Don't count your chickens before they've hatched

Two days post six day embryo transfer (2dp6dt)

'Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.' 
Elizabeth Gilbert 

From my last post up until 8:45am on Wednesday 9 April 2014 everything had been going tickety-boo. I've actually got three blog drafts saved that I'll never publish - they're going to remain drafts. In these drafts I've babbled on about The Lister hospital experience and compared it to a stay in a 5* hotel, with room service, great food, Molton Brown goodies and Sky TV. The only difference is you do actually have to go down to theatre and have a general anaesthetic and the nurses check in on you every 30 minutes afterwards. Below is a photo of me a few hours after egg collection, my blood pressure was very low at that point but I was overcome with joy when the food arrived - I was very hungry and I inhaled the lot. It was delicious!

Egg collection via general is FAR more civilised and I thoroughly recommend it. They managed to get 13 eggs, 10 were mature, six fertilised. Yep - we had six mini-mes and apparently fertilisation was easy - to quote the embryologist I spoke to three days post egg collection: 'Very easy fertilisation, in fact so easy I'm surprised you went for IMSI, from what I could see you would have been fine with straightforward IVF - the sample was grade 1 sperm. Your eggs were also top quality.' 

All six of our mini-mes were going strong on day three so we enthusiastically agreed to go for a day five / blastocyst transfer. We got a call on Tuesday from one of the embryologists telling us that four of our mini-mes hadn't reached blastocyst stage - they were what they called morulas - the other two were a wee bit behind but we should give it another day and give them a chance to develop a wee bit more. Again this was fine, day six transfers are perfectly normal. So when I got a No Caller ID phone call at 8:45am on Wednesday morning I answered the phone with dread - I knew instantly that it wasn't going to be good news. Four had arrested in development and two were developing slowly but were showing signs of becoming blastocysts, they were at the cavitating morula stage of development. We were advised that we may have to cancel the cycle.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO 

HOW CAN THIS BE?

OUR EGGS AND SWIMMERS ARE GOOD? TOP QUALITY YOU SAID.

WHAT WENT WRONG?

The room started spinning and I felt sick. I immediately got on the phone to my Bessie who is travelling in Europe (what would we do without Apple and FaceTime/Viber/WhatsApp? We are in the age of the smart phone and I would be 100% lost without mine).

My Bessie calmed me down, so I could calm my wonderful Hubster down. We were going to go to the clinic, talk to Dr Wren, and I was positive that we were going to transfer. Just because our mini-mes were a bit slow doesn't mean they won't stick. But the journey there was the longest its ever been and it was the most quiet we've ever been. We were supposed to be excited but we were scared.

I was hoping to see my consultant James Nicopoullos but he was on holiday so we saw Dr Wren instead. She was in the main nice but my god she was also VERY blunt. To cut a long story short she said: 'you didn't get pregnant with a 5AA blastocyst so you're not going to get pregnant with these.'

BOOOOOOM - kick me us both in the teeth when we're down why don't you? Up until that morning as far as we were concerned we were on track for a single embryo transfer and hoping to be able to freeze two or three embies for later, but now you tell us four have died and we will need a miracle for the others to progress. A little sensitivity wouldn't go a miss eh? I appreciate that you are a scientist and see everything in black and white but look after your patient's emotions, you work in the field of infertility - by the time ladies have come to you they have been through years of trying for a baby - they're desperate - you're their last hope - your patients have invested EVERYTHING into this process so be mindful of their hearts. You should know better than to say something like that, especially someone in your position. Our mini-mes weren't dead, they were slow, so whilst they are still growing (albeit slowly), there is still hope (even if it is only a glimmer and a miracle is needed).

We took five minutes, we went outside, I called my Bessie on Viber. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was drowning. On the one hand I have this doctor who I had never met before telling me in no uncertain terms that there is no point in transferring our last two mini-mes (but she'd do it if I wanted her to, the choice was mine), on the other hand I wanted my mini-mes in my womb. I wanted them with me, they'd be better with me than in a petri dish, they belong with me. 

To be told that the only way forward was to abandon your cycle is a million times worse than getting to test day and having a negative. Trust me - I know. I've had a cycle not even let me get to test day and end in a very heavy, painful bleed. I've gotten to test day and got a negative and now I've been told that my cycle is being abandoned and there's not much hope in your remaining embryos progressing - in fact there's no point in transferring. Out of the three scenarios the third is the worst - take my word for it, it sucks.

I felt winded. 
My legs felt weak. 
I was confused. 

I cried and cried and cried. My Bessie cried. My Hubster cried. We all cried.

But you know what? My mini-mes were still going. They might be slow but they are still growing so what did we have to lose? So we transferred them and they are now with me where they belong. Here they are - the one on the left is a bit more developed than the one on the right. They are called cavitating morulas - the stage right before blastocyst.

I've read of day five and day six cavitating morulas resulting in pregnancy. Apparently they usually result in girls? I'm not getting ahead of myself and believing that next week I'll have a positive pregnancy test and I'll be carrying a baby girl - I'm not that silly. I know I need to be positive but not at the expense of dealing with the here and now and the range of emotions that comes with that. I'm being realistic. The opportunity to be cautiously optimistic was taken away from me the moment I was told there's not much point in transferring as I won't get pregnant. They took away my hope. Ladies on the Fertility Friends forum have helped give me a bit of hope, whilst you have an embryo there is always hope (but let's keep that hope in check shall we and not run away with ourselves).

Today my boobs are like rockets, they are swollen and they hurt, so much so I had to wear a sports top to bed with an in-built bra to try and stop them hurting as much. Today I have mild cramping. The hopeful part of my brain tells me that this is a good sign - my embryos would be eight days old (if they are still going), as they were a little slow off the mark the mild cramping could be implantation cramps. But I doubt it. It's the cyclogest pessaries Johanna - YOU KNOW THIS - it's the progesterone, nothing else so stop imagining you're pregnant.

We have a lot of questions.

Why in our cycle at Kings were we able to get five blastocysts but not at The Lister? Why when we were focusing on quality and not quantity were we unable to get the quality we got in our previous cycle? You told us we didn't need IMSI so why did our embryos not develop? What about sperm DNA fragmentation? Did the awful family bust-up a few weeks ago affect the quality of my eggs? Was the stress partly to blame? What went wrong in the lab? How could this happen? 

Questions. Questions. Questions.

We need a miracle. Please let our mini-mes fight and stick and prove everyone wrong.

I started this post with a quote and I'm ending with a different quote. Repressing your emotions is bad for you, and imposing positivity when you are sad is bad. Don't get me wrong - I am a positive kinda girl, but even people who are naturally positive and reject negativity have their sad days. Being sad and being negative are very different things. I'm finding the strength to acknowledge how the past few days have made me feel and I'm dealing with the tough emotions - I'm allowing myself to feel happy believe it or not. In my acknowledgment of my sorrow I can truly be happy as happiness and sorrow are two sides of the same coin. To be truly happy you must be at one with all of your emotions and you must have the strength to live in the here and now. I may be feeling sad, but I'm ok with that - as it's our emotions that makes us human. 

'Joy and sorrow are inseparable…together they come and when one sits alone with you…remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.' 
Khalil Gibran

Laters xx

Last day of jabs - woo hoo

Day twelve of stimulation, day seven of cetrotide and trigger shot (ovitrelle) day!

This is going to be a rather short and sweet post.

Despite it being less than month since our first consultation at The Lister we are now galloping towards the IVF finish line. It's felt intense, the jabs have hurt more this time round (yes they bruise and I normally bleed after each and every one, my belly also goes bright red and itchy immediately afterwards). Despite a lower dose I have been responding well but I am very glad to not have to jab myself for a good while after today - fingers crossed. Today is the first working day since last week that I haven't be required at hospital, it feels strange. I had roughly 14 follicles that looked ripe for harvesting at my scan yesterday, my hormone levels have been balancing out, I'm learning to relax and I'm trying not to fret about not being at work.

I'm nil by mouth from midnight tomorrow, in at 7am Thursday morning in preparation for egg collection by general anaesthetic later that morning - I'm first on the list. This is the main difference between being treated privately compared to the NHS. At my previous egg collection I was heavily sedated so have vague recollections of what went on and my Hubster was in the room with me. They 'woke me up' and two nurses then walked/carried me to a bed in the treatment waiting ward. I was then shuffled out the moment I was 'compus-mentus' and sent home; at The Lister I'm knocked out via general, I won't be aware of the 'bum torpedo' (this is a term I picked up from a fellow IVFer for the diclofenac suppository they give you rectally before surgery to relax your womb - it's not a pleasant experience I can tell you, I'll let your imaginations work out why), and my Hubster won't be in theatre with me. I'll have my own room and can leave when I am discharged which should be roughly four hours after I've been in theatre - so when I'm ready to go home, not when they need me to go home. There are other differences with this treatment cycle compared to my first fresh cycle: I have been monitored very closely, I've had a lot of blood taken to monitor my hormone levels - this didn't happen at the Kings ACU and I think if had been monitored as closely as I am now I wouldn't have gotten so poorly last time round. 

We're provisionally booked in for embryo transfer this Sunday (6 April) but I'm pretty confident that we'll go to Tuesday (8 April) for a blastocyst transfer. We've paid for a more advanced version of ICSI called IMSI - this stands for intra cytoplasmic morphologically-selected sperm injection. The main difference is that the swimmers will be selected by an extremely strong microscope (x600 times stronger than the one used for standard ICSI) and then injected into my eggs, this should give us the best chance possible of making fabulous mini-mes - together with the endometrium scratch I had a couple of weeks ago should encourage implantation.

So for the interim I'm at home, relaxing trying to put all the nonsense of the past few weeks that could have very easily interfered with our treatment to the back of my mind. I'm focusing my energy on making protein rich, healthy eggs and trying not to focus on the negative - I am repelling stress as there's only one thing that we need to focus on. I have acupuncture at 4pm so I'm certain I will remain zen like in preparation for egg collection and for the transfer of our mini-me(s).

I'll be back in a few days with a round up with how egg collection went - exciting times!

Laters x

What a difference a week makes

It's a week since I first realised that our first IVF cycle had ended with a nasty, heavy, heartbreaking period. In retrospect, not having the opportunity to use one of the eight pregnancy tests I'd bought compounded my woe. Life just isn't fair: FACT.

BUT there is a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

I won't lie, last week was hell on earth, I have no idea how I would've gotten through it if it wasn't for my wonderful Hubster. He really is my rock. I pretty much lost the power of speech and found myself only being able to speak to him or my bessie Emma. My bessie is expecting her first baby, we were all 200% convinced that our IVF cycle was going to work as I'm so healthy and our issues are with the Hubster; my bessie and I were soooooo excited about having our babies together and going on maternity leave together. I guess it just wasn't meant to be this time round.

My other wonderful friends have been persisting with the missed phonecalls and texts, I just haven't had the strength to speak to them. Texting, emailing even blogging are easier than actually speaking about it. Today is the first day since it happened that I haven't woken up with the choking, heavy hearted, suffocating feeling, and I finally felt strong enough to go back to work.

I am feeling angry though.

Very angry.

I'm angry at myself for truly believing I was pregnant when I obviously wasn't. I'm angry at myself for not listening to words of advice from friends who have also experienced IVF loss: the drugs screw with your body more than you realise. I'm angry at the doctor who pulled rank and did the transfer with the new, softer catheter - if the lovely Indian lady doctor had done the transfer as planned would my mini-me now be a permanent fixture? Who knows but what I do know is that this anger isn't going to do me any good so I'm dealing with it - anger turns to hate and I don't want to hate.

I've received so many lovely kind messages from all of my friends and I'm really glad that they weren't the type of messages that I didn't want to hear - apart from one. A friend who I had started to drift apart from replied to a text I sent the weekend prior to us finding out the IVF hadn't worked. I told her about my heartbreak and sorrow (it was very, very raw for me last Wednesday), given how I felt her response knocked me for six (and I'm still reeling from it). Having spent the day howling and knicker checking, feebly trying to cling on to my PMA - getting a message that said I shouldn't let it rip me apart, I need to chin up, this could take years and I should take up yoga and have a hot bath did not help. I'm not sure what she was thinking when she sent that message but there was zero empathy in that message, zero understanding about what grief is; in my opinion it's an illustration of why we have drifted apart as friends. How anyone can think that telling your (apparent) friend in her time of sorrow and heartbreak to chin-up, this might take years would be of any comfort is beyond me? Think it by all means but have the tact not to actually say it. Her response baffled me and I still can't work it out. IVF is much, much more than a few injections - it is a process where you put all of your eggs in one basket and when it fails, you can feel the hope being ripped out of you, and the pain is horrid. 

So - what next?

I went back to work today and my lovely colleagues kept me well stocked in tea, chocolate and giggles - just what the doctor ordered. Yesterday was the first day since it happened that I didn't cry, I did cry today - but only briefly. I'm starting to feel strong enough to face the world again and to contemplate what my Hubster and I will do next with regards to making a mini-me... Obviously we will try the traditional method :) We're both so healthy at the moment the Hubster's super swimmers may find their way to one of my eggs all by themselves - wouldn't that be amaze balls?!?! I'm back on the agnus castus to help encourage ovulation and to help get myself back on track asap - a batch of 30 pee sticks are winging their way to me so I'm ready and waiting to get tracking my cycle again. I'm going to throw myself into the gym - having stopped running to help with fertility issues two years ago I've decided that I need to start running again, it makes me feel amazing and I need all the endorphins I can get my hands on.

Our follow up is 14 March - I'm writing my questions down so I can make sure I know what we can do for our frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle. I think this will be natural with a only a few HCG shots and progesterone pessaries so I guess it will be easier for us to handle? I want to know how many embryos they defrost at once? What if all of them are defrosted, they all survive and I can only put one back in - what happens with the rest? It seems every which way you turn with IVF you have more questions, questions, questions...

Till next time you lovely lot, to all of you who have left me kind, heart warming messages - thank you. Your love is helping me heal and although I didn't think it last week - positivity is the way forward - you've all helped me remember just how strong I am. To my wonderful friend Mel in Jersey - thank you for our delicious chocolate brownies - I can't wait to give you a big fat hug when I see you next week. All of your support has been phenomenal - you've made me feel strong when I've needed it most. And to my two other friends who have also had failed cycles pretty much within a week either side of my failed cycle - keep the faith - 2013 is our year.

Catch ya later :) x

The final countdown

Embryo Transfer and the dreaded two week wait

Tuesday was ET day, it was a very exciting day and it pretty much marked a conclusion to our IVF treatment; after waiting for so long and then diving headlong into it, and then feeling rubbish (but very upbeat) throughout, would you think it strange if I told you I found this a little sad? Probably!

We got the call from our embryologist around about 9:30am on Tuesday to tell us we had one über top grade blastocyst for transfer and we have a few for freezing, all good quality blastos but the best with the highest possibility of implanting would be meeting me later. Whoop whoop. Despite having quite a few good quality embryos at the three day stage you always worry that they may not live - it has happened but I was ecstatic to hear that ours were still fighting. I gave verbal consent for them to be frozen - we have some babies in the bank so to speak.

Our appointment was at 2:30pm, you need to have a full bladder for ET as it helps the doctor place the embryo in the right section of the womb (the bladder helps flatten out the womb so when it comes to inserting the catheter into your womb - it practically goes in a straight line). Given the sheer amount of liquid I've been drinking to try and beat the OHSS this wasn't a problem, however - we didn't get seen until 3:30pm - I was full to bursting!!! Like egg collection (EC) day, you need to ensure that you're not wearing any makeup (including nail varnish), perfume - anything smelly and the same goes for your significant other - embryos don't like it so you need to make sure when you are going for EC and ET that you are there as God made you. 

ET doesn't hurt and is much like a smear test as it involves a speculum, unlike having a baseline scan you have an ultrasound - it's via the ultrasound the team can see where to transfer the embryo. There were a legion of people in the room with us: the doctor doing the transfer, two other doctors, a trainee doctor and the embryologist. Initially a lovely, petite Indian lady doctor was supposed to do the ET but when I walked into theatre fully gowned up, I was asked if I minded another doctor doing the ET as he wanted try a new softer catheter (a more senior doctor obviously pulled rank)? I didn't really care who did it, as long as they did it properly and got my mini-me in my womb safely - this doctor seemed like he knew how to do the job! You can't be shy if you're having IVF, your foof is on show for everyone to have a look at. As they were trialling a new catheter we had a mock transfer first, this is fine, do as many practice runs as you like as long as when it comes to the real thing - it's done correctly (I didn't doubt the doctor's competence at any time btw). Yes ladies - you can't be shy about this; imagine you are on a dentist like chair with you legs in stirrups, much like a smear there's a speculum and it's clamped in for a good while, your chair is then winched up and there is a bright yellow shining light beaming at your foof where both male and female doctors will be having a look, all to ensure the safe delivery of your mini-me. This is what ET is like! The bonus of all of this is we not only got to see our mini-me hatching out of it's shell in the petri dish on the big plasma screen just before transfer, but we also saw it being inserted into my womb (not very clearly, but you could see it). This was awesome (and it brings a tear to my eye when I think about it - absolutely amazing).

A day five hatching blastocyst - this is what our mini-me looked like before transfer, ripe for attaching and implanting (fingers crossed).

Kings ACU use the Gardener scale for grading Blastocysts, the stage of development of the blastocyst(s) is graded from 1 - 6, and the outer and inner cell masses are graded from A-C. The inner cell mass forms what will become the baby (this is what you can see hatching out of the picture above), the outer cell mass or trophectoderm will become the placenta. The stage of development and quality of the outer and inner cell masses is scored as per the tables below. I've included this technical shizzle as it can be hard to remember everything as and when you're told it due to adrenalin, and given how you are positioned in theatre.

The Gardener blastocyst grading system assigns three seperate quality scores to each blastocyst embryo:

1. Blastocyst development stage - expansion and hatching status
2. Inner cell mass (ICM) score, or quality
3. Trophectoderm (TE) score, or quality

Expansion grade	Blastocyst development and stage status
1	Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
2	Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
3	Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
4	Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
5	Hatching out of the shell
6	Hatched out of the shell

ICM grade	Inner cell mass quality
A	Many cells, tightly packed
B	Several cells, loosely grouped
C	Very few cells

TE grade	Trophectoderm quality
A	Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B	Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
C	Very few large cells

What I am really pleased to say is that our mini-me is a grade 5AA - this is the best type of blastocyst that can be transferred, and from what I understand is a bit like gold dust in the murky world of IVF/ICSI. Grade 6 blastos need to hatch in the womb so I was pleased as punch to see that we now have the best possible chance of success, our mini-me was ripe for implantation, fingers and toes crossed.

Test day is Friday 15 February 2013: gulp. 

This is nine long days away. I am so looking forward to that day but it also scares the be-jesus out of me. It's REALLY hard not to dwell and over analyse every twinge (Google at times can be your own worst enemy). Those cramps I can feel, are they implantation cramps or is it my ovaries groaning with the last bit of OHSS or is it the progesterone pessaries? Questions, questions, questions. And it's because of all these questions, lack of activity and waiting that make the two week wait (or the 11 day wait for a five day transfer as in my case) the hardest part of IVF: am I pregnant or not - please somebody tell me!!! BUT one must wait patiently for the outcome of one's endeavours. There's no point in testing too early as you could get a big fat positive (BFP) due to residual HCG being in your system from the trigger shot done 36 hours prior to egg collection. I know of a friend who tested too early and got a BFP, and then ended up getting a big fat negative (BFN) when it came to test day. I can't put myself through that so I shall have to be patient and wait until the morning of 15 February.

I haven't worked out how I will tell people yet, what I do know, if its a BFN I'm not going to want to talk about it and I won't want to have to repeat the news, and I will crumble but for the minute the Hubster and I remain hopeful. Hopeful that our mini-me is bedding down for some VIP womb action and at the moment it feels like that might be happening but only time will tell, as I said - it could be anything. We have done everything humanly possible to make this work and we have a great chance of success but there are no guarantees.

So I'm signing off for now, the next nine days are going to be long but this is where my IVF Belief CD comes into it's own. The third and final message is about deep relaxation and positive visualisation and it really helps me chill and focus all my positive energy to my womb and our mini-me. I'm going to be listening to it lots. Please sprinkle oodles of baby dust our way and pray we get the result we so want.

Catch ya later :) x

Let's twist again

So I've been in pain, real pain. The type of pain that makes all the colour drain from your face and you need to pant through it. The pain was so bad last night that I actually told the Hubster "I need to go to hospital." Queue blood draining from the Hubster's face, scary times - I don't think I'd realised up until that point how stressful all of this has been on my lovely Hubster. The flat may look like an upside down mess but who am I do have a go at him about that when let's face it - all of his energy has been put into making sure that I'm ok?

The day had started out so well as well, we were up at 8:30am getting ready to go to Kings for embryo transfer (ET). We were told to treat Saturday like ET day and if enough of our little mini-mes had made it to day three and were dividing evenly we could go for a day five (blastocyst) transfer. At 9:15am we got the call from the embryologist to say that 3/4 of our embryos were still going strong and were of a very high quality - we could go for Monday transfer - woo hoo! Absolutely buzzing, this is what I'd been praying for - I knew all my PMA was worth it - go, go, go mini-mes - we're willing you on!

This was the best I'd felt in days, I could actually put my new (stretchy) jeans on as the bloat had decreased and I guess the adrenalin rush had something to do with the feel good factor, so the Hubster and I went out for brunch. Whilst at brunch, my consultant called to check on my symptoms (as it was a Saturday I had the doctor call and not a nurse as usual). I told him I was actually up and out for the first time since Wednesday, the bloat had subsided somewhat but I still was nowhere near 100%. He asked about how much I was peeing and he seemed happy with that, but I'm still under close observation as symptoms of OHSS can fluctuate on an hourly basis. The previous day I had a very bad, sharp stabbing pain in the womb/ovary area, it lasted about 10 minutes then went thankfully. Apparently this is my ovary twisting - WTF?!?! Due to over stimulation my ovaries are very large, they sit independently on both sides of the womb. Sudden movement can make them twist - I had no idea about this. They normally twist back by themselves, if the pain stays, it's what's called an emergency and I'm to call the on-call gyno at Kings ASAP and head to A&E if necessary.

OK!!! I felt reassured to know what that pain was and glad my body had sorted it out by itself. Fast forward 12 hours and I look like a ghost, not communicating with the Hubster other than the odd grunt and pointing at whatever I needed - at that point I was demanding a fresh hot water bottle. It took 30 minutes for the pain to go last night and I was scared, really scared (but I didn't let on to the Hubster how scared I was). Having read the OHSS leaflet again that one of the nurses gave me on Wednesday I've now noticed the section on acute abdominal pain it says to call them immediately if I get it. I never really understood what acute pain was until I got OHSS; I've never felt pain like it - EVER, and I pray I don't feel it again.

After brunch we went to the in-laws, it was there my bloating suddenly came back, I had to undo my jeans and I started waddling again - my pee output had suddenly gone down as well so we rushed home (as much as a person in my condition can rush that is), I got back into bed (boooooo), inhaled some water and then I started peeling again - phew. It's now Sunday morning, the bloat is still there (and as big as ever) but my twisted ovary has twisted itself back - thank f**k for that. I have NEVER felt pain like it.

I've had some well meaning friends try to get me to "think myself better" which normally I am an advocate of but this is something totally different to a bug; do they not think that I have already been willing my body to stop doing what it's doing? My friends should know I'm a glass half full kinda girl so thinking my way out of this horrid condition is already on the agenda. If the power of thought alone was enough to stop my follicles from filling up with protein rich liquid, which then seeps out into my abdomen causing the massive bloat, I really would've kicked this OHSS by now but it ain't as simple as that. Telling me to think myself better is a bit like telling a 15 year old girl who has unwittingly found out she's pregnant (and she doesn't want to be), that she can think herself to not be pregnant! That shizzle doesn't happen! This isn't the lurgy, or a tummy bug or a fit of melodramatic depression, its an overreaction to the Gonal F, it is what it is and it will be gone soon enough; the best thing to do is for me to give-in to what's happening, relax, don't stress about it, drink oodles of liquid and rest, rest, rest. 

I know my friends mean well and if you're reading this and you're one of my well meaning friends who gave me the thinking advice please don't get upset with me, I know none of you want me to go through this and that your heart is in the right place. If you know me at all you'll know that I've read masses on this, I understand the condition and how dangerous it can be and I'm doing what the doctors are telling me to do. All my positivity is being channelled towards our mini-mes, willing them to stay strong and to develop into blastocysts. I finally stumbled across a blog that is as honest as my blog on OHSS - have a read - it really made me feel better and it might give you a better understanding of the excruciating pain that no amount of thought is able to combat; it made me realise that I'm not going mad imagining these symptoms - you just need to look at me to see something isn't right!

Bloated Jojo - not looking too happy about the situation (and most certainly not my most attractive photo but I thought I should share the love). This was taken yesterday (Saturday 2 February 2013) - I'm a bit bigger since then - the irony isn't lost on me that I look rather pregnant!

Despite all of this (and it appears that I have had a rather tough IVF experience so far) I am still in very good spirits. I may have had to jump through hoops with the NHS to get my treatment but you know what? I'm glad I had to jump through hoops as IVF is anything but a quick-fix, it's a long hard slog (physically and emotionally). This is expensive, hardcore, invasive treatment - they need to be certain only the right couples get the treatment.

I'm totally in awe of what the doctors do at Kings and I feel nothing but love for them. The NHS, despite its faults is a wonderful thing and I feel so lucky to be where I am, I am blessed to have my mini-mes dividing away in a petri dish in SE5, I'm a very lucky girl - I just need lady luck to be on my side from this day onwards. I just need one of my mini-mes to take up residence with me and we can get on with getting to know each other. It's gonna happen and I know I'll have some babies left over for another time; I can't possibly have endured all of this for it not to work (and I am banishing those seeds of doubt out of my head this very instant!) Knowing I have mini-mes in a petri dish in SE5 makes me very happy and excited. I know the OHSS is likely to get worse and possibly stay with me for weeks to come if I get pregnant but you know what? I don't care, whatever it takes as two want to become three. Tomorrow is blastocyst transfer day - excited doesn't come close :)

Catch ya later :) x

My own harvest festival

Egg collection and after affects round up

Egg collection was on Wednesday 30 January 2013, its now Friday 1 February and I'm spending another day in bed - oh what I'm going through to get a mini-me - but I'd do it all again - in a heartbeat.

So on EC day I was super calm, chilled and if anything not nervous but EXCITED - really excited. This was the day that the Hubster's DNA and my DNA were going to join to make mini-mes - what's not to be excited about?!

I got told off for admitting to taking a sip of water by the embryologist but we were still allowed to go ahead with the procedure. I won't lie to you - it hurt like a MoFo but I was out of it at the same time so I only remember snippets. The Hubster stayed with me throughout, I have vague recollections of him stroking my hair throughout the whole process. I had a heartbeat monitor and not at any point did it increase, it was a nice constant 70bpm, even when I was told to "take a deep breath in" and then I felt a hot, sharp stabbing pain around my womb / ovaries. The hypnotherapy CDs are obviously working - being relaxed and positive is the name of the game so if you are going through IVF yourself, please chill (and if all else fails, listen to The Orb's little fluffy clouds - works every time - you're allowed to take your iPod in with you if need be, if it helps - do it!!!) I know I bled as I felt them clean me up. I don't recall saying this but every time the embryologist said "deep breath in" I said "no pain, no gain." I winced but I wasn't a pansy and I breathed. This was after all one of the most exciting days of my life. What I'm really chuffed that I remembered was seeing MY EGGS on the big fat plasma screen - I am soooooo glad I was with it for that as it was 100% awesome - there were loads of them! Screw the pain - this is so worth it.

Anyhow, in recovery I zonked out and slept on and off for about an hour. I could hear a lady in the neighbouring cubicle crying her eyes out prior to her EC - if my head wasn't as woozy and my legs worked I would've gone in there, given her a big hug and would've tried to change her fear to excitement. I can't see how getting yourself in such a tizz is going to help matters? Anyhow - I hope the sedative helped her chill - it most certainly did me and I felt the after affects of it for the rest of the day.

The long and short of it is: I had far more than 26 follicles by the time the embryologist started having a rummage (my ovaries obviously went into overdrive last weekend), they got 18, yes 18 eggs (woo hoo) and Hubster's swimmers stood up to the test and did us proud. Another embryologist came to see us once I'd come round from the sedative in recovery and told us that at least 9 of my eggs would be fertilised via ICSI and 6 via conventional IVF. As per the most recent swimmer analysis, the Hubster's swimmers were on the cusp of ICSI/IVF so why not treat them like that and do a combo? Brilliant, the staff at King's really are amazing and I am in awe of them. How cool would it be to tell people that you're an embryologist? Far more exciting than saying you work in Marketing - I really wish science had been made a lot more appealing when I was at school as I now find it all fascinating. I'm going to make it my mission to get my mini-me(s) interested in science and with a bit of luck they'll go one to do something as amazing as this.

Anyhow, I digress, do you want to know what the different is between ICSI and IVF? ICSI stands for: Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection. This involves injecting a single swimmer directly into the egg to fertilise it - so the swimmer is given a helping hand. Here's a picture to show you the science bit - seriously - these guys are amazing for being able to do this:

Conventional IVF stands for in-vitro fertilisation, this literally means fertilisation in a glass - here's another picture for the science bit:

I am very chuffed that we are having both, the staff at Kings are keen to keep the whole process of baby-making as natural as possible so we have been lucky enough to have the best of both worlds. This however is where my frank honesty of how many eggs and swimmers successfully fertilised ends; I want to keep this private and don't really want the amount of embryos we have currently dividing away out there on the internet (you can understand that hey?) What I can tell you is that we have mini-mes growing in a petri dish and the embryologist called saying "I have amazing news" and it was amazing - lockdown was worth it and I am so excited about everything (despite feeling like a big fat pile of steaming poo). We're booked in for embryo transfer (ET) at 10:30am tomorrow morning (Saturday 2 February 2013). This would be a three day transfer, I'm hoping our little mini-mes stay strong and keep dividing evenly so they can get to blastocyst stage and we can have a five day transfer.

Here's a bit more science: check the image below to see how embryos develop. If you look at the very first embryo picture that has just two small circles in it - these circles represent the DNA from the mother and the father - how cool is that?! I figure that our mini-mes are currently at the eight cell stage, awesome, awesome, awesome. With a bit of luck the progesterone pessaries I'm now on will help one of my mini-mes implant in my nice, think womb - a blastocyst implantation is the aim.

Since my EC I have been feeling rough. The bloating I had with the HCG trigger shot has increased, I look about six months pregnant. It seems I have mild OHSS, it's quite uncomfortable and painful, I've felt queasy and have had some terrible trapped wind! Kings are checking up on me daily, I have a jug I need to pee in and I need to drink at least two litres of water / juice / tea  etc a day, and I need to monitor my pee output. If my output declines rapidly I need to get myself to Kings quick sharp, if I start to feel breathless I need to get to A&E. I feel like crap but I'm still über optimistic - it is what it is and it will go soon enough - its just one of those things. I had yesterday off sick and I'm off sick again today - I was supposed to work form home but sitting up at a laptop for long periods of time is very uncomfortable (this post has been written in segments). Kings are calling me daily and they are concerned and keeping a close eye on me but I figure it'll be gone soon enough and I'll have a mini-me inside me :)

So that's it from me today, despite feeling like poo this is quite possibly the most exciting time of my life.

Catch ya later :) x

Ready or not...

In T minus 11 hours the Hubster and I will be at King's ACU; I'll be sedated, in theatre having my eggs harvested: OH MY GOD!!!

Breathe Johanna, breathe!

Normally I am getting my jabs ready around about now (started writing at 7:30pm in case you were wondering about the time lapse), but not tonight - I did the last one of those bad boys last night - happy days. The last buserelin, doo-lally jab was dispatched at 18:45, the one and only HCG trigger shot was done at 21:03 - exactly 36 hours before egg collection.

The last buserelin (doo-lally) jab

The one and only HCG trigger shot box that has been sitting in my fridge for just over three months

And the pre-loaded injection pen - natural at this jabbing malarkey now!

As promised the HCG trigger shot has "made me feel like crap."  I woke up this morning looking like I was five months pregnant from all the bloating, my ovaries have been aching (particularly when I have to go for a pee), I've been feeling very nauseous - happy days. The bloating does have a bonus, I was offered a seat on the way to work twice this morning (and I took both of them; I'm near enough pregnant eh?!) Only time will tell of I get full-blown OHSS, fingers crossed I'm through with the side affects.

So tomorrow is D-day, we're up nice and early, I will have to get to grips with yet another glamourous side of IVF, the anal suppository that I have to insert an hour before I leave - oh yeeeaaaaah! This forms the first part of the analgesia so I'm sure I'll be grateful for it when it comes to egg collection. Of course tomorrow is the day that the Hubster "gets to do his bit." I know this whole process is mainly about me but obviously the Hubster plays an absolutely vital role and gosh - he's going to have to perform under pressure tomorrow morning - I do feel a teeny bit sorry for him but then all the staff at Kings have seen this thing a million times before. So whilst the Hubster is doing his bit I'll be getting into my gown and getting ready for the intravenous injection of pethidine (a strong painkiller), and midazolam (a sedative) to make the procedure more comfortable.

With a bit of luck these follicles will have some nice juicy, ripe eggs in them ready for harvesting, that the Hubster has some super swimmers, and there is some serious fertilisation going on.

So that's it from me today as I need to try and get an early night. I'll update either tomorrow or Friday with how many eggs were collected and whether we're having IVF or ICSI (and I'll explain what the difference is).

Seriously exciting (but oh so scary stuff). It's all been leading up to this day - let's hope it's all been worth it. IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!!!

Catch ya later :) x

btw: this tune has been in my head all day: DJ Hype, Ready or Not - can't imagine why?! If you're into your d'n'b then you'll like this - enjoy :)

Stimulation overdrive...

Day 11 of stims

Yesterday was such a full-on, emotional day that I just didn't have the energy required to focus enough for a blog post, so here goes.

I was right - there has been a lot of activity going on downstairs as I have a whopping 26 follicles - whoop whoop whoop and my gosh - they're large! Not quite large enough for egg collection (EC) on Monday but it will be happening on Wednesday. However, this means that I am now at a high risk of developing OHSS - boo.  After my scan (which was fascinating) I saw one of the nurses (Laura) and she ran through with me when I would be taking my last buserelin and Gonal F jabs and what the scenario would be for either a Monday or Wednesday EC (and gave me an anal suppository for EC day - gosh this IVF shizzle is sooooo sexy eh?!) I then had to see a doctor, who ran through with us what all the risks are with OHSS and what would I like to do with regards to my treatment:

a) Cancel my treatment - NO WAY JOSÉ!!!
b) Freeze my eggs and then carry on with treatment at a later date - NO WAY JOSÉ AGAIN! The treatment options on the NHS aren't as generous as they used to be and with only getting one fully-funded full cycle on the NHS we're not doing that!
c) Continue with treatment - YES WAY!!!

Doc mentioned how healthy I am, said my womb lining looks nice and thick, the reason for my enthusiastic response is due to being so healthy so this is good. Nice thick lining is the way forward if I want a successful implantation - this is what all the co-enzyme q10 is for - to help encourage a succesful implantation.

However, my pains are going to get worse, when I take my HCG trigger shot at 9pm on Monday evening I'm going to feel crap afterwards (OHSS thrives under HCG), after EC I will feel momentarily better but my follicles will fill back up with liquid and I will start feeling like crap again and after embryo transfer (ET) and presuming pregnancy occurs - oh yes - I will feel even more crap! What happens (as explained in my previous post), after the ovaries start going a bit crazy and keep on producing follicles that keep expanding - (this is the cause of the pain - 26 follicles all around 18m in diameter each - how the hell is all of that fitting in my womb? No wonder I've been feeling uncomfortable?!) The follicles are filling with liquid, this can seep out into the abdomen (hence looking out for water retention and bloating), but this can also show itself in fat ankles, a shortness of breath, dark coloured pee, resulting in nausea and vomiting and God forbid a blood clot. If I get a lot of water around my tummy, I'll have a drain fitted and as long as we are comfortable changing the drain I can have this at home, worst case scenario I'll have to go into hospital. I have been reassured that at Kings they have only had to cancel one IVF cycle as a result of OHSS, and that as this is always treated it's not fatal. What is reassuring to know is that OHSS doesn't impact on the likelihood of IVF resulting in a pregnancy (nor does it harm a pregnancy), and the staff at Kings are going to be keeping an eye on me and will be calling me daily after EC to check up on how I am feeling.

So yesterday, the Hubster and I were buzzing with nerves but mainly excitement - I can't quite believe that after trying for yonks, jumping through hoops with the NHS to get treatment, and then lockdown we are finally here. To think that this time next week there could be oodles of mini-me embryos all dividing on a petri dish waiting to be transferred into my womb (baby-house - this is what I hope it will be known as for the next nine months). SO EXCITING!!!

I have never, ever wanted something as bad as I want this - please, please, please let it work. If you are reading this please pray to whatever deity rocks your boat that this works. I am most certainly going to mass tomorrow - I/we have never, ever wanted anything as bad as we want this - I need to start showing my face at mass more often anyhow so there's no better time to start than now in my opinion. The nurse said I am a textbook case so far and given our positive, cheery outlook and healthy living there is no reason why we won't be pregnant this time next month. She also said that the Hubster's swimmers improvement is "commendable!" How awesome is that?! We were told at the beginning of treatment we have 40% chance of success (which is high going by IVF standards - I think this must've improved with all of our healthy living?)

So I've spoken to work about the posibility of developing OHSS, I don't think it went in really but if I feel in the slightest bit squiffy I shan't be going in to work - this is too important. I do feel at the moment like I'm about to come on - my lower abdomen is very firm to the touch and I have been getting pangs in my left side by my left ovary - this makes sense as there are 14 follicles on that side (and by the feel of it as I am on stims now for another two days I wouldn't be surprised if more follicles rock up), my boobs have gone from being deflated a couple of weeks ago to being back to their pre-menstrual self - larger and a bit tender - so yes - I feel like I feel when I am about to ovulate. With regards to the foo'ju - I told the nurses they need to tell ladies this shizzle! Needless to say they cracked up - not everyone gets it apparently but still - I can't see the harm in forewarning ladies that they may get it?!

So exciting days ahead, in the meantime I need to keep an eye on myself, make sure I'm drinking lots of water and I need to monitor the colour of my pee. I know one person who has had OHSS as a result of IVF and she had to go into hospital and I know from her account that is excruciatingly painful. She did get two beautiful baby girls from her IVF stint (first go) though - Molly and Josie - they are gorgeous so it's worth it. Kids hey - what - us ladies go through to get them? A friend of mine and his wife are also having IVF, at Kings and their EC is on Monday, another friend I know has had just her fourth ET, another friend of mine has had several IVF journeys and is now going down the surrogacy route, a parent from my Beaver Scout group went through IVF seven times to get her lovely boy Jonnie and someone at work is currently expecting (and she has the most gorgeous bump - she is positively glowing) - her pregnancy is a result of her first IVF attempt. My point is that IVF and infertility needn't be the taboo that it is, it's more common than we think. I am convinced we will get pregnant - my friends are all popping babies out left right and centre at the moment and I'm not going to lie and say I don't find it hard as I do find it hard - very hard but this gives me hope; hope that our journey is going to be a short(ish) one by IVF standards and I am going to join my bessie mates and have a mini-me of my own.

I'm actually off to meet one of my bessie mates for brunch this morning so I need to get a move on - it's just us two this morning, her wee man (affectionately referred to as "The Dude") is hanging out with Daddy this morning whilst us girls chew the fat. Tomorrow marks 17 years to the day when I first clapped eyes on the Hubster so I may see if I can find him a little pressie to say thank you for being amazing (that means I have spent 50% of my life with my wonderful Hubster - eeek! We REALLY deserve a break and to be able to have our own family - 17 years shouldn't be sniffed at). We don't normally do stuff like that - spend lots of money on presents on anniversaries - that is NOT the key to a long-relationship: love, trust, laughter and honesty are, not excessive gift giving (but that lecture is for another time). BUT my lovely Hubster deserves a little something, even if it is a silly a present - just to say thank you don't you think?

I must dash - catch ya later :) xxx

My womb is like a tree, my head feels like a battering ram...

Day 6 of stims

Firstly massive apologies for keeping you all in the dark for the past few days - I ended on such a high note then I just disappeared! To be honest - I haven't had a good few days. A lot of people who have gone through IVF have told me that the stims phase is easier to handle than the down regulation phase but I'm not an advocate of that theory as I have felt so rough over the past few days... This blog entry has taken three days to write I've been feeling so rough - gutted as the snow arrived and I've only been able to play a little bit :(

View from Mr & Mrs C's living room - nice and pretty

Today I'm off sick, I really wanted to minimise the amount of days I had off sick due to IVF but this just couldn't be helped. I've had the mother of all headaches since I woke up on Saturday morning (that was day three of stims). It's a common side-affect of the Gonal F / FSH jabs apparently. I've tried pints of water, juice, paracetamol, ibuprofen, 4head, a bath, sleep (lots of sleep) and this headache wavers between being a mild, dull ache to being akin to receiving a wallop to the middle of the forehead; it's smack bang in the middle of my forehead and can rapidly change from being a headache to a full on migraine. So the hot flushes have stopped (woo hoo) but now I feel debilitated by a very bad head :( I decided yesterday that if I still had this headache I wouldn't be going into work as I need it to go and I'd be pretty useless at work feeling like this (even writing this blog is pushing it to be honest but I need to keep you all updated with what its really like - being a hormonal pin cushion - it's not always that good despite PMA).

Having just spoken to Kings the nurse said what I am experiencing is normal and I've just had a bad reaction, it should start easing today/tomorrow. But I've also read not to take ibuprofen as it can affect the lining of the womb so I'll stick to paracetamol - apparently I'm ok to take co-codamol so I feel a trip to the chemist coming on (via the park so I can crunch on the snow!)

Last week I managed to fall fast asleep on route to work and woke up in North London having missed Blackfriars by 25 minutes, I was very grumpy that day and snapped at a colleague and I cried with friends in the design team who fed me with biscuits and chocolate until I started giggling (natch). On that same day I managed to convince myself that the Hubster had had a car crash on his way home as it took him longer than usual to get home - queue hysterical tears as he didn't answer his phone - I was almost hyperventilating thinking I can't do this without him (obviously!) The Hubster was buying a variety of food in Sainsbury's in an attempt to get me to eat (as my loss in appetite has resulted in my losing 10 pounds - woo hoo - every cloud - don't flap - when I do eat is the healthy stuff and protein rich). Obviously the Hubster is fine and I was balling for no reason. The tears I am pleased to report have subsided (but they're still there), I just can't get rid of this headache...

So I've moved onto the second message on my IVF belief CD and I have to say - its awesome! I can't remember all of what it tells you but in essence, my womb is like a dormant tree at the end of winter, waiting for spring when it can do what it is supposed to do and blossom into life! I quite like that analogy but it's the second part of the message that I REALLY like. You have to get to the top of a very tall building - in my head I'm in a gherkin like building but its predominantly white as opposed to black and I get to the top by walking (well, gliding really as I make it to the top very quickly), then you see a large door and have to imagine what colour and texture it is. Again - this is brilliant white with tiles for the texture and there's a sign that says control room; when I open the door I'm met with loads of bright fluorescent panels with loads of buttons, dials, levers, flashing lights. This is my brain apparently - how awesome is that?!  I basically have a wee look at my brain and switch certain things on such as my ovaries - my ovaries have a bright pink neon background and a MASSIVE lever to switch it to ON; I must admit I rather enjoy pulling that lever! I also turn a neon orange dial for my womb lining to switch it from THIN to THICK - this positive visulation shizzle is cool - it's like being on the starship enterprise and I'm directing the path it has to take, and in essence that's what I'm doing - I'm telling my body to go into warp speed and to start producing lots of lady hormones that I am used to. I just wish the headaches would do one. 

Other things that I'm not loving at the moment include my tummy starting to get fed up of injections... Every time I do a jab now I'm bleeding and it hurts - ouch. I have been told I can do the jabs on my leg but I'd rather stick to my tummy and limit the discomfort to that area of my body please. Other things that are starting to get on my nerves are certain ladies saying: "ah, I know exactly how you feel." Mmmmmm, well unless you've gone through IVF then you haven't a scooby doo how I feel. So if you have a child that was conceived naturally then I'm sorry girlfriend - you don't know how I feel. Just because you are tired and your child is unable to stay asleep all night doesn't mean you know how I feel as you already have a child. I would love to get jiggy with the Hubster and discover two weeks later that I'm pregnant (which is what these ladies had to fortune to experience). Being told that I will continue to feel like shit throughout my pregnancy (fingers crossed that is the outcome; I have however met plenty of women who LOVED being pregnant and they didn't feel like poo and then had babies who slept eight hours a night from week three - not every baby and toddler has sleep issues but shall I just try and get to the baby stage first hey?) Being told that I will from this day onwards be tearful, be exhausted, have hot flushes and have headaches doesn't help thanks! 

225 units of FSH on a pre-loaded pen ...

Delivered via this needle ...

But the main thing that is REALLY getting my goat at the moment is having menopausal women think they are in competition with me re: who has the most extreme symptoms. Argh - do one will you?! Being told "ah, wait until you've got two kids, then you'll know what exhaustion is really like" or "I know how you feel Jo - I'm going through the same thing." EXCUSE ME? NO YOU'RE BLOODY NOT!!! What I find galling is women who love a good moan about how exhausted their children make them, particularly as they are just entering the menopause. Well sorry love, we don't feel the same - we are poles apart thank you very much, I'm putting myself through all of this in order to get a baby or two you insensitive twonk! My hormones are like this because my Hubster and I have been trying to make babies the traditional way for three years and failed, so I'm having to pump myself full of hormones (via daily doo-lally jabs which you really would make a song and dance over having to do if you were in my shoes), these bring on a shortened, condensed menopause over the space of 2.5 weeks. You on the other hand have been blessed with children and are just entering the menopause; I suggest you go and get some HRT, eat healthily and take supplements that help level you out, but do not compare what you are going through to what I am going through as seriously - if you really want a competition then I'm going to win, you have the family I crave so don't moan about your boisterous kids and going through the change; there's no competing when you think I'll be going through the menopause myself in about 15 years time (and I'd bet a whole Vatican Euro it's nowhere near as full on as down regulation) - so I get double the fun! It's not a competition so if you ask me how I'm feeling and I tell you please just listen, I'm more than happy to empathise with how you are feeling but don't compare your situation to mine unless you are having/have had IVF. 

These incidents of annoyance though are quite rare and you are able to keep them in check - I go back to thinking to my fluffy white cloud that deflects all stress and negative energy. If these ladies really do want to whinge then that's their decision - I no doubt will have a whinge about my children in the future but at the moment I'd just like to make a mini-me for the Hubster and I. Becoming a Mummy and Daddy is what we were made for and I seriously can't wait for that to happen so grumpiness, headaches, menopausal women and mothers of toddlers - all of these things do not deter me - it will be amazing when it happens.

So what I've been craving: snow has arrived and I've been confined to rest, this is very boring. A little play over the weekend was allowed but I'm contemplating a wee walk to the park later (if the head has cleared). In the mean time - check out some pix of the brand new Gonal F jabs. I've been jabbing myself for 22 days - today is day 23 so not much longer to go - please keep your pinkies and toes crossed that this goddamn MoFo of a headache does one asap so I can go make snow angels before all the snow melts.

Catch ya later :) xxx

One of the many boxes of Gonal F jabs currently occupying my fridge

And this is the treat you are met with - all of those needles for only four injections per pen?!

Stimulation time baby!

Day 17 of down regulation

I started writing this post at 4am mid-insomnia attack two nights back when I wasn't feeling too great. I decided to hold off publishing as I knew my first baseline scan was due and I was keeping my pinkies crossed that I might have good news to report.

Anyhow, the Hubster and I had a good giggle last night - having not eaten that much yesterday and having made several mistakes at work I decided that I needed to snap myself out of my melancholy and cook up a bit fat juicy chicken for dinner: it did the trick it - I inhaled every bit and the Hubster and I were on form.

We were talking about the forthcoming scan and what would happen next in our quest to make a mini-me, I admitted how nervous / scared / excited I am about egg collection day - admitting your fears is quite a hard thing to do - it's taken so long for us to get to this stage I'm not about to start asking any "what ifs?" I'm not even contemplating this not working, tackling that possibility is something I'm not willing or able to do right now and I don't think it's the right attitude to be honest - positivity is the only way for Mr & Mrs C. The Hubster on the other hand  was flapping about doing his forthcoming swimmer sample (not quite sure why - he's well practised in this swimmer sample shizzle) - in all honesty - we were hoping that our three months of lockdown had been worth it and that his swimmers had started swimming in the right direction and there were more of them. Compared to daily jabs that send you doo-lally, getting swimmers into a pot and delivered at Kings' Assisted Conception Unit (ACU) is not only quite an enjoyable experience in comparison to daily doo-lally jabs, but let's face it - it's something that most men should be more than capable of! The Hubster, kindly offered to "wa*k every day" if it meant it would make things better!!! Brilliant! That was nearly the title of this blog but I thought it might not get through the Google listings, but it's nice to know that the Hubster is thinking of me!

Anyhow, today was baseline scan day - OMG - how nervous were we?! We drove to Kings on a very cold morning (even I thought it was a bit chilly), it was so chilly I kept Paul's pot of swimmers under my arm pit to keep them warm! With only an hour allowed from production to delivery, keeping them warm was top priority just in case we got stuck in traffic - if they got too cold they'd start dying and we didn't want that.

We arrived bang on time and got seen at about 11am - a baseline scan - for those of you who don't know is a scan of the womb. Unlike an antenatal scan your bladder must be empty, and the scan is not conducted on your lower belly like when you're pregnant but via your foof! For my first scan this rather alarmed me, but it's nothing really - loads of forums bang on about discomfort and pain but a smear is far, far worse. A baseline scan doesn't hurt at all - you're given a sheet to protect your modesty and the nurse doesn't have a look at your foof, she's more interested in your womb. So if you are reading this and are about to have your first baseline scan please don't flap - it's nothing to worry about and is over really quickly! I don't find the scans that bad as I think its really cool to have a good old look at your womb (as did the Hubster). The scan is to check the lining of your womb and to check that your ovaries are nice and barren; basically it's to check that the daily doo-lally jabs have done what they're supposed to, and you've put yourself through hell and back for a reason - that you've shut down. Your womb lining needs to be no thicker than 5mm thick - even I knew just by looking at the scan that I'd shut down as my womb looked very different when compared to the last time I had a look. I'm very pleased to tell you that and mine is now 4mm thick at best! WOO HOO!!!

So I can move on to the stimulation phase - this is bloody brilliant news. BUT it now means I have to do  two injections a day, I have to stick with 50 units of buserelin a day and start the Gonal F jabs - both jabs at the same time every day, on alternate sides of my belly (apparently I'll start feeling better as my body stocks up on FSH so it's all good). The Gonal F jab is pre-loaded with the follicle stimulation hormone (FSH) so it should be easier to deal with - one injection of each a day for another 10 days and then things will start to moving quickly: VERY EXCITING!

And now for the final bit of good news (drum roll please)... The Hubster's swimmer results are in. There has been a MASSIVE improvement, so much so that we are now on the cusp of having either ICSI (more on that another time) or straight forward IVF, so we are now borderline ICSI/IVF - I can't tell you how impressed I am. So it just goes to show for you chaps out there who are in denial about your manhood and reckon you can drink whatever you want and smoke whatever you want: being well behaved and cutting back on all of those toxins DOES have an impact. If you and your lady are thinking it'd be nice to have a mini-me of your own in a year or two you need to start looking after your health and start tweaking your lifestyle now, and I'm not just talking about cutting back the booze and stopping the fags, I'm talking about vitamins, diet and stress - every aspect of your lifestyle can affect your fertility. Whatever you do don't take your fertility for granted as if you lose it, it can be quite an effort to get it back and before you know it you're off down to your local hospital to have fertility tests. Trust me chaps, ladies are used to getting their foofs checked out but lets face it - you men have issues chatting about your emotions let alone having to get your swimmers analysed by your local NHS trust; if you have the power to do so this should be avoided if at all possible and it's only you chaps who can change that - this is one thing us ladies have no control over. Take it from someone who knows only too well how much anguish this can cause, don't leave baby making to the very last minute thinking you'll get pregnant straight away as that's not always the case (just because so and so did and they were hardcore ravers doesn't mean the same will happen for you), and if you're a lady then I don't even need to mention the dreaded biological clock... I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that three months of exemplary behaviour has actually done something good - that on top of generally winding down over the past 18 months has proven that it can be done, you get what you put in. High-five to the Hubster!

So, I'm signing off for today - next scan is in 10 days time (25 January) and if all is on track, it'll be systems go, go, go! Until then I'm moving on to the 2nd track on my IVF belief CD, I'm keeping positive and taking the side-affects in their stride.

Catch ya later :)