sending my friends photos on whatsapp. It's an amazing thing and I am in awe of women - we are by the far the stronger sex! 

So after a attempting to distract myself by getting rather hammered with work colleagues a couple of weeks ago in-between babyshowers, hearing news of more IVF grief, dealing with my fist IVF anniversary and gearing up for 11 February which will be a year to the day when I knew in my gut that my mini-me hadn't stuck I'm actually pretty bloody good. Our consultation at The Lister is booked in, the Hubster and I have been on a tough journey but we are the So Solid Crew - tough, determined, solid, strong, optimistic and gosh - am I allowed to say it?

We're happy (if a little scared of what the future may hold).

We just need to focus on the here and now and what will be, will be. Take me to La La Land if you want but I think I'd rather be right where I am.

Laters x

2013 is over. Halle-bloody-lujah!

Hello there,

It's been a while since my last blog post, sorry about that. 2013 without a shadow of a doubt was a big fat pile of stinking poo and I am oh so glad to welcome in the New Year and all the hope and optimism that the start of a New Year holds.

Our optimism for 2014 was shattered at around 4am on 1 January 2014 by some nasty words from someone who we had only just started to get to know. I thought this woman was going to become a friend of sorts - I felt like she had nice vibes and although I don't always agree with her often controversial opinions my gut told me she was a good egg. Oh how wrong my gut was. I told this woman about our failed IVF attempts in the Summer and she gave the best reaction anyone has given - she hugged me. No words, just a massive hug - she seemed to know that was exactly what I needed and I was touched by her intuition, so her words in the wee hours of 2014 came as a shock. 

Despite blogging and being quite open with friends and family about our IVF journey it is still quite hard to talk about and is also something that I don't want to define me - I am so much more than a woman who has been trying to get pregnant for just over four years. As my Hubster and I decided to call it a night on NYE we went to say our goodbyes to our friends who we knew would try their hardest to convince us to stay. Upon saying goodbye to this woman she decided that we shouldn't be going home yet, she tried to get my Hubster to take his coat off - the usual shenanigans when one decides to leave early (when in a past life we were known for going the distance). Anyhow, the 'goodbye' quickly turned into some weird verbal assault on my wonderful Hubster. This woman who barely knows us decided to call my Hubster 'repressed' and then said that she would be 'having words with him later', whilst hugging him tightly and not letting him go. My brother-in-law and I looked on bemused, I tried to intervene but it seemed useless, she'd let go of him in a minute and then we could go home! Then, out of nowhere she pipes up ' you and Johanna need to accept that you'll NEVER have children.' 

EXCUSE ME? Who the hell do you think you are? Some form of oracle who has been granted the right to tell people their future? What is your agenda? What is your motivation for saying these things and why oh why are people duped into being friends with you? One good thing came out of your words: you have shown your true colours and my Hubster and I are glad to have started 2014 with you removed from our lives. 

This woman was privileged enough to be let in to our little world earlier this year - I told her about the pain, I explained that's why we don't go out partying anymore, that's why we keep our heads down and yes - it is why we're no longer the life and soul of the party as we have been grieving; IVF changes people who have had to go through it and not got the desired results but we're trying to live life to the full once again and have fun. We were delighted to stick two fingers up to 2013 and to welcome in the New Year. We'd just got our confidence and optimism back, we were full of joy, we were with our fabulous friends and and family who love us and were pleased to have us out celebrating with them and we were happy to be with them. And then this woman who I had trusted enough to tell her what we'd been through decided to project her negative, warped view of the world onto us. We left the party feeling sad, shocked, sullen and angry. But no more. She can keep her words, stick them where the sun doesn't shine and she can choke on them for all I care - we're not going to let her words ruin all the hard work we have done in repairing our souls in the second half of 2013.

That's the strange thing about infertility. Everyone has an opinion:

'Why don't you adopt?'

'Pray and God will hear your prayers and grant you a child'

'Just relax and it will happen' 

'Have you tried monitoring your cycle?' REALLY?! Are you REALLY asking me that?! For goodness sake - I know more about natural family planning than most doctors and I know the workings of my body better than anyone. 

Here's my reply - keep your thoughts to yourself please. It's actually none of your business so hush your beak, you don't really know the ins-and-outs of our situation and have no right to comment. Don't tell us to relax or just forget about it. It's akin to the itch you get just after receiving a mozzie bite - it can't be ignored and has to be scratched. Relaxing doesn't stop the urge to have a baby and it doesn't help conception.

OR some nasty people decide to tell you:

'You'll never have children.'

To the woman who said these words to us: How dare you inflict such negativity on us. How dare you. My husband is far from repressed, if you want to have 'words' with him you have to get past me first, hurt a member of my family again with your words or actions and you will rue the day you ever met me.

What does help a couple working their way through the land of IF is love, compassion, laughter, a shoulder to lean on and support. Bring on a year full of positivity, hope and love. 

My lovely brother-in-law responded to this vitriol with heartfelt love; his words touched our hearts and they have been echoed by all our friends and family who heard what happened. He told us that we'd be great parents one day, and I believe him. We are blessed to have loving friends and family in our lives. Thank you for being our rocks - we love you all very much x