Bring on the down regulation...

One day till down regulation

Tonight I shall drink a glass of red wine or two or three.
Tonight I shall scoff loads of seriously yummy food and not care if I'm eating more carbs as opposed to protein.
Tonight I'm going to try and remember what the Hubster and I were like before before we embarked on our journey to the land of IF.
Tonight I am going to sleep like a baby in my bed and wrap myself around my duvet in the knowledge that I'm not going to overheat.
Tonight I shall be headache free.
Tonight I'm not going to be anxious.
Tonight I'm not going to flap or fret about the next seven or so weeks.
Tonight I am re-reading my blog entries from earlier this year with a slight sense of trepidation.
Tonight I am relishing an injection free night as tomorrow night marks day one of down regulation - BRING IT ON!!!

The Hubster and I finally had our joint counselling session last week and unlike the ones I have been to by myself this one really choked me up. Going for counselling at the assisted conception unit seems a bit wrong to me - that place is full of baby-related stuff: scans, nurses, hospital gowns, swimmer collection rooms, egg collection theatres, embryo transfers and its where our mini-mes are frozen - it's just so RAW. The counsellor there is lovely, I really clicked with her and so did my Hubster. What caught me off guard and stunted my speech was being asked "when did you lose your baby?" Wow. To finally have someone speak to me so honestly with the acknowledgement that yes - I lost my baby...  and no, I'm not over it which made both the Hubster and I think: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING? 
WHY? 
WHY? 
WHY are we doing this again so bloody quickly when both of us are blatantly not ready for it? I have been warned, if this cycle doesn't work then not only will I be dealing with the three and half years of trying and not conceiving, but also the loss of our baby in February and then the loss of not one but two mini-mes. Seriously, we must be off our rockers? If this doesn't work then I don't know if I'll ever find the old me again, I'm not sure I'll be able to fix us (but I don't have choice really do I?)

BUT I can give you the answer to my questions: we want more than anything to be pregnant, we want to me a Mummy and Daddy and we know we will be bloody brilliant parents. All my fear is quashed under our teeny 20% chance of becoming pregnant. I've decided not to listen to the statistics - I was told I had a 60-70% chance of success on our last cycle and it didn't work so in my head - with two mini-mes being transferred we have just as much chance as anyone. I don't tend to take the easy path with anything so why should this be any different?

So from tomorrow onwards we're back to the injections, I'm off to see Elise (who I am sticking with - it's not practise in the counselling world to have more than one counsellor but I didn't want us to miss our joint appointment at Kings), I'm 100% off the booze, I'm back to listening to my IVF belief CD and I'm waiting for the side affects to kick-in. They took about four days last time round, I have one of my best friend's hen-do this weekend, that is on day five... I'm anxious about being teary, having hot flushes, getting headaches and just not wanting to be there, I'm anxious about watching all my friends get hammered whilst I stay sober - thank goodness for my Bessie being pregnant - both of us are (or were) THE party starters - oh how times have changed! I'm still funny in big groups where you are supposed to be having fun so I'm a bit worried about Saturday - I don't think I'll be my usual up-for-it self but I'll sure as hell give it a go. It'll be my first sober hen-do so we'll see how my stamina goes, it'll be good prep for the wedding as this will be around embryo transfer time - I do pick my moments hey?!

So that's it from me for tonight - I'm going to enjoy my last injection free evening for a good while - let the positive vibes commence, may the chemical menopause symptoms be gentle on me and may all my worry about my heart shattering into a million pieces again be put to rest. From this day onwards for our second cycle - PMA will prevail.

Catch ya later :) x