It's 29 October 2015. Four days ago I had a massive gush of blood, I was six weeks pregnant. I would be seeing my consultant for a scan the following day. The day when we hold our breaths and hope to see a heartbeat. I knew deep down it was all over but I still had hope. The bleeding stopped as quickly as it started and Dr. Google told me that there was a strong possibility that the bleed could just be a clot and all would be ok. But I knew.
The 30 October 2015, when I was told we had a missed miscarriage and our fourth round of IVF hadn't worked started a chain of events I wasn't expecting.
Soon afterwards I lost my job. I became depressed. I reluctantly had a frozen cycle the following New Year which also resulted in a (strong) pregnancy but also resulted in another miscarriage (although this was far more dramatic and violent and heartbreaking - we had seen a heartbeat the week beforehand and I naively thought 'this was it.')
Since then I have lost the plot, regrouped and got myself a fantastic job that I love. It's funny how things turn out, isn't it? I have made a fantastic new 'barren friend' Katy. We were brought together through sad circumstance, introduced by my best friend, meeting for the first time on a 'blind date' at the Southbank in Spring. She's been through the toughest journeys and I was able to help her through it. Without my new barren friend Katy, I'm not sure how I would've gotten through this year. So from the pain of infertility and the dashed dreams of having a baby of our own, I have made a life-long, solid friendship and I feel blessed. I'm happy-ish, things seem to be on the up. My marriage to my amazing Hubster is the strongest it has ever been. I'm the fittest and healthiest I have ever been. There are lots of positives but we still don't have a baby. I'm hoping our luck changes.
As we approach National Fertility Awareness week 2016 (#NFAW16) I felt compelled to pick my blog back up. To take a deep breath and start sharing this journey with you all again. 2016 has been a pretty crap year in the Courtney fertility stakes. Our strength has been tested and I have been overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed by life. Overwhelmed by people telling me how brave I am (I'm not brave - trust me. I'm just trying to become a Mother and that urge is strong. Not that I'm not already a Mother. My babies are Angel Babies who I never got to meet in person). I've also been overwhelmed by the love and support of friends and family as we have been forced to navigate through what can only be described as a living hell of grief. When life blurs by and you somehow, miraculously 'carry on.'
I have been most overwhelmed by the brave, honest accounts given by my fellow infertilies in the Fertility Network's #HiddenFaces campaign. My amazing Hubster and I recorded our account of what the journey has been like these eight years of trying to become parents. It was hard but something we both felt like we had to do and we're both glad we did it. You see, there's nothing to be ashamed of and if we want to get people talking about what it's really like then someone has to make the first move and start talking, so we stepped up to the plate.
Show your support for these brave people. They have been on a super hard journey that makes you question everything. I'll share our video when it goes live next week but for now, I'm thinking of my first Angel Baby and what might've been.
Much love, hugs, compassion and strength to everyone who is struggling to start a family of their own, and to those who have had to carve a new life out for themselves after experiencing infertility. We are not alone and our faces are no longer hidden.
#HiddenFaces #NFAW16
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Saturday, 29 October 2016
Thursday, 6 February 2014
La La Land...
I wish I was rubbish with dates.
This time last year I was one day post embryo transfer and convinced my mini-me was going to stick - on the same day in 2014 one of girlfriends has given birth to a beautiful baby girl and I'm ok with that. In fact I'm really happy. That's the difference a year makes, I've learnt how to focus on the here and now after spending a lot of money on counselling, acupuncture and holidays!
This time last year I was one day post embryo transfer and convinced my mini-me was going to stick - on the same day in 2014 one of girlfriends has given birth to a beautiful baby girl and I'm ok with that. In fact I'm really happy. That's the difference a year makes, I've learnt how to focus on the here and now after spending a lot of money on counselling, acupuncture and holidays!
Sometimes I wish I could jump into La La land and forget the past year. I have been up and down this week, repeating silently in my head: 'I just need to get passed 12 February and I'll be fine.' I started off really low - I heard on Sunday that someone I know had a failed cycle and it made me cry really hard. Hearing about that just as I'm gearing myself up to deal with our anniversary of a failed cycle was tough - those emotions came flooding back - the heavy sick feeling and heartache. But the infertile learns to live with this. I know so many people dealing with infertility that you just have to 'man-up' and get on with it. In some warped way I wouldn't change a thing of the past 12 months; I much prefer the 2014 Jojo than the Jojo of 2012/2013.
Forwards we go. We've been saving like lunatics to make it happen. A lot of people begrudge paying for IVF. My Dad nearly had a coronary when I told him we'll need about £8k in total for this round of treatment - but what cost do you put on the creation of life? And not just any life but my very own mini-me? We were lucky to get treatment on the NHS but now it is our turn to invest and we are going to pay for the best treatment there is available to us.
- I'm calm - really calm.
- I'm positive about the future as I know that both my Hubster and I are the healthiest we've ever been.
- I'm a massive fan of green smoothies (more about that in my next blog).
- I'm focused - I know what I want and I'm going to do everything in my power to get it.
- I don't accept nonsense anymore - if you wanna see me, come see me. If you wanna talk, call me, engage with me, interact with me but please don't keep thinking this one-sided relationship is going to continue. You need to make an effort but I'm not going to be the one to make the first move all the time. It means I'm starting to lose contact with people, people I love but that's the way it is. If friends and family are reading this and you're thinking 'poop, she's talking about me' then you're probably right! I'm not cross with you, I miss you but I want you to make an effort for me, I'm focused on my little unit - this is where my energy is. I don't have the cash to spend on train tickets to visit - sorry about that. I would love you to call me or even send me a text :)
- And I'm excited as (gulp) - we're starting all over again - this is why I only have time for my immediate environment. I want to go to Ireland to visit family and see my Grandma but I can't afford it - I hope you understand Grandma? I want more than anything to see you, really I do so you make sure you hang around so when we do have the cash we can come and visit. One day I hope to put a great grandchild in your arms.
Forwards we go. We've been saving like lunatics to make it happen. A lot of people begrudge paying for IVF. My Dad nearly had a coronary when I told him we'll need about £8k in total for this round of treatment - but what cost do you put on the creation of life? And not just any life but my very own mini-me? We were lucky to get treatment on the NHS but now it is our turn to invest and we are going to pay for the best treatment there is available to us.
Sometimes I amaze myself at my resilience (most people will say I'm just stubborn). A couple of weeks ago I overcame a massive mental hurdle: I attended not one but two babyshowers in as many weeks - now that is what I call a challenge for the average infertile. What I have discovered is that my issue with babyshowers was all in my head, they're not THAT bad if you have the right friends. My Bessie had her babyshower in June last year - a few weeks after our FET cycle didn't work. I was in a right old flap about her baby shower. Most people who I spoke to about it told me not to worry and not to put myself through it, one person asked if I 'was able to be happy for my Bessie and just go - to put my own feelings aside for one afternoon?!' I know what was meant by imparting this advice, but it was my friends (and my own) happiness that I was in knots about. Maybe you have to have gone through pregnancy loss, or several IVF rounds to understand that this was about anything but not being happy for my Bessie, it was about dealing with grief and not wanting my grief to ruin a happy occasion. The most understanding person was my Bessie. Of course she was - that's why she's my Bessie! Cooing over baby things so close to a failed IVF cycle would have been horrific and I just couldn't face it so I did the right thing for me and hung out with my baby bro for the day instead. That was the right thing to do for all of us.
The birth of my Bessie's 'Little Buddha' was by far the most amazing thing to happen in 2013. I adore her, she is the most chilled out, alert, happy, smiley baby who loves her grub and knows who her Auntie Jojo is (as you can imagine - this really makes me smile - my heart could burst for the amount of love I have for my Bessie's baby girl)! She's six months old now and into everything, she will be walking by the time she turns one - she just wants to be in the midst of it all. I love hanging out with my Bessie and her mini-me, it is in fact my most favourite thing to do and I love playing with Little Buddha - she rocks my world and I think I might rock hers too.
The babies we had the showers for a couple of weeks ago are both here now - two gorgeous little baby girls. One arrived today, yet to be named. The other arrived a little earlier than expected but she is just perfect. It was the first babyshower that was the hardest - I cried before I went, Facetimed my Bessie looking like a bright red snotty mess, she stopped me crying, we had a chat, I considered not going but I sucked it up as I knew if I didn't go to that one I'd never go to another babyshower ever again. It was fine as my friends and her other friends are totes amazeballs. There was none of the usual girly-girls going mental over bibs, it was a group of women, hanging out over afternoon tea, some drinking wine, some sticking to tea, A LOT of cake and a lot of chatter and laughs - oh and we all gave the mum-to-be some gifts for her baby - nothing wrong with that, it was a lovely afternoon.
Now when I look at the gorgeous little faces of these two brand new beautiful baby girls and see how perfect they are (and unlike most people I don't think they look like Winston Churchill), I can see their parents features even when they are brand spanking new and I am filled with happiness. That's the difference a year makes. I invested in my emotions and I don't crumble when I see a new born. I did however cry today when I first saw 'yet to be named' daughter of one of my bestest girlfriends. Tears of joy and a very strong gut feeling that it will be me soon, sending my friends photos on whatsapp. It's an amazing thing and I am in awe of women - we are by the far the stronger sex!
So after a attempting to distract myself by getting rather hammered with work colleagues a couple of weeks ago in-between babyshowers, hearing news of more IVF grief, dealing with my fist IVF anniversary and gearing up for 11 February which will be a year to the day when I knew in my gut that my mini-me hadn't stuck I'm actually pretty bloody good. Our consultation at The Lister is booked in, the Hubster and I have been on a tough journey but we are the So Solid Crew - tough, determined, solid, strong, optimistic and gosh - am I allowed to say it?
We're happy (if a little scared of what the future may hold).
We just need to focus on the here and now and what will be, will be. Take me to La La Land if you want but I think I'd rather be right where I am.
Laters x
The birth of my Bessie's 'Little Buddha' was by far the most amazing thing to happen in 2013. I adore her, she is the most chilled out, alert, happy, smiley baby who loves her grub and knows who her Auntie Jojo is (as you can imagine - this really makes me smile - my heart could burst for the amount of love I have for my Bessie's baby girl)! She's six months old now and into everything, she will be walking by the time she turns one - she just wants to be in the midst of it all. I love hanging out with my Bessie and her mini-me, it is in fact my most favourite thing to do and I love playing with Little Buddha - she rocks my world and I think I might rock hers too.
The babies we had the showers for a couple of weeks ago are both here now - two gorgeous little baby girls. One arrived today, yet to be named. The other arrived a little earlier than expected but she is just perfect. It was the first babyshower that was the hardest - I cried before I went, Facetimed my Bessie looking like a bright red snotty mess, she stopped me crying, we had a chat, I considered not going but I sucked it up as I knew if I didn't go to that one I'd never go to another babyshower ever again. It was fine as my friends and her other friends are totes amazeballs. There was none of the usual girly-girls going mental over bibs, it was a group of women, hanging out over afternoon tea, some drinking wine, some sticking to tea, A LOT of cake and a lot of chatter and laughs - oh and we all gave the mum-to-be some gifts for her baby - nothing wrong with that, it was a lovely afternoon.
Now when I look at the gorgeous little faces of these two brand new beautiful baby girls and see how perfect they are (and unlike most people I don't think they look like Winston Churchill), I can see their parents features even when they are brand spanking new and I am filled with happiness. That's the difference a year makes. I invested in my emotions and I don't crumble when I see a new born. I did however cry today when I first saw 'yet to be named' daughter of one of my bestest girlfriends. Tears of joy and a very strong gut feeling that it will be me soon, sending my friends photos on whatsapp. It's an amazing thing and I am in awe of women - we are by the far the stronger sex!
So after a attempting to distract myself by getting rather hammered with work colleagues a couple of weeks ago in-between babyshowers, hearing news of more IVF grief, dealing with my fist IVF anniversary and gearing up for 11 February which will be a year to the day when I knew in my gut that my mini-me hadn't stuck I'm actually pretty bloody good. Our consultation at The Lister is booked in, the Hubster and I have been on a tough journey but we are the So Solid Crew - tough, determined, solid, strong, optimistic and gosh - am I allowed to say it?
We're happy (if a little scared of what the future may hold).
We just need to focus on the here and now and what will be, will be. Take me to La La Land if you want but I think I'd rather be right where I am.
Laters x
Monday, 8 April 2013
Bring on the down regulation...
One day till down regulation
Tonight I shall drink a glass of red wine or two or three.
Tonight I shall scoff loads of seriously yummy food and not care if I'm eating more carbs as opposed to protein.
Tonight I'm going to try and remember what the Hubster and I were like before before we embarked on our journey to the land of IF.
Tonight I am going to sleep like a baby in my bed and wrap myself around my duvet in the knowledge that I'm not going to overheat.
Tonight I shall be headache free.
Tonight I'm not going to be anxious.
Tonight I'm not going to flap or fret about the next seven or so weeks.
Tonight I am re-reading my blog entries from earlier this year with a slight sense of trepidation.
Tonight I am relishing an injection free night as tomorrow night marks day one of down regulation - BRING IT ON!!!
The Hubster and I finally had our joint counselling session last week and unlike the ones I have been to by myself this one really choked me up. Going for counselling at the assisted conception unit seems a bit wrong to me - that place is full of baby-related stuff: scans, nurses, hospital gowns, swimmer collection rooms, egg collection theatres, embryo transfers and its where our mini-mes are frozen - it's just so RAW. The counsellor there is lovely, I really clicked with her and so did my Hubster. What caught me off guard and stunted my speech was being asked "when did you lose your baby?" Wow. To finally have someone speak to me so honestly with the acknowledgement that yes - I lost my baby... and no, I'm not over it which made both the Hubster and I think: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY are we doing this again so bloody quickly when both of us are blatantly not ready for it? I have been warned, if this cycle doesn't work then not only will I be dealing with the three and half years of trying and not conceiving, but also the loss of our baby in February and then the loss of not one but two mini-mes. Seriously, we must be off our rockers? If this doesn't work then I don't know if I'll ever find the old me again, I'm not sure I'll be able to fix us (but I don't have choice really do I?)
BUT I can give you the answer to my questions: we want more than anything to be pregnant, we want to me a Mummy and Daddy and we know we will be bloody brilliant parents. All my fear is quashed under our teeny 20% chance of becoming pregnant. I've decided not to listen to the statistics - I was told I had a 60-70% chance of success on our last cycle and it didn't work so in my head - with two mini-mes being transferred we have just as much chance as anyone. I don't tend to take the easy path with anything so why should this be any different?
So from tomorrow onwards we're back to the injections, I'm off to see Elise (who I am sticking with - it's not practise in the counselling world to have more than one counsellor but I didn't want us to miss our joint appointment at Kings), I'm 100% off the booze, I'm back to listening to my IVF belief CD and I'm waiting for the side affects to kick-in. They took about four days last time round, I have one of my best friend's hen-do this weekend, that is on day five... I'm anxious about being teary, having hot flushes, getting headaches and just not wanting to be there, I'm anxious about watching all my friends get hammered whilst I stay sober - thank goodness for my Bessie being pregnant - both of us are (or were) THE party starters - oh how times have changed! I'm still funny in big groups where you are supposed to be having fun so I'm a bit worried about Saturday - I don't think I'll be my usual up-for-it self but I'll sure as hell give it a go. It'll be my first sober hen-do so we'll see how my stamina goes, it'll be good prep for the wedding as this will be around embryo transfer time - I do pick my moments hey?!
So that's it from me for tonight - I'm going to enjoy my last injection free evening for a good while - let the positive vibes commence, may the chemical menopause symptoms be gentle on me and may all my worry about my heart shattering into a million pieces again be put to rest. From this day onwards for our second cycle - PMA will prevail.
Catch ya later :) x
Tonight I shall drink a glass of red wine or two or three.
Tonight I shall scoff loads of seriously yummy food and not care if I'm eating more carbs as opposed to protein.
Tonight I'm going to try and remember what the Hubster and I were like before before we embarked on our journey to the land of IF.
Tonight I am going to sleep like a baby in my bed and wrap myself around my duvet in the knowledge that I'm not going to overheat.
Tonight I shall be headache free.
Tonight I'm not going to be anxious.
Tonight I'm not going to flap or fret about the next seven or so weeks.
Tonight I am re-reading my blog entries from earlier this year with a slight sense of trepidation.
Tonight I am relishing an injection free night as tomorrow night marks day one of down regulation - BRING IT ON!!!
The Hubster and I finally had our joint counselling session last week and unlike the ones I have been to by myself this one really choked me up. Going for counselling at the assisted conception unit seems a bit wrong to me - that place is full of baby-related stuff: scans, nurses, hospital gowns, swimmer collection rooms, egg collection theatres, embryo transfers and its where our mini-mes are frozen - it's just so RAW. The counsellor there is lovely, I really clicked with her and so did my Hubster. What caught me off guard and stunted my speech was being asked "when did you lose your baby?" Wow. To finally have someone speak to me so honestly with the acknowledgement that yes - I lost my baby... and no, I'm not over it which made both the Hubster and I think: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY are we doing this again so bloody quickly when both of us are blatantly not ready for it? I have been warned, if this cycle doesn't work then not only will I be dealing with the three and half years of trying and not conceiving, but also the loss of our baby in February and then the loss of not one but two mini-mes. Seriously, we must be off our rockers? If this doesn't work then I don't know if I'll ever find the old me again, I'm not sure I'll be able to fix us (but I don't have choice really do I?)
BUT I can give you the answer to my questions: we want more than anything to be pregnant, we want to me a Mummy and Daddy and we know we will be bloody brilliant parents. All my fear is quashed under our teeny 20% chance of becoming pregnant. I've decided not to listen to the statistics - I was told I had a 60-70% chance of success on our last cycle and it didn't work so in my head - with two mini-mes being transferred we have just as much chance as anyone. I don't tend to take the easy path with anything so why should this be any different?
So from tomorrow onwards we're back to the injections, I'm off to see Elise (who I am sticking with - it's not practise in the counselling world to have more than one counsellor but I didn't want us to miss our joint appointment at Kings), I'm 100% off the booze, I'm back to listening to my IVF belief CD and I'm waiting for the side affects to kick-in. They took about four days last time round, I have one of my best friend's hen-do this weekend, that is on day five... I'm anxious about being teary, having hot flushes, getting headaches and just not wanting to be there, I'm anxious about watching all my friends get hammered whilst I stay sober - thank goodness for my Bessie being pregnant - both of us are (or were) THE party starters - oh how times have changed! I'm still funny in big groups where you are supposed to be having fun so I'm a bit worried about Saturday - I don't think I'll be my usual up-for-it self but I'll sure as hell give it a go. It'll be my first sober hen-do so we'll see how my stamina goes, it'll be good prep for the wedding as this will be around embryo transfer time - I do pick my moments hey?!
So that's it from me for tonight - I'm going to enjoy my last injection free evening for a good while - let the positive vibes commence, may the chemical menopause symptoms be gentle on me and may all my worry about my heart shattering into a million pieces again be put to rest. From this day onwards for our second cycle - PMA will prevail.
Catch ya later :) x
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Roar, roar, roar
Let's just get one thing straight: I'm NOT over the IVF thing ok!
Two throw away comments yesterday reduced me to a howling, snotty, angry mess last night, and they came from people who should know better. Just because I'm trying VERY HARD to get on with my life, to be positive and happy, it does not mean that I'm over it - far from it. Those two stupid comments have made me feel like I've taken a step backwards and I once again have that heavy, suffocating feeling. I'm writing this on the train into work and I just want to turn back and head straight for my duvet.
Two throw away comments yesterday reduced me to a howling, snotty, angry mess last night, and they came from people who should know better. Just because I'm trying VERY HARD to get on with my life, to be positive and happy, it does not mean that I'm over it - far from it. Those two stupid comments have made me feel like I've taken a step backwards and I once again have that heavy, suffocating feeling. I'm writing this on the train into work and I just want to turn back and head straight for my duvet.
My lovely, darling, amazing Hubster decided to share a how to get pregnant tip with me last night: a chap he knows whose wife got pregnant in no time at all (I swear she just looked at his willy and she was up the duff - women like that really p*ss me off right now - I told you - I'm feeling angry!) Anyhow, this chap shared a sex tip with my Hubster yesterday and for some reason unbeknownst to me; my Hubster shared this tip with me. After sex, if I raise my hips and do bicycle legs for 15 minutes, I'll get pregnant! REALLY?!?! Well why on earth didn't someone share that nugget of information with the world ages ago? It would've saved thousands of women like me all the hassle and inconvenience of daily injections, hot flushes, mood swings, insomnia, OHSS, egg collection, having your foof on display for what feels likes all the world to see, fake pregnancy symptoms and then the heart-break and emotional trauma of a nasty, heavy painful period.
Well knock me down, why didn't you tell me that before I decided to put myself through hell with IVF? Jeez, if I knew that the bicycle legs made that much difference, not only would I have amazingly toned legs but I'd also have a brood of mini-mes driving me demented!
Infertility is about so much more than post-coital bicycle legs. So here's my warning, do not insult me by giving me shonky advice such as that: IT DOESN'T HELP! I've tried every goddam trick in the book (although not the bicycle legs I must admit).
- Pee sticks to monitor ovulation
- Checking if I have egg white cervical mucus every month so I know when the Hubster and I need to get jiggy
- I don't get shitfaced every weekend
- I eat healthily
- I take nine, yes nine different vitamins/minerals every day (some even get a double dose) - see below for pictorial evidence
- I quit the fags (best move I've ever made)
- I'm quite fit and go to the gym (admittedly I'm yet to go this year but me thinks I've had a decent enough excuse don't you?)
- And yes - I stick my legs up in the air after a bit of jiggy if you must know.
Argh - you have no idea how angry I am today - no idea what damage stupid comments like that can do to my recovery. I shouted angry tears at my Hubster yesterday as he unwittingly told me this tip - my poor Hubster - it's not his fault - he's the last person I want to hurt in all of this.
It's all so raw what I'm feeling and despite my honest blog people still tell me their stupid tit-bits of advice - just because they got pregnant in no time at all - well bully for you - aren't you the lucky ones? Anyone who thinks I am over the IVF can think again. This time last week I could barely drag myself out of bed, I was bleeding so heavily I had to change pads every two hours (yes - I had to go back to the days of being a teenager and use pads - thank goodness for always ultra is all I can say - but every two hours is ridiculous - that is how heavy and painful my failed IVF cycle was). I was convinced I was pregnant; our referral to Kings ACU happened over a year ago, my due date would've been 23 October 2013. So you see in my head I should be pregnant now and complaining about morning sickness but I'm not, how on earth do you expect me to be over it that goddam quickly?
So despite everyone thinking I am strong and amazing for sharing this with the world, I in fact feel weak. I want to hit and punch and scream. I'm trying oh so hard to be happy, and jolly and positive but be mindful of what drivel comes out of your mouth when you speak to me. Just because I'm trying to be happy and have a positive outlook, it doesn't mean I'm in a good place emotionally. Whilst Googling "emotional impact of failed IVF" I stumbled across a blog entry that articulates VERY well how a woman feels after a failed IVF cycle, this lady hits the nail on the head and I encourage you to have a read. If you have a friend who is going through IVF and it doesn't work out take care of her heart - she needs you more than you realise, even if she doesn't answer your calls, just knowing that you are there is enough. The IVF roller-coaster doesn't stop the moment you have to face the reality of not being able to get pregnant even with all the help of very clever scientists; I actually think this is when the real roller-coaster starts as you're unable to blame the hormones that you willing pump into yourself, it’s just your emotions - give me down regulation over this any day - I at least had hope then, now I feel empty (and yes - I know I can have another go before you say anything).
Today I just want to hide. Today I want to cry gut wrenching tears that make you hyperventilate and make you sick. Today I am sad. Today I am heavy and I feel like I'm suffocating with grief. Tomorrow is another day and I hope I don't feel as bad as I do today. Thank goodness for small mercies such as a backlog of work I need to catch up on - I need as much distraction from this pain as I can get.
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Crumbling
15 days post egg collection, 10 days post embryo transfer
It wasn't meant to be like this, I wasn't supposed to start spotting 8 days after our mini-me was transferred, the spotting wasn't supposed to turn from brown to red, and the red spotting wasn't supposed to turn into a heavy, painful period but it has: the IVF hasn't worked and I'm heartbroken, devastated, grief-stricken and I'm heavy - oh so heavy. My arms and legs are heavy but most heavy is my heart, I can feel it breaking.
My friends were amazing last weekend, all of them rose to challenge of distracting me - I was happy to watch them drink booze whilst I drunk elderflower, I even tried half a Guinness on Saturday and I thought it was the foulest thing I'd ever tasted (anyone who knows me, knows how much I love my Guinness). This along with boobs changing, twinges down below and spotting a few days after transfer all convinced me I was pregnant, I even started thinking we might have identical twins. Silly Jojo - I should've known better than to run away with myself.
I've never really felt heartbroken before, but I do now. I've never howled like I have howled over the past two days and I'm crying writing this now. I so wanted our mini-me to stick, I put so much work into making my womb a VIP womb, and what with having a grade 5AA blasto I just can't see why it wouldn't work? I know I did everything possible to make it work and I know it's not my fault (doesn't stop it feeling like it's my fault though). Ho hum, I guess our mini-me was a bit fussy and didn't fancy it? All is not lost, we have mini-mes in the freezer so we can have another go, but for now I'm staying in bed, sleeping when I want to sleep, eating when I feel like eating (but having to force myself as I have no appetite) and just letting the tears flow. The Hubster came home from work yesterday after breaking down himself and after hearing me howl down the phone, it breaks my heart that little bit more when I see my darling Hubster broken - I do love him so and together I know we will be fine, it just doesn't quite feel like that right now. He's gone back to work today which is fine, despite crying already this morning I feel marginally better than yesterday - he needs to go to work, I need to rest. I had the foresight back in November to book a weekend away in Jersey at the beginning of March; we have never needed a break like we need this one - it will help us clear our minds and regroup, right now we're grieving.
I'm signing off for now - it might be a while till I'm back, I don't know - depends how I feel. If you're reading this and we're Facebook friends, please don't post any comments on my wall, please post them here or PM me, and if I don't reply please don't be offended. Despite being quite open with our journey, I'm not that ready to share my grief with the world of Facebook.
Catch ya later x
It wasn't meant to be like this, I wasn't supposed to start spotting 8 days after our mini-me was transferred, the spotting wasn't supposed to turn from brown to red, and the red spotting wasn't supposed to turn into a heavy, painful period but it has: the IVF hasn't worked and I'm heartbroken, devastated, grief-stricken and I'm heavy - oh so heavy. My arms and legs are heavy but most heavy is my heart, I can feel it breaking.
My friends were amazing last weekend, all of them rose to challenge of distracting me - I was happy to watch them drink booze whilst I drunk elderflower, I even tried half a Guinness on Saturday and I thought it was the foulest thing I'd ever tasted (anyone who knows me, knows how much I love my Guinness). This along with boobs changing, twinges down below and spotting a few days after transfer all convinced me I was pregnant, I even started thinking we might have identical twins. Silly Jojo - I should've known better than to run away with myself.
I've never really felt heartbroken before, but I do now. I've never howled like I have howled over the past two days and I'm crying writing this now. I so wanted our mini-me to stick, I put so much work into making my womb a VIP womb, and what with having a grade 5AA blasto I just can't see why it wouldn't work? I know I did everything possible to make it work and I know it's not my fault (doesn't stop it feeling like it's my fault though). Ho hum, I guess our mini-me was a bit fussy and didn't fancy it? All is not lost, we have mini-mes in the freezer so we can have another go, but for now I'm staying in bed, sleeping when I want to sleep, eating when I feel like eating (but having to force myself as I have no appetite) and just letting the tears flow. The Hubster came home from work yesterday after breaking down himself and after hearing me howl down the phone, it breaks my heart that little bit more when I see my darling Hubster broken - I do love him so and together I know we will be fine, it just doesn't quite feel like that right now. He's gone back to work today which is fine, despite crying already this morning I feel marginally better than yesterday - he needs to go to work, I need to rest. I had the foresight back in November to book a weekend away in Jersey at the beginning of March; we have never needed a break like we need this one - it will help us clear our minds and regroup, right now we're grieving.
I'm signing off for now - it might be a while till I'm back, I don't know - depends how I feel. If you're reading this and we're Facebook friends, please don't post any comments on my wall, please post them here or PM me, and if I don't reply please don't be offended. Despite being quite open with our journey, I'm not that ready to share my grief with the world of Facebook.
Catch ya later x
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
The final countdown
Embryo Transfer and the dreaded two week wait
Tuesday was ET day, it was a very exciting day and it pretty much marked a conclusion to our IVF treatment; after waiting for so long and then diving headlong into it, and then feeling rubbish (but very upbeat) throughout, would you think it strange if I told you I found this a little sad? Probably!
We got the call from our embryologist around about 9:30am on Tuesday to tell us we had one über top grade blastocyst for transfer and we have a few for freezing, all good quality blastos but the best with the highest possibility of implanting would be meeting me later. Whoop whoop. Despite having quite a few good quality embryos at the three day stage you always worry that they may not live - it has happened but I was ecstatic to hear that ours were still fighting. I gave verbal consent for them to be frozen - we have some babies in the bank so to speak.
Our appointment was at 2:30pm, you need to have a full bladder for ET as it helps the doctor place the embryo in the right section of the womb (the bladder helps flatten out the womb so when it comes to inserting the catheter into your womb - it practically goes in a straight line). Given the sheer amount of liquid I've been drinking to try and beat the OHSS this wasn't a problem, however - we didn't get seen until 3:30pm - I was full to bursting!!! Like egg collection (EC) day, you need to ensure that you're not wearing any makeup (including nail varnish), perfume - anything smelly and the same goes for your significant other - embryos don't like it so you need to make sure when you are going for EC and ET that you are there as God made you.
ET doesn't hurt and is much like a smear test as it involves a speculum, unlike having a baseline scan you have an ultrasound - it's via the ultrasound the team can see where to transfer the embryo. There were a legion of people in the room with us: the doctor doing the transfer, two other doctors, a trainee doctor and the embryologist. Initially a lovely, petite Indian lady doctor was supposed to do the ET but when I walked into theatre fully gowned up, I was asked if I minded another doctor doing the ET as he wanted try a new softer catheter (a more senior doctor obviously pulled rank)? I didn't really care who did it, as long as they did it properly and got my mini-me in my womb safely - this doctor seemed like he knew how to do the job! You can't be shy if you're having IVF, your foof is on show for everyone to have a look at. As they were trialling a new catheter we had a mock transfer first, this is fine, do as many practice runs as you like as long as when it comes to the real thing - it's done correctly (I didn't doubt the doctor's competence at any time btw). Yes ladies - you can't be shy about this; imagine you are on a dentist like chair with you legs in stirrups, much like a smear there's a speculum and it's clamped in for a good while, your chair is then winched up and there is a bright yellow shining light beaming at your foof where both male and female doctors will be having a look, all to ensure the safe delivery of your mini-me. This is what ET is like! The bonus of all of this is we not only got to see our mini-me hatching out of it's shell in the petri dish on the big plasma screen just before transfer, but we also saw it being inserted into my womb (not very clearly, but you could see it). This was awesome (and it brings a tear to my eye when I think about it - absolutely amazing).
A day five hatching blastocyst - this is what our mini-me looked like before transfer, ripe for attaching and implanting (fingers crossed).
Kings ACU use the Gardener scale for grading Blastocysts, the stage of development of the blastocyst(s) is graded from 1 - 6, and the outer and inner cell masses are graded from A-C. The inner cell mass forms what will become the baby (this is what you can see hatching out of the picture above), the outer cell mass or trophectoderm will become the placenta. The stage of development and quality of the outer and inner cell masses is scored as per the tables below. I've included this technical shizzle as it can be hard to remember everything as and when you're told it due to adrenalin, and given how you are positioned in theatre.
What I am really pleased to say is that our mini-me is a grade 5AA - this is the best type of blastocyst that can be transferred, and from what I understand is a bit like gold dust in the murky world of IVF/ICSI. Grade 6 blastos need to hatch in the womb so I was pleased as punch to see that we now have the best possible chance of success, our mini-me was ripe for implantation, fingers and toes crossed.
Test day is Friday 15 February 2013: gulp.
This is nine long days away. I am so looking forward to that day but it also scares the be-jesus out of me. It's REALLY hard not to dwell and over analyse every twinge (Google at times can be your own worst enemy). Those cramps I can feel, are they implantation cramps or is it my ovaries groaning with the last bit of OHSS or is it the progesterone pessaries? Questions, questions, questions. And it's because of all these questions, lack of activity and waiting that make the two week wait (or the 11 day wait for a five day transfer as in my case) the hardest part of IVF: am I pregnant or not - please somebody tell me!!! BUT one must wait patiently for the outcome of one's endeavours. There's no point in testing too early as you could get a big fat positive (BFP) due to residual HCG being in your system from the trigger shot done 36 hours prior to egg collection. I know of a friend who tested too early and got a BFP, and then ended up getting a big fat negative (BFN) when it came to test day. I can't put myself through that so I shall have to be patient and wait until the morning of 15 February.
I haven't worked out how I will tell people yet, what I do know, if its a BFN I'm not going to want to talk about it and I won't want to have to repeat the news, and I will crumble but for the minute the Hubster and I remain hopeful. Hopeful that our mini-me is bedding down for some VIP womb action and at the moment it feels like that might be happening but only time will tell, as I said - it could be anything. We have done everything humanly possible to make this work and we have a great chance of success but there are no guarantees.
So I'm signing off for now, the next nine days are going to be long but this is where my IVF Belief CD comes into it's own. The third and final message is about deep relaxation and positive visualisation and it really helps me chill and focus all my positive energy to my womb and our mini-me. I'm going to be listening to it lots. Please sprinkle oodles of baby dust our way and pray we get the result we so want.
Catch ya later :) x
Tuesday was ET day, it was a very exciting day and it pretty much marked a conclusion to our IVF treatment; after waiting for so long and then diving headlong into it, and then feeling rubbish (but very upbeat) throughout, would you think it strange if I told you I found this a little sad? Probably!
We got the call from our embryologist around about 9:30am on Tuesday to tell us we had one über top grade blastocyst for transfer and we have a few for freezing, all good quality blastos but the best with the highest possibility of implanting would be meeting me later. Whoop whoop. Despite having quite a few good quality embryos at the three day stage you always worry that they may not live - it has happened but I was ecstatic to hear that ours were still fighting. I gave verbal consent for them to be frozen - we have some babies in the bank so to speak.
Our appointment was at 2:30pm, you need to have a full bladder for ET as it helps the doctor place the embryo in the right section of the womb (the bladder helps flatten out the womb so when it comes to inserting the catheter into your womb - it practically goes in a straight line). Given the sheer amount of liquid I've been drinking to try and beat the OHSS this wasn't a problem, however - we didn't get seen until 3:30pm - I was full to bursting!!! Like egg collection (EC) day, you need to ensure that you're not wearing any makeup (including nail varnish), perfume - anything smelly and the same goes for your significant other - embryos don't like it so you need to make sure when you are going for EC and ET that you are there as God made you.
ET doesn't hurt and is much like a smear test as it involves a speculum, unlike having a baseline scan you have an ultrasound - it's via the ultrasound the team can see where to transfer the embryo. There were a legion of people in the room with us: the doctor doing the transfer, two other doctors, a trainee doctor and the embryologist. Initially a lovely, petite Indian lady doctor was supposed to do the ET but when I walked into theatre fully gowned up, I was asked if I minded another doctor doing the ET as he wanted try a new softer catheter (a more senior doctor obviously pulled rank)? I didn't really care who did it, as long as they did it properly and got my mini-me in my womb safely - this doctor seemed like he knew how to do the job! You can't be shy if you're having IVF, your foof is on show for everyone to have a look at. As they were trialling a new catheter we had a mock transfer first, this is fine, do as many practice runs as you like as long as when it comes to the real thing - it's done correctly (I didn't doubt the doctor's competence at any time btw). Yes ladies - you can't be shy about this; imagine you are on a dentist like chair with you legs in stirrups, much like a smear there's a speculum and it's clamped in for a good while, your chair is then winched up and there is a bright yellow shining light beaming at your foof where both male and female doctors will be having a look, all to ensure the safe delivery of your mini-me. This is what ET is like! The bonus of all of this is we not only got to see our mini-me hatching out of it's shell in the petri dish on the big plasma screen just before transfer, but we also saw it being inserted into my womb (not very clearly, but you could see it). This was awesome (and it brings a tear to my eye when I think about it - absolutely amazing).
A day five hatching blastocyst - this is what our mini-me looked like before transfer, ripe for attaching and implanting (fingers crossed).
Kings ACU use the Gardener scale for grading Blastocysts, the stage of development of the blastocyst(s) is graded from 1 - 6, and the outer and inner cell masses are graded from A-C. The inner cell mass forms what will become the baby (this is what you can see hatching out of the picture above), the outer cell mass or trophectoderm will become the placenta. The stage of development and quality of the outer and inner cell masses is scored as per the tables below. I've included this technical shizzle as it can be hard to remember everything as and when you're told it due to adrenalin, and given how you are positioned in theatre.
The Gardener blastocyst grading system assigns three seperate quality scores to each blastocyst embryo:
- Blastocyst development stage - expansion and hatching status
- Inner cell mass (ICM) score, or quality
- Trophectoderm (TE) score, or quality
| Expansion grade | Blastocyst development and stage status |
| 1 |
Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
|
| 2 |
Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
|
| 3 |
Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
|
| 4 |
Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
|
| 5 |
Hatching out of the shell
|
| 6 |
Hatched out of the shell
|
| ICM grade |
Inner cell mass quality
|
| A |
Many cells, tightly packed
|
| B |
Several cells, loosely grouped
|
| C |
Very few cells
|
| TE grade |
Trophectoderm quality
|
| A |
Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
|
| B |
Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
|
| C |
Very few large cells
|
What I am really pleased to say is that our mini-me is a grade 5AA - this is the best type of blastocyst that can be transferred, and from what I understand is a bit like gold dust in the murky world of IVF/ICSI. Grade 6 blastos need to hatch in the womb so I was pleased as punch to see that we now have the best possible chance of success, our mini-me was ripe for implantation, fingers and toes crossed.
Test day is Friday 15 February 2013: gulp.
This is nine long days away. I am so looking forward to that day but it also scares the be-jesus out of me. It's REALLY hard not to dwell and over analyse every twinge (Google at times can be your own worst enemy). Those cramps I can feel, are they implantation cramps or is it my ovaries groaning with the last bit of OHSS or is it the progesterone pessaries? Questions, questions, questions. And it's because of all these questions, lack of activity and waiting that make the two week wait (or the 11 day wait for a five day transfer as in my case) the hardest part of IVF: am I pregnant or not - please somebody tell me!!! BUT one must wait patiently for the outcome of one's endeavours. There's no point in testing too early as you could get a big fat positive (BFP) due to residual HCG being in your system from the trigger shot done 36 hours prior to egg collection. I know of a friend who tested too early and got a BFP, and then ended up getting a big fat negative (BFN) when it came to test day. I can't put myself through that so I shall have to be patient and wait until the morning of 15 February.
I haven't worked out how I will tell people yet, what I do know, if its a BFN I'm not going to want to talk about it and I won't want to have to repeat the news, and I will crumble but for the minute the Hubster and I remain hopeful. Hopeful that our mini-me is bedding down for some VIP womb action and at the moment it feels like that might be happening but only time will tell, as I said - it could be anything. We have done everything humanly possible to make this work and we have a great chance of success but there are no guarantees.
So I'm signing off for now, the next nine days are going to be long but this is where my IVF Belief CD comes into it's own. The third and final message is about deep relaxation and positive visualisation and it really helps me chill and focus all my positive energy to my womb and our mini-me. I'm going to be listening to it lots. Please sprinkle oodles of baby dust our way and pray we get the result we so want.
Catch ya later :) x
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Stimulation overdrive...
Day 11 of stims
Yesterday was such a full-on, emotional day that I just didn't have the energy required to focus enough for a blog post, so here goes.
I was right - there has been a lot of activity going on downstairs as I have a whopping 26 follicles - whoop whoop whoop and my gosh - they're large! Not quite large enough for egg collection (EC) on Monday but it will be happening on Wednesday. However, this means that I am now at a high risk of developing OHSS - boo. After my scan (which was fascinating) I saw one of the nurses (Laura) and she ran through with me when I would be taking my last buserelin and Gonal F jabs and what the scenario would be for either a Monday or Wednesday EC (and gave me an anal suppository for EC day - gosh this IVF shizzle is sooooo sexy eh?!) I then had to see a doctor, who ran through with us what all the risks are with OHSS and what would I like to do with regards to my treatment:
a) Cancel my treatment - NO WAY JOSÉ!!!
b) Freeze my eggs and then carry on with treatment at a later date - NO WAY JOSÉ AGAIN! The treatment options on the NHS aren't as generous as they used to be and with only getting one fully-funded full cycle on the NHS we're not doing that!
c) Continue with treatment - YES WAY!!!
Doc mentioned how healthy I am, said my womb lining looks nice and thick, the reason for my enthusiastic response is due to being so healthy so this is good. Nice thick lining is the way forward if I want a successful implantation - this is what all the co-enzyme q10 is for - to help encourage a succesful implantation.
However, my pains are going to get worse, when I take my HCG trigger shot at 9pm on Monday evening I'm going to feel crap afterwards (OHSS thrives under HCG), after EC I will feel momentarily better but my follicles will fill back up with liquid and I will start feeling like crap again and after embryo transfer (ET) and presuming pregnancy occurs - oh yes - I will feel even more crap! What happens (as explained in my previous post), after the ovaries start going a bit crazy and keep on producing follicles that keep expanding - (this is the cause of the pain - 26 follicles all around 18m in diameter each - how the hell is all of that fitting in my womb? No wonder I've been feeling uncomfortable?!) The follicles are filling with liquid, this can seep out into the abdomen (hence looking out for water retention and bloating), but this can also show itself in fat ankles, a shortness of breath, dark coloured pee, resulting in nausea and vomiting and God forbid a blood clot. If I get a lot of water around my tummy, I'll have a drain fitted and as long as we are comfortable changing the drain I can have this at home, worst case scenario I'll have to go into hospital. I have been reassured that at Kings they have only had to cancel one IVF cycle as a result of OHSS, and that as this is always treated it's not fatal. What is reassuring to know is that OHSS doesn't impact on the likelihood of IVF resulting in a pregnancy (nor does it harm a pregnancy), and the staff at Kings are going to be keeping an eye on me and will be calling me daily after EC to check up on how I am feeling.
So yesterday, the Hubster and I were buzzing with nerves but mainly excitement - I can't quite believe that after trying for yonks, jumping through hoops with the NHS to get treatment, and then lockdown we are finally here. To think that this time next week there could be oodles of mini-me embryos all dividing on a petri dish waiting to be transferred into my womb (baby-house - this is what I hope it will be known as for the next nine months). SO EXCITING!!!
I have never, ever wanted something as bad as I want this - please, please, please let it work. If you are reading this please pray to whatever deity rocks your boat that this works. I am most certainly going to mass tomorrow - I/we have never, ever wanted anything as bad as we want this - I need to start showing my face at mass more often anyhow so there's no better time to start than now in my opinion. The nurse said I am a textbook case so far and given our positive, cheery outlook and healthy living there is no reason why we won't be pregnant this time next month. She also said that the Hubster's swimmers improvement is "commendable!" How awesome is that?! We were told at the beginning of treatment we have 40% chance of success (which is high going by IVF standards - I think this must've improved with all of our healthy living?)
So I've spoken to work about the posibility of developing OHSS, I don't think it went in really but if I feel in the slightest bit squiffy I shan't be going in to work - this is too important. I do feel at the moment like I'm about to come on - my lower abdomen is very firm to the touch and I have been getting pangs in my left side by my left ovary - this makes sense as there are 14 follicles on that side (and by the feel of it as I am on stims now for another two days I wouldn't be surprised if more follicles rock up), my boobs have gone from being deflated a couple of weeks ago to being back to their pre-menstrual self - larger and a bit tender - so yes - I feel like I feel when I am about to ovulate. With regards to the foo'ju - I told the nurses they need to tell ladies this shizzle! Needless to say they cracked up - not everyone gets it apparently but still - I can't see the harm in forewarning ladies that they may get it?!
So exciting days ahead, in the meantime I need to keep an eye on myself, make sure I'm drinking lots of water and I need to monitor the colour of my pee. I know one person who has had OHSS as a result of IVF and she had to go into hospital and I know from her account that is excruciatingly painful. She did get two beautiful baby girls from her IVF stint (first go) though - Molly and Josie - they are gorgeous so it's worth it. Kids hey - what - us ladies go through to get them? A friend of mine and his wife are also having IVF, at Kings and their EC is on Monday, another friend I know has had just her fourth ET, another friend of mine has had several IVF journeys and is now going down the surrogacy route, a parent from my Beaver Scout group went through IVF seven times to get her lovely boy Jonnie and someone at work is currently expecting (and she has the most gorgeous bump - she is positively glowing) - her pregnancy is a result of her first IVF attempt. My point is that IVF and infertility needn't be the taboo that it is, it's more common than we think. I am convinced we will get pregnant - my friends are all popping babies out left right and centre at the moment and I'm not going to lie and say I don't find it hard as I do find it hard - very hard but this gives me hope; hope that our journey is going to be a short(ish) one by IVF standards and I am going to join my bessie mates and have a mini-me of my own.
I'm actually off to meet one of my bessie mates for brunch this morning so I need to get a move on - it's just us two this morning, her wee man (affectionately referred to as "The Dude") is hanging out with Daddy this morning whilst us girls chew the fat. Tomorrow marks 17 years to the day when I first clapped eyes on the Hubster so I may see if I can find him a little pressie to say thank you for being amazing (that means I have spent 50% of my life with my wonderful Hubster - eeek! We REALLY deserve a break and to be able to have our own family - 17 years shouldn't be sniffed at). We don't normally do stuff like that - spend lots of money on presents on anniversaries - that is NOT the key to a long-relationship: love, trust, laughter and honesty are, not excessive gift giving (but that lecture is for another time). BUT my lovely Hubster deserves a little something, even if it is a silly a present - just to say thank you don't you think?
I must dash - catch ya later :) xxx
Yesterday was such a full-on, emotional day that I just didn't have the energy required to focus enough for a blog post, so here goes.
I was right - there has been a lot of activity going on downstairs as I have a whopping 26 follicles - whoop whoop whoop and my gosh - they're large! Not quite large enough for egg collection (EC) on Monday but it will be happening on Wednesday. However, this means that I am now at a high risk of developing OHSS - boo. After my scan (which was fascinating) I saw one of the nurses (Laura) and she ran through with me when I would be taking my last buserelin and Gonal F jabs and what the scenario would be for either a Monday or Wednesday EC (and gave me an anal suppository for EC day - gosh this IVF shizzle is sooooo sexy eh?!) I then had to see a doctor, who ran through with us what all the risks are with OHSS and what would I like to do with regards to my treatment:
a) Cancel my treatment - NO WAY JOSÉ!!!
b) Freeze my eggs and then carry on with treatment at a later date - NO WAY JOSÉ AGAIN! The treatment options on the NHS aren't as generous as they used to be and with only getting one fully-funded full cycle on the NHS we're not doing that!
c) Continue with treatment - YES WAY!!!
Doc mentioned how healthy I am, said my womb lining looks nice and thick, the reason for my enthusiastic response is due to being so healthy so this is good. Nice thick lining is the way forward if I want a successful implantation - this is what all the co-enzyme q10 is for - to help encourage a succesful implantation.
However, my pains are going to get worse, when I take my HCG trigger shot at 9pm on Monday evening I'm going to feel crap afterwards (OHSS thrives under HCG), after EC I will feel momentarily better but my follicles will fill back up with liquid and I will start feeling like crap again and after embryo transfer (ET) and presuming pregnancy occurs - oh yes - I will feel even more crap! What happens (as explained in my previous post), after the ovaries start going a bit crazy and keep on producing follicles that keep expanding - (this is the cause of the pain - 26 follicles all around 18m in diameter each - how the hell is all of that fitting in my womb? No wonder I've been feeling uncomfortable?!) The follicles are filling with liquid, this can seep out into the abdomen (hence looking out for water retention and bloating), but this can also show itself in fat ankles, a shortness of breath, dark coloured pee, resulting in nausea and vomiting and God forbid a blood clot. If I get a lot of water around my tummy, I'll have a drain fitted and as long as we are comfortable changing the drain I can have this at home, worst case scenario I'll have to go into hospital. I have been reassured that at Kings they have only had to cancel one IVF cycle as a result of OHSS, and that as this is always treated it's not fatal. What is reassuring to know is that OHSS doesn't impact on the likelihood of IVF resulting in a pregnancy (nor does it harm a pregnancy), and the staff at Kings are going to be keeping an eye on me and will be calling me daily after EC to check up on how I am feeling.
So yesterday, the Hubster and I were buzzing with nerves but mainly excitement - I can't quite believe that after trying for yonks, jumping through hoops with the NHS to get treatment, and then lockdown we are finally here. To think that this time next week there could be oodles of mini-me embryos all dividing on a petri dish waiting to be transferred into my womb (baby-house - this is what I hope it will be known as for the next nine months). SO EXCITING!!!
I have never, ever wanted something as bad as I want this - please, please, please let it work. If you are reading this please pray to whatever deity rocks your boat that this works. I am most certainly going to mass tomorrow - I/we have never, ever wanted anything as bad as we want this - I need to start showing my face at mass more often anyhow so there's no better time to start than now in my opinion. The nurse said I am a textbook case so far and given our positive, cheery outlook and healthy living there is no reason why we won't be pregnant this time next month. She also said that the Hubster's swimmers improvement is "commendable!" How awesome is that?! We were told at the beginning of treatment we have 40% chance of success (which is high going by IVF standards - I think this must've improved with all of our healthy living?)
So I've spoken to work about the posibility of developing OHSS, I don't think it went in really but if I feel in the slightest bit squiffy I shan't be going in to work - this is too important. I do feel at the moment like I'm about to come on - my lower abdomen is very firm to the touch and I have been getting pangs in my left side by my left ovary - this makes sense as there are 14 follicles on that side (and by the feel of it as I am on stims now for another two days I wouldn't be surprised if more follicles rock up), my boobs have gone from being deflated a couple of weeks ago to being back to their pre-menstrual self - larger and a bit tender - so yes - I feel like I feel when I am about to ovulate. With regards to the foo'ju - I told the nurses they need to tell ladies this shizzle! Needless to say they cracked up - not everyone gets it apparently but still - I can't see the harm in forewarning ladies that they may get it?!
So exciting days ahead, in the meantime I need to keep an eye on myself, make sure I'm drinking lots of water and I need to monitor the colour of my pee. I know one person who has had OHSS as a result of IVF and she had to go into hospital and I know from her account that is excruciatingly painful. She did get two beautiful baby girls from her IVF stint (first go) though - Molly and Josie - they are gorgeous so it's worth it. Kids hey - what - us ladies go through to get them? A friend of mine and his wife are also having IVF, at Kings and their EC is on Monday, another friend I know has had just her fourth ET, another friend of mine has had several IVF journeys and is now going down the surrogacy route, a parent from my Beaver Scout group went through IVF seven times to get her lovely boy Jonnie and someone at work is currently expecting (and she has the most gorgeous bump - she is positively glowing) - her pregnancy is a result of her first IVF attempt. My point is that IVF and infertility needn't be the taboo that it is, it's more common than we think. I am convinced we will get pregnant - my friends are all popping babies out left right and centre at the moment and I'm not going to lie and say I don't find it hard as I do find it hard - very hard but this gives me hope; hope that our journey is going to be a short(ish) one by IVF standards and I am going to join my bessie mates and have a mini-me of my own.
I'm actually off to meet one of my bessie mates for brunch this morning so I need to get a move on - it's just us two this morning, her wee man (affectionately referred to as "The Dude") is hanging out with Daddy this morning whilst us girls chew the fat. Tomorrow marks 17 years to the day when I first clapped eyes on the Hubster so I may see if I can find him a little pressie to say thank you for being amazing (that means I have spent 50% of my life with my wonderful Hubster - eeek! We REALLY deserve a break and to be able to have our own family - 17 years shouldn't be sniffed at). We don't normally do stuff like that - spend lots of money on presents on anniversaries - that is NOT the key to a long-relationship: love, trust, laughter and honesty are, not excessive gift giving (but that lecture is for another time). BUT my lovely Hubster deserves a little something, even if it is a silly a present - just to say thank you don't you think?
I must dash - catch ya later :) xxx
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