One day till down regulation
Tonight I shall drink a glass of red wine or two or three.
Tonight I shall scoff loads of seriously yummy food and not care if I'm eating more carbs as opposed to protein.
Tonight I'm going to try and remember what the Hubster and I were like before before we embarked on our journey to the land of IF.
Tonight I am going to sleep like a baby in my bed and wrap myself around my duvet in the knowledge that I'm not going to overheat.
Tonight I shall be headache free.
Tonight I'm not going to be anxious.
Tonight I'm not going to flap or fret about the next seven or so weeks.
Tonight I am re-reading my blog entries from earlier this year with a slight sense of trepidation.
Tonight I am relishing an injection free night as tomorrow night marks day one of down regulation - BRING IT ON!!!
The Hubster and I finally had our joint counselling session last week and unlike the ones I have been to by myself this one really choked me up. Going for counselling at the assisted conception unit seems a bit wrong to me - that place is full of baby-related stuff: scans, nurses, hospital gowns, swimmer collection rooms, egg collection theatres, embryo transfers and its where our mini-mes are frozen - it's just so RAW. The counsellor there is lovely, I really clicked with her and so did my Hubster. What caught me off guard and stunted my speech was being asked "when did you lose your baby?" Wow. To finally have someone speak to me so honestly with the acknowledgement that yes - I lost my baby... and no, I'm not over it which made both the Hubster and I think: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY are we doing this again so bloody quickly when both of us are blatantly not ready for it? I have been warned, if this cycle doesn't work then not only will I be dealing with the three and half years of trying and not conceiving, but also the loss of our baby in February and then the loss of not one but two mini-mes. Seriously, we must be off our rockers? If this doesn't work then I don't know if I'll ever find the old me again, I'm not sure I'll be able to fix us (but I don't have choice really do I?)
BUT I can give you the answer to my questions: we want more than anything to be pregnant, we want to me a Mummy and Daddy and we know we will be bloody brilliant parents. All my fear is quashed under our teeny 20% chance of becoming pregnant. I've decided not to listen to the statistics - I was told I had a 60-70% chance of success on our last cycle and it didn't work so in my head - with two mini-mes being transferred we have just as much chance as anyone. I don't tend to take the easy path with anything so why should this be any different?
So from tomorrow onwards we're back to the injections, I'm off to see Elise (who I am sticking with - it's not practise in the counselling world to have more than one counsellor but I didn't want us to miss our joint appointment at Kings), I'm 100% off the booze, I'm back to listening to my IVF belief CD and I'm waiting for the side affects to kick-in. They took about four days last time round, I have one of my best friend's hen-do this weekend, that is on day five... I'm anxious about being teary, having hot flushes, getting headaches and just not wanting to be there, I'm anxious about watching all my friends get hammered whilst I stay sober - thank goodness for my Bessie being pregnant - both of us are (or were) THE party starters - oh how times have changed! I'm still funny in big groups where you are supposed to be having fun so I'm a bit worried about Saturday - I don't think I'll be my usual up-for-it self but I'll sure as hell give it a go. It'll be my first sober hen-do so we'll see how my stamina goes, it'll be good prep for the wedding as this will be around embryo transfer time - I do pick my moments hey?!
So that's it from me for tonight - I'm going to enjoy my last injection free evening for a good while - let the positive vibes commence, may the chemical menopause symptoms be gentle on me and may all my worry about my heart shattering into a million pieces again be put to rest. From this day onwards for our second cycle - PMA will prevail.
Catch ya later :) x
Showing posts with label Down regulation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Down regulation. Show all posts
Monday, 8 April 2013
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Roar, roar, roar
Let's just get one thing straight: I'm NOT over the IVF thing ok!
Two throw away comments yesterday reduced me to a howling, snotty, angry mess last night, and they came from people who should know better. Just because I'm trying VERY HARD to get on with my life, to be positive and happy, it does not mean that I'm over it - far from it. Those two stupid comments have made me feel like I've taken a step backwards and I once again have that heavy, suffocating feeling. I'm writing this on the train into work and I just want to turn back and head straight for my duvet.
Two throw away comments yesterday reduced me to a howling, snotty, angry mess last night, and they came from people who should know better. Just because I'm trying VERY HARD to get on with my life, to be positive and happy, it does not mean that I'm over it - far from it. Those two stupid comments have made me feel like I've taken a step backwards and I once again have that heavy, suffocating feeling. I'm writing this on the train into work and I just want to turn back and head straight for my duvet.
My lovely, darling, amazing Hubster decided to share a how to get pregnant tip with me last night: a chap he knows whose wife got pregnant in no time at all (I swear she just looked at his willy and she was up the duff - women like that really p*ss me off right now - I told you - I'm feeling angry!) Anyhow, this chap shared a sex tip with my Hubster yesterday and for some reason unbeknownst to me; my Hubster shared this tip with me. After sex, if I raise my hips and do bicycle legs for 15 minutes, I'll get pregnant! REALLY?!?! Well why on earth didn't someone share that nugget of information with the world ages ago? It would've saved thousands of women like me all the hassle and inconvenience of daily injections, hot flushes, mood swings, insomnia, OHSS, egg collection, having your foof on display for what feels likes all the world to see, fake pregnancy symptoms and then the heart-break and emotional trauma of a nasty, heavy painful period.
Well knock me down, why didn't you tell me that before I decided to put myself through hell with IVF? Jeez, if I knew that the bicycle legs made that much difference, not only would I have amazingly toned legs but I'd also have a brood of mini-mes driving me demented!
Infertility is about so much more than post-coital bicycle legs. So here's my warning, do not insult me by giving me shonky advice such as that: IT DOESN'T HELP! I've tried every goddam trick in the book (although not the bicycle legs I must admit).
- Pee sticks to monitor ovulation
- Checking if I have egg white cervical mucus every month so I know when the Hubster and I need to get jiggy
- I don't get shitfaced every weekend
- I eat healthily
- I take nine, yes nine different vitamins/minerals every day (some even get a double dose) - see below for pictorial evidence
- I quit the fags (best move I've ever made)
- I'm quite fit and go to the gym (admittedly I'm yet to go this year but me thinks I've had a decent enough excuse don't you?)
- And yes - I stick my legs up in the air after a bit of jiggy if you must know.
Argh - you have no idea how angry I am today - no idea what damage stupid comments like that can do to my recovery. I shouted angry tears at my Hubster yesterday as he unwittingly told me this tip - my poor Hubster - it's not his fault - he's the last person I want to hurt in all of this.
It's all so raw what I'm feeling and despite my honest blog people still tell me their stupid tit-bits of advice - just because they got pregnant in no time at all - well bully for you - aren't you the lucky ones? Anyone who thinks I am over the IVF can think again. This time last week I could barely drag myself out of bed, I was bleeding so heavily I had to change pads every two hours (yes - I had to go back to the days of being a teenager and use pads - thank goodness for always ultra is all I can say - but every two hours is ridiculous - that is how heavy and painful my failed IVF cycle was). I was convinced I was pregnant; our referral to Kings ACU happened over a year ago, my due date would've been 23 October 2013. So you see in my head I should be pregnant now and complaining about morning sickness but I'm not, how on earth do you expect me to be over it that goddam quickly?
So despite everyone thinking I am strong and amazing for sharing this with the world, I in fact feel weak. I want to hit and punch and scream. I'm trying oh so hard to be happy, and jolly and positive but be mindful of what drivel comes out of your mouth when you speak to me. Just because I'm trying to be happy and have a positive outlook, it doesn't mean I'm in a good place emotionally. Whilst Googling "emotional impact of failed IVF" I stumbled across a blog entry that articulates VERY well how a woman feels after a failed IVF cycle, this lady hits the nail on the head and I encourage you to have a read. If you have a friend who is going through IVF and it doesn't work out take care of her heart - she needs you more than you realise, even if she doesn't answer your calls, just knowing that you are there is enough. The IVF roller-coaster doesn't stop the moment you have to face the reality of not being able to get pregnant even with all the help of very clever scientists; I actually think this is when the real roller-coaster starts as you're unable to blame the hormones that you willing pump into yourself, it’s just your emotions - give me down regulation over this any day - I at least had hope then, now I feel empty (and yes - I know I can have another go before you say anything).
Today I just want to hide. Today I want to cry gut wrenching tears that make you hyperventilate and make you sick. Today I am sad. Today I am heavy and I feel like I'm suffocating with grief. Tomorrow is another day and I hope I don't feel as bad as I do today. Thank goodness for small mercies such as a backlog of work I need to catch up on - I need as much distraction from this pain as I can get.
Thursday, 24 January 2013
It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...
Day 9 of stims
I have oodles of things that I need to blurt out but I'm feeling a bit confuddled about how I start getting it out - maybe bullet points will help me focus? I'm rapidly approaching the climax of the fertility treatment, when the Hubster has to "do his bit" and I have to get harvested: ARGH!!! Right here goes with the focused bullet points:
I have oodles of things that I need to blurt out but I'm feeling a bit confuddled about how I start getting it out - maybe bullet points will help me focus? I'm rapidly approaching the climax of the fertility treatment, when the Hubster has to "do his bit" and I have to get harvested: ARGH!!! Right here goes with the focused bullet points:
- Lady pains...
Ok - so I have had full on pains going on downstairs - I would like to say it felt a bit like ovulation pangs but no, full on lady pains. This is a good thing - it means the Gonal F is doing what it is meant to do and my ovaries are kick-starting back into life. My IVF belief CD bangs on about my womb being a dormant tree bursting into life after winter - well I can tell you that is no longer the case - my follicles are growing like they're going out of fashion and this is the reason for the lady pains.
These pangs tend to make one paranoid about developing Ovary Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) - this is one thing I don't want to get. It's when your ovaries go a bit mental and start producing way too many eggs; it can make you very poorly and worst case scenario an ovary can rupture and kill you - yikes. Kings ACU are rather phenomenal and I have been hounding them this week with various questions. The three day headache, the lady pains and a bit of nausea are all signs that you're developing OHSS, but the real sign is water retention and serious bloating along with all of the above - this I don't have - the nurses reassured me that it just means that I'm kicking back into life and womb lining is getting nice and thick: get in!
- Chaps, you may not want to read this section... Lady bodily changes
Right - I haven't mentioned this in my previous entries but one of the things I noticed when I started down regulating, (and I've been debating whether or not I should write about it), was that my boobs seemed to deflate :( They just did not have their joie de vivre anymore. At the time this was the least of my concerns as I just felt so goddam crap - I could've had one massive boob and one teeny-tiny one for all I cared: deflated boobs were the least of my worries! Between hot flushes, tears, headaches, insomnia etc I had enough to try and handle let alone getting myself into a tizz about having to tighten my bra straps!
One of the side affects of injecting buserelin is foof dryness (see The Guide to Assisted Conception Services at King's for the technical list of side affects) - oh yeeeeeaaaaah - just to make you feel that little bit sexier: deflated boobs, mood swings, hot sweaty flushes, headaches, loss of appetite, insomnia, tears, exhaustion - yup - let's just add a dry foof to the mix to make you feel that little bit more feminine hey?! (Chaps I did warn you this bullet point was close to the bone!) Well fast forward to day 9 of stims and a complete 180º has occurred...
Ladies, if you're trying for a baby and are monitoring when you ovulate you'll all be more than aware that one of the main signs that it's time for some hot lurvin' with the man in your life who you intend on procreating with is: egg white cervical mucus (or as I prefer to refer to it: foo' ju!) This is exactly as it sounds but stretchy - very stretchy. "The Sahara turns to the Nile" as my lovely friend Boki put it just a couple of moments ago! Now, this actually made me panic, I judge such bodily functions as a clear indicator that it's time to get back on the horse so to speak, so when I clocked foo' ju my first thought was "oh shit, what if I'm about to ovulate 20 eggs?" What with the Hubster's newly founded super-swimmers the irony wasn't lost on me that if this was the case there was a strong possibility that I may become pregnant with quads (quasi-naturally)! My rational head kicked in, I called Kings (again), and they told me this is a very, very good thing and its a sign of muchos follicles and no - I won't spontaneously ovulate, my eggs are only going to ripen once I have the HCG jab - phew!
So I've got it out - this shizzle has been on the tip of my tongue since I started this blog, but typical British prudishness took over and I thought there was no way I could put this out into cyberspace. BUT you know what? My opening paragraph of this blog stated I was going to give an open an honest account of what IVF is really like, and for that to happen - this needed to be put out there. I've been unable to find one single article anywhere that actually tells it how it is. You can drive yourself demented trawling through fertility forums trying to find out if egg white cervical mucus is "normal" when on stims, and all you get are thread upon thread of women who are exactly like me trying to find out if this is normal. Naturally, virtual friendships are formed on these forums but I've got enough friends and FB friends that I don't feel the need to forge new relationships online, I just want to know if what I was experiencing was normal. I feel a need to be open and share my experiences (it's also a great stress reliever and it helps me categorise and file away what is happening to us - it helps me manage our journey and how it makes me feel). When the Hubster and I first started our IVF journey I was obsessed with research and filling my head with as much information as possible, but not once did I read anything about boobs deflating - ladies need to know this stuff so screw you British prudishness! Anyhow, back to my point - I eventually found enough blog entries to kinda put my mind at ease (I still called Kings), but there wasn't anything that cropped up that explained what this is really like. So if I've done one thing (other than make myself feel better through cathartic release), I hope that a woman somewhere on this earth has stumbled across my blog and felt reassured.
So, it's 12 hours till scan day, getting all of this out has most certainly calmed me; I will be back tomorrow with an update... Do I have oodles of follicles that are at least 18mm in diameter or do I need to continue the daily doo-lally jabs that little bit longer? One thing is for sure, next week is harvest time - we just don't quite know when... Exciting, scary, nerve wracking... EEEEEEK! Think I'll be getting some good value IVF hypnotherapy CD action this evening!
Wish me luck, catch ya later, :) xxx
Ladies, if you're trying for a baby and are monitoring when you ovulate you'll all be more than aware that one of the main signs that it's time for some hot lurvin' with the man in your life who you intend on procreating with is: egg white cervical mucus (or as I prefer to refer to it: foo' ju!) This is exactly as it sounds but stretchy - very stretchy. "The Sahara turns to the Nile" as my lovely friend Boki put it just a couple of moments ago! Now, this actually made me panic, I judge such bodily functions as a clear indicator that it's time to get back on the horse so to speak, so when I clocked foo' ju my first thought was "oh shit, what if I'm about to ovulate 20 eggs?" What with the Hubster's newly founded super-swimmers the irony wasn't lost on me that if this was the case there was a strong possibility that I may become pregnant with quads (quasi-naturally)! My rational head kicked in, I called Kings (again), and they told me this is a very, very good thing and its a sign of muchos follicles and no - I won't spontaneously ovulate, my eggs are only going to ripen once I have the HCG jab - phew!
So I've got it out - this shizzle has been on the tip of my tongue since I started this blog, but typical British prudishness took over and I thought there was no way I could put this out into cyberspace. BUT you know what? My opening paragraph of this blog stated I was going to give an open an honest account of what IVF is really like, and for that to happen - this needed to be put out there. I've been unable to find one single article anywhere that actually tells it how it is. You can drive yourself demented trawling through fertility forums trying to find out if egg white cervical mucus is "normal" when on stims, and all you get are thread upon thread of women who are exactly like me trying to find out if this is normal. Naturally, virtual friendships are formed on these forums but I've got enough friends and FB friends that I don't feel the need to forge new relationships online, I just want to know if what I was experiencing was normal. I feel a need to be open and share my experiences (it's also a great stress reliever and it helps me categorise and file away what is happening to us - it helps me manage our journey and how it makes me feel). When the Hubster and I first started our IVF journey I was obsessed with research and filling my head with as much information as possible, but not once did I read anything about boobs deflating - ladies need to know this stuff so screw you British prudishness! Anyhow, back to my point - I eventually found enough blog entries to kinda put my mind at ease (I still called Kings), but there wasn't anything that cropped up that explained what this is really like. So if I've done one thing (other than make myself feel better through cathartic release), I hope that a woman somewhere on this earth has stumbled across my blog and felt reassured.
So, it's 12 hours till scan day, getting all of this out has most certainly calmed me; I will be back tomorrow with an update... Do I have oodles of follicles that are at least 18mm in diameter or do I need to continue the daily doo-lally jabs that little bit longer? One thing is for sure, next week is harvest time - we just don't quite know when... Exciting, scary, nerve wracking... EEEEEEK! Think I'll be getting some good value IVF hypnotherapy CD action this evening!
Wish me luck, catch ya later, :) xxx
Monday, 14 January 2013
Fancy a game of mood swing ball?
Day 15 of Down Regulation
Today I don't have much to report other than: meh!
Woke up with a headache, this is now an everyday occurance - thanks to my bessie Emma I now have some 4head. 4head is a lemon menthol stick that you rub across your forehead when you get a headache - and it works - genius! So 10 minutes later headache disappeared but I was still in a bad mood and I have remained so all day - meh!
This has obviously been brewing since yesterday as I had a 10 minute sob with the Hubster yesterday afternoon just as he was prepping for his radio show (he can be so patient sometimes). Once I'd calmed down it was then I started on my first blog entry and I felt immediately better after I had splurged my IVF story/rant. Maybe that's the key to coping with IVF - having a daily rant (but then I tend to do that anyway).
I managed to crack a few smiles having a mid-Sunday morning boogie in the front room, had lunch at the 'spoon with Mum and Mama & Papa C but then I was just too hot and had to go outside to cool off four times (with just a t-shirt on, I was too steamy even to wear my specs this lunch time so I left them at home). All this made me grumpy and I apologised after lunch; I knew I'd been a bit punchy - oops.
So this is a short and sweet entry; despite all your positivity, amazing Hubster and friends, IVF belief CDs - sometimes you're just grumpy and in no moody for socialising or being happy and cheery! I'm recognising why I'm grumpy and I understand why its happening but it takes effort to take yourself out of the negative zone, so that's when its time to listen to The Orb! Its like trying to stop the black cloud us ladies associate with PMT - at times this can be a challenge.
So my lovely, patient Hubster has now gone out in search of crumpets as its the one thing I want to eat! Bless him - I do have a hint of a smile, fingers crossed despite it being Monday tomorrow, it will be a better day.
My jab / hazard box were I put all used needles.
Today I don't have much to report other than: meh!
Woke up with a headache, this is now an everyday occurance - thanks to my bessie Emma I now have some 4head. 4head is a lemon menthol stick that you rub across your forehead when you get a headache - and it works - genius! So 10 minutes later headache disappeared but I was still in a bad mood and I have remained so all day - meh!
This has obviously been brewing since yesterday as I had a 10 minute sob with the Hubster yesterday afternoon just as he was prepping for his radio show (he can be so patient sometimes). Once I'd calmed down it was then I started on my first blog entry and I felt immediately better after I had splurged my IVF story/rant. Maybe that's the key to coping with IVF - having a daily rant (but then I tend to do that anyway).
I managed to crack a few smiles having a mid-Sunday morning boogie in the front room, had lunch at the 'spoon with Mum and Mama & Papa C but then I was just too hot and had to go outside to cool off four times (with just a t-shirt on, I was too steamy even to wear my specs this lunch time so I left them at home). All this made me grumpy and I apologised after lunch; I knew I'd been a bit punchy - oops.
So this is a short and sweet entry; despite all your positivity, amazing Hubster and friends, IVF belief CDs - sometimes you're just grumpy and in no moody for socialising or being happy and cheery! I'm recognising why I'm grumpy and I understand why its happening but it takes effort to take yourself out of the negative zone, so that's when its time to listen to The Orb! Its like trying to stop the black cloud us ladies associate with PMT - at times this can be a challenge.
So my lovely, patient Hubster has now gone out in search of crumpets as its the one thing I want to eat! Bless him - I do have a hint of a smile, fingers crossed despite it being Monday tomorrow, it will be a better day.
My jab / hazard box were I put all used needles.
Sunday, 13 January 2013
I'm not quite feeling myself...
Hi
I'm Johanna - otherwise known as Jojo (or Jo) to all my friends. I've written a few blogs in the past but I've never been able to maintain them - they need to fill a need right? You need to feel that you are adding value to cyberspace; if you're not adding value and you're struggling to write then there really is no point in continuing. I've been looking for my next passion to get me blogging and by jove I think I've found it: the quest to make a mini-me! How bloody hard can it be?! That is the question?
Well it can be mighty hard and I don't think anyone can fully understand just how hard it can be until the trying starts and if after six months there's no bun in the oven - that's when fear starts to rear its ugly head. My Hubster and I are way past the six month stage and are now at the IVF stage. This is my truthful blog about what the IVF journey is really like, as no amount of preparation can truly get you ready for this journey. I hope my few words might help set the record straight; we all take it for granted that making a baby will be easy and that we can carry on raving it up until the very last second of our youth but trust me - it doesn't always work out like that, it might take years to get pregnant...
I'm on day 14 of down regulation; for those of you out there who don't know what that means, here's an explanation: in order for IVF to work the woman needs to shut down completely. Then the clinic can control your hormones and the only way they can do that is if there isn't any fertile activity g'wan - ironic hey? (I spent three years making myself work and now you're putting a halt to all that hard work?! WTF?!) The hormones that you initially start injecting with (some use spray but I'm injecting) shut all of your female reproductive hormones down - in short - you're given a chemical menopause - whoop de whoop!
Now I thought I was prepared, I've read everything there is to read, forums, booklets, medical journals, spoken to friends who have been through it (and are still going through it), gotten healthy and made sure I was fully vitamined up but my god - NOTHING PREPARES YOU!!! It's a bit like a two week come down that gradually gets worse - or having PMT on a monumental scale. BUT its not always that bad and it is manageable if you have the right attitude but it is tough, very tough on both the Hubster and me (obviously).
I inject 50 units of buserelin every evening at 7:30pm. My first injection all seemed wrong and I freaked (first proper IVF tears). I had a word with myself and and I "womaned up!" Stop crying woman and just get on with it! Its only an injection! If I'm honest, all of this is to make a baby and if I'm scared of injecting myself gawd knows what I'll be like when it comes to getting the baby out?! Fast forward five days and I'm jabbing myself mid Harry Potter studio tour - can't let this shizzle get in the way of a trip to Hogwarts now can I?! So trust me, if I can "woman up" and get used to daily jabs then anyone can - I actually think my fear of injections has left me - every cloud. To see what I inject daily check the photo at the end of this post.
BUT fast forward eight days of doing the jabs and that's when the fun starts, get to day 14 like I'm on and I wouldn't quite call it fun but its starting to get interesting:
I'm Johanna - otherwise known as Jojo (or Jo) to all my friends. I've written a few blogs in the past but I've never been able to maintain them - they need to fill a need right? You need to feel that you are adding value to cyberspace; if you're not adding value and you're struggling to write then there really is no point in continuing. I've been looking for my next passion to get me blogging and by jove I think I've found it: the quest to make a mini-me! How bloody hard can it be?! That is the question?
Well it can be mighty hard and I don't think anyone can fully understand just how hard it can be until the trying starts and if after six months there's no bun in the oven - that's when fear starts to rear its ugly head. My Hubster and I are way past the six month stage and are now at the IVF stage. This is my truthful blog about what the IVF journey is really like, as no amount of preparation can truly get you ready for this journey. I hope my few words might help set the record straight; we all take it for granted that making a baby will be easy and that we can carry on raving it up until the very last second of our youth but trust me - it doesn't always work out like that, it might take years to get pregnant...
I'm on day 14 of down regulation; for those of you out there who don't know what that means, here's an explanation: in order for IVF to work the woman needs to shut down completely. Then the clinic can control your hormones and the only way they can do that is if there isn't any fertile activity g'wan - ironic hey? (I spent three years making myself work and now you're putting a halt to all that hard work?! WTF?!) The hormones that you initially start injecting with (some use spray but I'm injecting) shut all of your female reproductive hormones down - in short - you're given a chemical menopause - whoop de whoop!
Now I thought I was prepared, I've read everything there is to read, forums, booklets, medical journals, spoken to friends who have been through it (and are still going through it), gotten healthy and made sure I was fully vitamined up but my god - NOTHING PREPARES YOU!!! It's a bit like a two week come down that gradually gets worse - or having PMT on a monumental scale. BUT its not always that bad and it is manageable if you have the right attitude but it is tough, very tough on both the Hubster and me (obviously).
I inject 50 units of buserelin every evening at 7:30pm. My first injection all seemed wrong and I freaked (first proper IVF tears). I had a word with myself and and I "womaned up!" Stop crying woman and just get on with it! Its only an injection! If I'm honest, all of this is to make a baby and if I'm scared of injecting myself gawd knows what I'll be like when it comes to getting the baby out?! Fast forward five days and I'm jabbing myself mid Harry Potter studio tour - can't let this shizzle get in the way of a trip to Hogwarts now can I?! So trust me, if I can "woman up" and get used to daily jabs then anyone can - I actually think my fear of injections has left me - every cloud. To see what I inject daily check the photo at the end of this post.
BUT fast forward eight days of doing the jabs and that's when the fun starts, get to day 14 like I'm on and I wouldn't quite call it fun but its starting to get interesting:
- Mood swings
- Tears, lots of tears - big fat ones that roll uncontrollably down your face.
- Feeling HOT HOT HOT! And I don't mean hot in a sexy way - I mean sweaty roasting hot, when your specs steam up immediately when you get on the tube, and whilst everyone else is wrapped up you're positively ecstatic at the thought of a snowball fight in your cossie! Turning up to work after a stress free 45 minute journey with sopping wet hair and damp armpits is generally not the kinda look I'm after but such is life! This they don't tell you when they inform you of the hot flush side-affect, I thought I'd just feel a bit warm, not like I'd just jumped head first into the lido (in summertime) fully clothed... Nice! Ladies: as Baden-Powell would say: "Be prepared!"
- Forgetfulness - this translates to faffing and taking forever to do a simple task. The other morning it took me 1hr 40mins to get out the door to go to work. In that time I totally forgot where my specs were and had a proper meltdown - full on sobbing until I found them. Mid spectacle hunt I started to have a monumental hot flush so I took my cardi off, then I forgot where I put my cardi and spent a further 10 minutes searching for it - whimpering?! ARGH - SOOOOO FRUSTRATING!
- Headaches - MoFo, MoFo, MoFo.
- Loss of appetite - force feeding is now a daily occurrence.
- Insomnia - this is amplified when you're married to a man who snores, queue mood swings at this point and after three consecutive nights of barely any sleep, tears, exhaustion and clumsiness.
- Exhaustion - and not just when you haven't slept. I had to cancel two lunch dates with a friend and was late for two other lunches over the Christmas break as I just couldn't wake up and get my sorry bottom out of bed. Akin to being a teenager when sleep was the centre of your universe - getting out of bed at times is an impossibility.
- Clumsy - I headbutted the windowsill the other night (I'd dropped my headphones and I'm still looking for them. I bumped my head so hard I forgot about looking for my headphones!) I had hysterical laughter and tears for 15 minutes, to which my bemused Hubster tried to see if there was blood. No blood but I still have a comical bump - this all adds to the general sense of "sexiness" (said in a sarcastic voice).
Basically a woman hits the menopause when she gets to 45 - 55 and it takes roughly 18 months from start to finish and is a gradual process. Well condense that to 2.5 weeks and you can imagine the resulting carnage! HAPPY DAYS!!!
I have a very patient Hubster - we've been together an eternity and he's seen me in every which way I come but this is something else. IVF is a very frustrating thing for my lovely Hubster - he has been amazing and I love him very much - how he hasn't lost his rag with me (yet) is beyond me?! It's all happening to me - of course he plays a vital role in what is about to happen and has had to stop smoking, cut down on the booze and generally stop our party lifestyle (not as hard it sounds, our IVF journey started long before I started treatment, we'd started winding down a good while ago limiting ourselves to a few nights out a year with Bestival or Festibelly thrown in for good measure. But Summer 2012 was going to be big and will be known in years to come as our last hurrah - a time where we were able to celebrate being together as a couple - in moderation of course; we hoped 2013 would be the year we finally got pregnant). Summer 2012 will always be remembered as the year my best friend got married to Tom; their wedding festival marked the beginning of a summer jam-packed with fun and included us going on a Courtney record breaking: five festivals, Greece for 10 days, the Olympics and Paralympics - we went out with style knowing our IVF treatment was imminent. Oh what fun we had! My Hubster has adjusted super quick to his now irrational wife who sobs almost on command, he scoops me up daily, calls me (fallen) Angel, makes me crackup laughing several times a day. In short he makes it all worth it as this is about US and not just me - two want to become three so whatever it takes...
My coping mechanism is this: The IVF Belief CD. Without listening to this CD every night I doubt I'd still be laughing and generally stress free and super positive (with the daily exception). As despite all of the above I am super optimistic. Believing that all of this will be worth it is half the battle, not taking yourself too seriously but making sure you are chilled and are looking after yourself is also very important.
My friends joke that I've become their vitamin pusher; for a good while now I have been investing in my body, looking at what I eat, what vitamins and minerals I take, cutting caffeine out (apart from one coffee in the morning - having a "proper cup of tea" has now become a real treat), stopping the social smoking and cutting my booze intake right down. On NYE at Emma and Tom's party I was rather tipsy after two small glass of champagne! They were swiftly followed by a jug of water and later on I was on the spritzers - all three of them! I was happily whisked home at 3am after having a good old dance and feeling sober, it proves it can be done. So booze, when drunk has been watered down for a good while now, the full fat stuff knocks me sideways! I've spent a small fortune in Holland & Barratt on:
I recommend anyone trying for a baby takes some if not all of the above when they start their journey. Vitamins, exercise (in moderation - I had to stop running which I still haven't quite gotten over), and healthy eating; brazil nuts and pineapple juice are both rich in selenium and broccoli is high in zinc - both good for the swimmers.
Given that I've compared down regulation to having a monumental come down here's another one of my coping mechanisms: The Orb. If you need to chill then you NEED to listen to Little Fluffy Clouds. The Orb's Little Fluffy Clouds takes all my stress and negative energy away, off they float into the universe and they leave me alone.
And finally - other than my wonderful Hubster, healthy living, The Orb and hypnotherapy CDs - my friends help keep me sane. I am blessed with the most awesome group of friends (you know who you are), and for them I am so very grateful. They let me be me and my gosh - they have amazing patience and listening skills (and they're all hilarious - they make me laugh so hard and I love them to the moon and back - they are ***totes amaze***). I may appear to be blaśe about IVF and my journey but they know the gravitas of what is happening here. So at the very least, if you're reading this and are in the same situation as me but have a very different attitude and are keeping your IVF journey very private, its worth considering leaning on your friends. Given how I have reacted to the drugs there is no way on God's earth I could've kept our IVF journey a secret. If I had tried I would've revealed all after being harassed over my strange behaviour: your friends provide support when you need it most and without my friends I would be lost.
I have to go and do my 14th jab so I'm signing off. Not every entry will be this long - I'm just setting the scene! So catch me later as I fill you in on mine and the Hubster's quest to make a mini-me.
50 units of buserelin, 7:30pm dally for 2 - 3 weeks.
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