My womb is like a tree, my head feels like a battering ram...

Day 6 of stims

Firstly massive apologies for keeping you all in the dark for the past few days - I ended on such a high note then I just disappeared! To be honest - I haven't had a good few days. A lot of people who have gone through IVF have told me that the stims phase is easier to handle than the down regulation phase but I'm not an advocate of that theory as I have felt so rough over the past few days... This blog entry has taken three days to write I've been feeling so rough - gutted as the snow arrived and I've only been able to play a little bit :(

View from Mr & Mrs C's living room - nice and pretty

Today I'm off sick, I really wanted to minimise the amount of days I had off sick due to IVF but this just couldn't be helped. I've had the mother of all headaches since I woke up on Saturday morning (that was day three of stims). It's a common side-affect of the Gonal F / FSH jabs apparently. I've tried pints of water, juice, paracetamol, ibuprofen, 4head, a bath, sleep (lots of sleep) and this headache wavers between being a mild, dull ache to being akin to receiving a wallop to the middle of the forehead; it's smack bang in the middle of my forehead and can rapidly change from being a headache to a full on migraine. So the hot flushes have stopped (woo hoo) but now I feel debilitated by a very bad head :( I decided yesterday that if I still had this headache I wouldn't be going into work as I need it to go and I'd be pretty useless at work feeling like this (even writing this blog is pushing it to be honest but I need to keep you all updated with what its really like - being a hormonal pin cushion - it's not always that good despite PMA).

Having just spoken to Kings the nurse said what I am experiencing is normal and I've just had a bad reaction, it should start easing today/tomorrow. But I've also read not to take ibuprofen as it can affect the lining of the womb so I'll stick to paracetamol - apparently I'm ok to take co-codamol so I feel a trip to the chemist coming on (via the park so I can crunch on the snow!)

Last week I managed to fall fast asleep on route to work and woke up in North London having missed Blackfriars by 25 minutes, I was very grumpy that day and snapped at a colleague and I cried with friends in the design team who fed me with biscuits and chocolate until I started giggling (natch). On that same day I managed to convince myself that the Hubster had had a car crash on his way home as it took him longer than usual to get home - queue hysterical tears as he didn't answer his phone - I was almost hyperventilating thinking I can't do this without him (obviously!) The Hubster was buying a variety of food in Sainsbury's in an attempt to get me to eat (as my loss in appetite has resulted in my losing 10 pounds - woo hoo - every cloud - don't flap - when I do eat is the healthy stuff and protein rich). Obviously the Hubster is fine and I was balling for no reason. The tears I am pleased to report have subsided (but they're still there), I just can't get rid of this headache...

So I've moved onto the second message on my IVF belief CD and I have to say - its awesome! I can't remember all of what it tells you but in essence, my womb is like a dormant tree at the end of winter, waiting for spring when it can do what it is supposed to do and blossom into life! I quite like that analogy but it's the second part of the message that I REALLY like. You have to get to the top of a very tall building - in my head I'm in a gherkin like building but its predominantly white as opposed to black and I get to the top by walking (well, gliding really as I make it to the top very quickly), then you see a large door and have to imagine what colour and texture it is. Again - this is brilliant white with tiles for the texture and there's a sign that says control room; when I open the door I'm met with loads of bright fluorescent panels with loads of buttons, dials, levers, flashing lights. This is my brain apparently - how awesome is that?!  I basically have a wee look at my brain and switch certain things on such as my ovaries - my ovaries have a bright pink neon background and a MASSIVE lever to switch it to ON; I must admit I rather enjoy pulling that lever! I also turn a neon orange dial for my womb lining to switch it from THIN to THICK - this positive visulation shizzle is cool - it's like being on the starship enterprise and I'm directing the path it has to take, and in essence that's what I'm doing - I'm telling my body to go into warp speed and to start producing lots of lady hormones that I am used to. I just wish the headaches would do one. 

Other things that I'm not loving at the moment include my tummy starting to get fed up of injections... Every time I do a jab now I'm bleeding and it hurts - ouch. I have been told I can do the jabs on my leg but I'd rather stick to my tummy and limit the discomfort to that area of my body please. Other things that are starting to get on my nerves are certain ladies saying: "ah, I know exactly how you feel." Mmmmmm, well unless you've gone through IVF then you haven't a scooby doo how I feel. So if you have a child that was conceived naturally then I'm sorry girlfriend - you don't know how I feel. Just because you are tired and your child is unable to stay asleep all night doesn't mean you know how I feel as you already have a child. I would love to get jiggy with the Hubster and discover two weeks later that I'm pregnant (which is what these ladies had to fortune to experience). Being told that I will continue to feel like shit throughout my pregnancy (fingers crossed that is the outcome; I have however met plenty of women who LOVED being pregnant and they didn't feel like poo and then had babies who slept eight hours a night from week three - not every baby and toddler has sleep issues but shall I just try and get to the baby stage first hey?) Being told that I will from this day onwards be tearful, be exhausted, have hot flushes and have headaches doesn't help thanks! 

225 units of FSH on a pre-loaded pen ...

Delivered via this needle ...

But the main thing that is REALLY getting my goat at the moment is having menopausal women think they are in competition with me re: who has the most extreme symptoms. Argh - do one will you?! Being told "ah, wait until you've got two kids, then you'll know what exhaustion is really like" or "I know how you feel Jo - I'm going through the same thing." EXCUSE ME? NO YOU'RE BLOODY NOT!!! What I find galling is women who love a good moan about how exhausted their children make them, particularly as they are just entering the menopause. Well sorry love, we don't feel the same - we are poles apart thank you very much, I'm putting myself through all of this in order to get a baby or two you insensitive twonk! My hormones are like this because my Hubster and I have been trying to make babies the traditional way for three years and failed, so I'm having to pump myself full of hormones (via daily doo-lally jabs which you really would make a song and dance over having to do if you were in my shoes), these bring on a shortened, condensed menopause over the space of 2.5 weeks. You on the other hand have been blessed with children and are just entering the menopause; I suggest you go and get some HRT, eat healthily and take supplements that help level you out, but do not compare what you are going through to what I am going through as seriously - if you really want a competition then I'm going to win, you have the family I crave so don't moan about your boisterous kids and going through the change; there's no competing when you think I'll be going through the menopause myself in about 15 years time (and I'd bet a whole Vatican Euro it's nowhere near as full on as down regulation) - so I get double the fun! It's not a competition so if you ask me how I'm feeling and I tell you please just listen, I'm more than happy to empathise with how you are feeling but don't compare your situation to mine unless you are having/have had IVF. 

These incidents of annoyance though are quite rare and you are able to keep them in check - I go back to thinking to my fluffy white cloud that deflects all stress and negative energy. If these ladies really do want to whinge then that's their decision - I no doubt will have a whinge about my children in the future but at the moment I'd just like to make a mini-me for the Hubster and I. Becoming a Mummy and Daddy is what we were made for and I seriously can't wait for that to happen so grumpiness, headaches, menopausal women and mothers of toddlers - all of these things do not deter me - it will be amazing when it happens.

So what I've been craving: snow has arrived and I've been confined to rest, this is very boring. A little play over the weekend was allowed but I'm contemplating a wee walk to the park later (if the head has cleared). In the mean time - check out some pix of the brand new Gonal F jabs. I've been jabbing myself for 22 days - today is day 23 so not much longer to go - please keep your pinkies and toes crossed that this goddamn MoFo of a headache does one asap so I can go make snow angels before all the snow melts.

Catch ya later :) xxx

One of the many boxes of Gonal F jabs currently occupying my fridge

And this is the treat you are met with - all of those needles for only four injections per pen?!