It's 29 October 2015. Four days ago I had a massive gush of blood, I was six weeks pregnant. I would be seeing my consultant for a scan the following day. The day when we hold our breaths and hope to see a heartbeat. I knew deep down it was all over but I still had hope. The bleeding stopped as quickly as it started and Dr. Google told me that there was a strong possibility that the bleed could just be a clot and all would be ok. But I knew.
The 30 October 2015, when I was told we had a missed miscarriage and our fourth round of IVF hadn't worked started a chain of events I wasn't expecting.
Soon afterwards I lost my job. I became depressed. I reluctantly had a frozen cycle the following New Year which also resulted in a (strong) pregnancy but also resulted in another miscarriage (although this was far more dramatic and violent and heartbreaking - we had seen a heartbeat the week beforehand and I naively thought 'this was it.')
Since then I have lost the plot, regrouped and got myself a fantastic job that I love. It's funny how things turn out, isn't it? I have made a fantastic new 'barren friend' Katy. We were brought together through sad circumstance, introduced by my best friend, meeting for the first time on a 'blind date' at the Southbank in Spring. She's been through the toughest journeys and I was able to help her through it. Without my new barren friend Katy, I'm not sure how I would've gotten through this year. So from the pain of infertility and the dashed dreams of having a baby of our own, I have made a life-long, solid friendship and I feel blessed. I'm happy-ish, things seem to be on the up. My marriage to my amazing Hubster is the strongest it has ever been. I'm the fittest and healthiest I have ever been. There are lots of positives but we still don't have a baby. I'm hoping our luck changes.
As we approach National Fertility Awareness week 2016 (#NFAW16) I felt compelled to pick my blog back up. To take a deep breath and start sharing this journey with you all again. 2016 has been a pretty crap year in the Courtney fertility stakes. Our strength has been tested and I have been overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed by life. Overwhelmed by people telling me how brave I am (I'm not brave - trust me. I'm just trying to become a Mother and that urge is strong. Not that I'm not already a Mother. My babies are Angel Babies who I never got to meet in person). I've also been overwhelmed by the love and support of friends and family as we have been forced to navigate through what can only be described as a living hell of grief. When life blurs by and you somehow, miraculously 'carry on.'
I have been most overwhelmed by the brave, honest accounts given by my fellow infertilies in the Fertility Network's #HiddenFaces campaign. My amazing Hubster and I recorded our account of what the journey has been like these eight years of trying to become parents. It was hard but something we both felt like we had to do and we're both glad we did it. You see, there's nothing to be ashamed of and if we want to get people talking about what it's really like then someone has to make the first move and start talking, so we stepped up to the plate.
Show your support for these brave people. They have been on a super hard journey that makes you question everything. I'll share our video when it goes live next week but for now, I'm thinking of my first Angel Baby and what might've been.
Much love, hugs, compassion and strength to everyone who is struggling to start a family of their own, and to those who have had to carve a new life out for themselves after experiencing infertility. We are not alone and our faces are no longer hidden.
#HiddenFaces #NFAW16
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Saturday, 29 October 2016
Tuesday, 1 April 2014
Last day of jabs - woo hoo
Day twelve of stimulation, day seven of cetrotide and trigger shot (ovitrelle) day!
This is going to be a rather short and sweet post.
Despite it being less than month since our first consultation at The Lister we are now galloping towards the IVF finish line. It's felt intense, the jabs have hurt more this time round (yes they bruise and I normally bleed after each and every one, my belly also goes bright red and itchy immediately afterwards). Despite a lower dose I have been responding well but I am very glad to not have to jab myself for a good while after today - fingers crossed. Today is the first working day since last week that I haven't be required at hospital, it feels strange. I had roughly 14 follicles that looked ripe for harvesting at my scan yesterday, my hormone levels have been balancing out, I'm learning to relax and I'm trying not to fret about not being at work.
I'm nil by mouth from midnight tomorrow, in at 7am Thursday morning in preparation for egg collection by general anaesthetic later that morning - I'm first on the list. This is the main difference between being treated privately compared to the NHS. At my previous egg collection I was heavily sedated so have vague recollections of what went on and my Hubster was in the room with me. They 'woke me up' and two nurses then walked/carried me to a bed in the treatment waiting ward. I was then shuffled out the moment I was 'compus-mentus' and sent home; at The Lister I'm knocked out via general, I won't be aware of the 'bum torpedo' (this is a term I picked up from a fellow IVFer for the diclofenac suppository they give you rectally before surgery to relax your womb - it's not a pleasant experience I can tell you, I'll let your imaginations work out why), and my Hubster won't be in theatre with me. I'll have my own room and can leave when I am discharged which should be roughly four hours after I've been in theatre - so when I'm ready to go home, not when they need me to go home. There are other differences with this treatment cycle compared to my first fresh cycle: I have been monitored very closely, I've had a lot of blood taken to monitor my hormone levels - this didn't happen at the Kings ACU and I think if had been monitored as closely as I am now I wouldn't have gotten so poorly last time round.
We're provisionally booked in for embryo transfer this Sunday (6 April) but I'm pretty confident that we'll go to Tuesday (8 April) for a blastocyst transfer. We've paid for a more advanced version of ICSI called IMSI - this stands for intra cytoplasmic morphologically-selected sperm injection. The main difference is that the swimmers will be selected by an extremely strong microscope (x600 times stronger than the one used for standard ICSI) and then injected into my eggs, this should give us the best chance possible of making fabulous mini-mes - together with the endometrium scratch I had a couple of weeks ago should encourage implantation.
So for the interim I'm at home, relaxing trying to put all the nonsense of the past few weeks that could have very easily interfered with our treatment to the back of my mind. I'm focusing my energy on making protein rich, healthy eggs and trying not to focus on the negative - I am repelling stress as there's only one thing that we need to focus on. I have acupuncture at 4pm so I'm certain I will remain zen like in preparation for egg collection and for the transfer of our mini-me(s).
I'll be back in a few days with a round up with how egg collection went - exciting times!
Laters x
This is going to be a rather short and sweet post.
Despite it being less than month since our first consultation at The Lister we are now galloping towards the IVF finish line. It's felt intense, the jabs have hurt more this time round (yes they bruise and I normally bleed after each and every one, my belly also goes bright red and itchy immediately afterwards). Despite a lower dose I have been responding well but I am very glad to not have to jab myself for a good while after today - fingers crossed. Today is the first working day since last week that I haven't be required at hospital, it feels strange. I had roughly 14 follicles that looked ripe for harvesting at my scan yesterday, my hormone levels have been balancing out, I'm learning to relax and I'm trying not to fret about not being at work.
I'm nil by mouth from midnight tomorrow, in at 7am Thursday morning in preparation for egg collection by general anaesthetic later that morning - I'm first on the list. This is the main difference between being treated privately compared to the NHS. At my previous egg collection I was heavily sedated so have vague recollections of what went on and my Hubster was in the room with me. They 'woke me up' and two nurses then walked/carried me to a bed in the treatment waiting ward. I was then shuffled out the moment I was 'compus-mentus' and sent home; at The Lister I'm knocked out via general, I won't be aware of the 'bum torpedo' (this is a term I picked up from a fellow IVFer for the diclofenac suppository they give you rectally before surgery to relax your womb - it's not a pleasant experience I can tell you, I'll let your imaginations work out why), and my Hubster won't be in theatre with me. I'll have my own room and can leave when I am discharged which should be roughly four hours after I've been in theatre - so when I'm ready to go home, not when they need me to go home. There are other differences with this treatment cycle compared to my first fresh cycle: I have been monitored very closely, I've had a lot of blood taken to monitor my hormone levels - this didn't happen at the Kings ACU and I think if had been monitored as closely as I am now I wouldn't have gotten so poorly last time round.
We're provisionally booked in for embryo transfer this Sunday (6 April) but I'm pretty confident that we'll go to Tuesday (8 April) for a blastocyst transfer. We've paid for a more advanced version of ICSI called IMSI - this stands for intra cytoplasmic morphologically-selected sperm injection. The main difference is that the swimmers will be selected by an extremely strong microscope (x600 times stronger than the one used for standard ICSI) and then injected into my eggs, this should give us the best chance possible of making fabulous mini-mes - together with the endometrium scratch I had a couple of weeks ago should encourage implantation.
So for the interim I'm at home, relaxing trying to put all the nonsense of the past few weeks that could have very easily interfered with our treatment to the back of my mind. I'm focusing my energy on making protein rich, healthy eggs and trying not to focus on the negative - I am repelling stress as there's only one thing that we need to focus on. I have acupuncture at 4pm so I'm certain I will remain zen like in preparation for egg collection and for the transfer of our mini-me(s).
I'll be back in a few days with a round up with how egg collection went - exciting times!
Laters x
Saturday, 29 March 2014
To get IVF ready you must look after your mind, body and soul
Day 12 of stimulation, day four of cetrotide...
"People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivity and let that fuel propel you into positive action.” Steve Maraboli
Today I can't stop crying. I have sobbed my heart out this morning and I know for certain there's much more to come. Gonal F, the synthetic version of the follicle stimulating hormone is raging round my body. I am bloated, I can ping my left and right ovaries about and I am the antithesis of the hormonally balanced woman. It makes me want to shout:
WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET PREGNANT THE NORMAL WAY?
But this is our path and we must follow it faithfully. There's no point moaning or fussing about the injections as it is what it is. Good will come out of all of this effort and money saved and spent. It has to. The past 10 days or so have caught up on me and even without the synthetic hormones I think I would be forgiven for cracking up (just a little bit).
You see, we've been getting it from all angles recently - I'm not sure why the universe is throwing some seriously unwanted karma in our direction but it is. I'm trying to put a positive spin on it all and that ultimately, the revelations of the past week have freed us from a cycle of pervasive negativity - that what has happened is a good thing. But the hormones are scuppering up my rational thought processes and making me feel really low today. There's been way too much drama and I've had enough, my wonderful Hubster and I really don't need any of this nonsense right now, really we don't.
Going by the title of this blog I think you can guess that I've been focusing on things that I do have control of - my mind, body and soul. I started off with the above quote as this is exactly what I am doing. No more will I be made to feel inferior due to someone else's negativity. We often rely on our family to be a support and just 'be there.' We can sometimes put our trust and confidence in someone when we know deep down that we are being a little naive, as we have been burnt previously. Our desire for things to be different, for them to be 'right' and our belief that everyone is nice deep down, that any negativity and hate that we may have been on the receiving end over the years has dissipated. Our desire for things to be different can cloud our judgement. I forgave in the belief that I wouldn't be hurt again, but I was and so was my Hubster. I feel guilty for letting my Hubster get hurt, that it's my fault and I'm angry at myself for letting it happen. I believe in forgiveness and I forgave this person and slowly let them back in; I started to trust them again and so did my wonderful Hubster. I have forgiven a lot of people for wrongs they have done to me over the years. Wrongs that happened to me from people I trusted. It's hard to forgive, really hard. To get to the point of forgiveness you have to be brave enough to face how these wrongs make you feel: angry, hurt, upset, mad, questioning, the list could go on. And then you have to deal with these emotions and put them to bed, throw them away, discard them. If you don't do that then you start to hate the world and I don't want to hate. Hate is a very powerful word that has powerful consequences. Unleash your hate on the world and the people around you and one thing you can be sure of, you will end up alone with your hate, hating more and more. I don't want to ever be like that so I am trying to muster the power of forgiveness once again but I need to go through the motions first - I'm not quite ready to forgive.
What I've learnt over the years is that the people that harm you are the ones who are not brave enough to deal with their issues and they take their negativity and warped view of the world out on you. They are all about the 'me, me, me' they believe the world owes them something and they are constantly angry, looking for bad in everything. I pity people like this. They are their own tormentors. You can try and help these people but be wary, their negativity is infectious. There comes a point when enough is enough and when they unilaterally reject your love, compassion and are just plain nasty it's time to turn your back on them and let them find their own path as these type of people can't be helped.
Well no more. From now on I am taking myself out of that negative world as it's dragging me down. I am naturally a positive person who has a lot of love to give, I don't have a negative view of the world, life is what you make it and I am making my life happy as I just don't want to be miserable. We have one life so let's just live it.
Bye-bye negativity. This picture says it all and I am proud to say that I listen to my heart and not my ego.
Some people may call me a fool. But my heart was unequivicoly broken last weekend, both my Hubster and I have been reeling from the hurt caused. So we have turned our back on a situation and have been licking our wounds and cementing our relationship further. I have all the important members of my family loving and supporting us and if anything, the drama over the weekend has made my relationship with someone who is so very dear to me so much stronger. I rely on him, he is my rock when really it should be me looking out for him - let's just say we look out for each other. Right now I'm leaning on him to help me make sense of what happened last weekend, and to help me get through this IVF cycle as on top of everything else - it's suddenly gotten a little intense and for someone who is almost 13 years my junior he really his totes amaze balls. He is caring, intelligent, philosophical, charming, handsome, lovely, funny; the world is a happier, smilier place with him in it and when I needed him - he was there. Thank you. I know he'll be reading this and I hope he knows that I'm talking about him and I hope my words haven't upset him as he is the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt. My job is to be his protector, to look out for him and to fight his corner, he's been doing that for me recently but I will step up soon - I promise. I love you! I can't really expand any further (and I don't want to) as there's only so much of my dirty laundry I can wash in public. I really do not want to focus my energy any longer on what happened as my body is telling me that it needs me right now.
Yep - my body sure does need me right now.
I've had numerous scans and blood tests this week. I had an inkling that I was responding well to the Gonal F as I have been feeling hot, have had headaches and yes I've had insomnia (although due to exhaustion caused by full-on drama I have been able to sleep - much thanks goes to my trusty IVF Believe CD for getting me off to sleep every night this week), and the bloat has started (I couldn't do my trousers up the end of yesterday - luckily they stayed up and the top I was wearing allowed me to undo the top button - thank the lord for small mercies).
What was due to take 12 days has taken five; as of Wednesday it looked like I was ripe for egg collection a mere five days after starting the stimms. Hoorah you may think - this is a good thing? But no, it isn't really - it means my body isn't in synch and I'm not ready to have my eggs harvested just yet thank you very much.
Despite all of the drama I have been keeping very calm (today is the first day when I feel like its gotten on top of me but that really is down to the hormones taking over my rational judgement). Thankfully my hormone levels have been quite level (in IVF terms). There was a possibility that I was going to have to go in today for another scan and blood test with a view to having egg collection on Monday but I have been granted a little time to continue brewing my eggs. I am however back in for a scan and another blood test on Monday, I have a feeling I should be near enough ready then. As of yesterday I had 14 large follicles that could be seen on the scan but I can guarantee there will be more than that when it comes to egg collection time.
Next you'll see the liquid and powder mixed in the vial - when all the powder has dissolved and there are no air bubbles you can draw the liquid back up into the syringe. It took me a while to nail this - it can be quite tricky.
You then need to change the needle ready for injecting. The needle below is a lot smaller than the one used to mix the powder and liquid but I promise you - it's a large needle that I really dislike having to jab myself with. My belly has become quite sensitive now, every injection makes me bleed and bruise (I don 't like jabbing my thigh). No part of IVF is fun, that's why it's important to try and keep a lid on simmering anxiety and to remain focused on the here and now. Just get the jabs done quickly, safely and with minimum amount of fuss. The energy you use getting in a tizz is wasted energy, stay calm and the whole process will be easier. In fact staying cool and calm should be the way forward full stop, particularly during IVF. Focus your energy where it's needed - right now my energy needs to be focused on producing lots of nice eggs and for my womb lining to be thickening nicely.
So, I must look after my body as well as my mind and soul - this means I must eat lots of protein and put good stuff into my body. Luckily I've been making spirulina and maca smoothies for the Hubster and I every morning since June 2013. They're not exactly yummy but we've learnt to like them and they make us feel amazing.
Here's my recipe for two pints of the green stuff:
Two bananas
One apple
One pear
Three handfuls of frozen blueberries
One handful of spinach
One tablespoon of powdered maca
One tablespoon of powdered spirulina
Four tablespoons of low fat yogurt
Water
Put all of the above ingredients (chop the fruit) in a blender, fill the blender up with water so it's at the top of the ingredients, then whizz on full power for about a minute. You will have a jug full of dark green goodness. Pour and drink. Word of warning - don't gulp it otherwise you will gag.
Since starting the morning with a 'pint of green' every day I can tell you that both our energy levels are up, our skin is clear and we look seriously healthy - this pint of green goodness lasts us until lunch time and we feel great because of it. Even when we do get pregnant I'm keeping it up as I can feel the tangible benefits. Spirulina is a blue-green algae that is 65% protein and is full of immune boosting amino acids - it is THE WONDER FOOD and I don't know why more people aren't on to it?! It is also an appetite suppressant and has been touted as the world's answer to hunger as it grows naturally across the world. If you are looking to lose a few pounds you'd be wise to incorporate spirulina into your diet. Maca has been used in Peru for thousands of years, it levels hormones in ladies and increases testosterone production in men and can increase libido (very important when you're trying to get pregnant!) Blueberries are antioxidants that aid concentration, bananas are full of potassium and release slow energy, apples and pears are full of vitamins C and K as well as copper, fiber, potassium, and flavonoids and spinach is full of folic acid (folic acid is good for men who are trying to get fertile fit as well as women).
So there we go. My mind has been wobbly but is in good shape, my soul has been struggling to make sense of recent events but I am confident that all is well and it is OK and understandable to feel how we have been feeling, and my body is 'enthusiastically' responding to treatment. I'm putting good stuff into it, I'm relaxing and trying to keep my cortisol levels to a minimum and I am surrounded by love and positivity. I've rejected negativity - the world is a good place.
Laters xxx
"People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivity and let that fuel propel you into positive action.” Steve Maraboli
Today I can't stop crying. I have sobbed my heart out this morning and I know for certain there's much more to come. Gonal F, the synthetic version of the follicle stimulating hormone is raging round my body. I am bloated, I can ping my left and right ovaries about and I am the antithesis of the hormonally balanced woman. It makes me want to shout:
WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET PREGNANT THE NORMAL WAY?
But this is our path and we must follow it faithfully. There's no point moaning or fussing about the injections as it is what it is. Good will come out of all of this effort and money saved and spent. It has to. The past 10 days or so have caught up on me and even without the synthetic hormones I think I would be forgiven for cracking up (just a little bit).
You see, we've been getting it from all angles recently - I'm not sure why the universe is throwing some seriously unwanted karma in our direction but it is. I'm trying to put a positive spin on it all and that ultimately, the revelations of the past week have freed us from a cycle of pervasive negativity - that what has happened is a good thing. But the hormones are scuppering up my rational thought processes and making me feel really low today. There's been way too much drama and I've had enough, my wonderful Hubster and I really don't need any of this nonsense right now, really we don't.
Going by the title of this blog I think you can guess that I've been focusing on things that I do have control of - my mind, body and soul. I started off with the above quote as this is exactly what I am doing. No more will I be made to feel inferior due to someone else's negativity. We often rely on our family to be a support and just 'be there.' We can sometimes put our trust and confidence in someone when we know deep down that we are being a little naive, as we have been burnt previously. Our desire for things to be different, for them to be 'right' and our belief that everyone is nice deep down, that any negativity and hate that we may have been on the receiving end over the years has dissipated. Our desire for things to be different can cloud our judgement. I forgave in the belief that I wouldn't be hurt again, but I was and so was my Hubster. I feel guilty for letting my Hubster get hurt, that it's my fault and I'm angry at myself for letting it happen. I believe in forgiveness and I forgave this person and slowly let them back in; I started to trust them again and so did my wonderful Hubster. I have forgiven a lot of people for wrongs they have done to me over the years. Wrongs that happened to me from people I trusted. It's hard to forgive, really hard. To get to the point of forgiveness you have to be brave enough to face how these wrongs make you feel: angry, hurt, upset, mad, questioning, the list could go on. And then you have to deal with these emotions and put them to bed, throw them away, discard them. If you don't do that then you start to hate the world and I don't want to hate. Hate is a very powerful word that has powerful consequences. Unleash your hate on the world and the people around you and one thing you can be sure of, you will end up alone with your hate, hating more and more. I don't want to ever be like that so I am trying to muster the power of forgiveness once again but I need to go through the motions first - I'm not quite ready to forgive.
What I've learnt over the years is that the people that harm you are the ones who are not brave enough to deal with their issues and they take their negativity and warped view of the world out on you. They are all about the 'me, me, me' they believe the world owes them something and they are constantly angry, looking for bad in everything. I pity people like this. They are their own tormentors. You can try and help these people but be wary, their negativity is infectious. There comes a point when enough is enough and when they unilaterally reject your love, compassion and are just plain nasty it's time to turn your back on them and let them find their own path as these type of people can't be helped.
Well no more. From now on I am taking myself out of that negative world as it's dragging me down. I am naturally a positive person who has a lot of love to give, I don't have a negative view of the world, life is what you make it and I am making my life happy as I just don't want to be miserable. We have one life so let's just live it.
Bye-bye negativity. This picture says it all and I am proud to say that I listen to my heart and not my ego.
Some people may call me a fool. But my heart was unequivicoly broken last weekend, both my Hubster and I have been reeling from the hurt caused. So we have turned our back on a situation and have been licking our wounds and cementing our relationship further. I have all the important members of my family loving and supporting us and if anything, the drama over the weekend has made my relationship with someone who is so very dear to me so much stronger. I rely on him, he is my rock when really it should be me looking out for him - let's just say we look out for each other. Right now I'm leaning on him to help me make sense of what happened last weekend, and to help me get through this IVF cycle as on top of everything else - it's suddenly gotten a little intense and for someone who is almost 13 years my junior he really his totes amaze balls. He is caring, intelligent, philosophical, charming, handsome, lovely, funny; the world is a happier, smilier place with him in it and when I needed him - he was there. Thank you. I know he'll be reading this and I hope he knows that I'm talking about him and I hope my words haven't upset him as he is the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt. My job is to be his protector, to look out for him and to fight his corner, he's been doing that for me recently but I will step up soon - I promise. I love you! I can't really expand any further (and I don't want to) as there's only so much of my dirty laundry I can wash in public. I really do not want to focus my energy any longer on what happened as my body is telling me that it needs me right now.
Yep - my body sure does need me right now.
I've had numerous scans and blood tests this week. I had an inkling that I was responding well to the Gonal F as I have been feeling hot, have had headaches and yes I've had insomnia (although due to exhaustion caused by full-on drama I have been able to sleep - much thanks goes to my trusty IVF Believe CD for getting me off to sleep every night this week), and the bloat has started (I couldn't do my trousers up the end of yesterday - luckily they stayed up and the top I was wearing allowed me to undo the top button - thank the lord for small mercies).
What was due to take 12 days has taken five; as of Wednesday it looked like I was ripe for egg collection a mere five days after starting the stimms. Hoorah you may think - this is a good thing? But no, it isn't really - it means my body isn't in synch and I'm not ready to have my eggs harvested just yet thank you very much.
Despite all of the drama I have been keeping very calm (today is the first day when I feel like its gotten on top of me but that really is down to the hormones taking over my rational judgement). Thankfully my hormone levels have been quite level (in IVF terms). There was a possibility that I was going to have to go in today for another scan and blood test with a view to having egg collection on Monday but I have been granted a little time to continue brewing my eggs. I am however back in for a scan and another blood test on Monday, I have a feeling I should be near enough ready then. As of yesterday I had 14 large follicles that could be seen on the scan but I can guarantee there will be more than that when it comes to egg collection time.
I thought I'd show you some photos of how I go about injecting Cetrotide - it's a wee bit fiddly but I'm starting to get the hang of it:
Below you can see the syringe with the giant needle on it and a vial of powder. The liquid from the syringe needs to be squirted into the vial and mixed with the powder.
Next you'll see the liquid and powder mixed in the vial - when all the powder has dissolved and there are no air bubbles you can draw the liquid back up into the syringe. It took me a while to nail this - it can be quite tricky.
You then need to change the needle ready for injecting. The needle below is a lot smaller than the one used to mix the powder and liquid but I promise you - it's a large needle that I really dislike having to jab myself with. My belly has become quite sensitive now, every injection makes me bleed and bruise (I don 't like jabbing my thigh). No part of IVF is fun, that's why it's important to try and keep a lid on simmering anxiety and to remain focused on the here and now. Just get the jabs done quickly, safely and with minimum amount of fuss. The energy you use getting in a tizz is wasted energy, stay calm and the whole process will be easier. In fact staying cool and calm should be the way forward full stop, particularly during IVF. Focus your energy where it's needed - right now my energy needs to be focused on producing lots of nice eggs and for my womb lining to be thickening nicely.
Yikes. It's all happened a little quickly and I've been feeling very much overwhelmed by the situation. We've had so much stress to deal with that the nurses told me to stay super chilled, give myself some TLC and if I can get signed off work for the duration of my treatment then do it. When I had a scan on Wednesday and saw my super large follicles I knew there and then that something had to give - there's only so much pressure I can take so I took the nurses (and my consultant's) advice. I went back to work, tidied a few things up and then put my out of office on. I am blessed to work in such a supportive environment, my workload has been crazy recently but I am under doctor's orders not to stress and to take it easy so I'm being signed off sick. My body's over reaction to the drugs, despite the much smaller dose of Gonal F is reminding me of my previous fresh cycle when I got OHSS and I need to do what the professionals tell me, we all know the link to stress and fluctuating hormone levels so I am 100% convinced that the drama of last weekend has affected things and I can't let that ruin my chances of becoming a mother. Take it easy, keep stress levels to a minimum and focus on making my body ready for what I hope will be pregnancy.
So, I must look after my body as well as my mind and soul - this means I must eat lots of protein and put good stuff into my body. Luckily I've been making spirulina and maca smoothies for the Hubster and I every morning since June 2013. They're not exactly yummy but we've learnt to like them and they make us feel amazing.
Here's my recipe for two pints of the green stuff:
Two bananas
One apple
One pear
Three handfuls of frozen blueberries
One handful of spinach
One tablespoon of powdered maca
One tablespoon of powdered spirulina
Four tablespoons of low fat yogurt
Water
Put all of the above ingredients (chop the fruit) in a blender, fill the blender up with water so it's at the top of the ingredients, then whizz on full power for about a minute. You will have a jug full of dark green goodness. Pour and drink. Word of warning - don't gulp it otherwise you will gag.
Since starting the morning with a 'pint of green' every day I can tell you that both our energy levels are up, our skin is clear and we look seriously healthy - this pint of green goodness lasts us until lunch time and we feel great because of it. Even when we do get pregnant I'm keeping it up as I can feel the tangible benefits. Spirulina is a blue-green algae that is 65% protein and is full of immune boosting amino acids - it is THE WONDER FOOD and I don't know why more people aren't on to it?! It is also an appetite suppressant and has been touted as the world's answer to hunger as it grows naturally across the world. If you are looking to lose a few pounds you'd be wise to incorporate spirulina into your diet. Maca has been used in Peru for thousands of years, it levels hormones in ladies and increases testosterone production in men and can increase libido (very important when you're trying to get pregnant!) Blueberries are antioxidants that aid concentration, bananas are full of potassium and release slow energy, apples and pears are full of vitamins C and K as well as copper, fiber, potassium, and flavonoids and spinach is full of folic acid (folic acid is good for men who are trying to get fertile fit as well as women).
So there we go. My mind has been wobbly but is in good shape, my soul has been struggling to make sense of recent events but I am confident that all is well and it is OK and understandable to feel how we have been feeling, and my body is 'enthusiastically' responding to treatment. I'm putting good stuff into it, I'm relaxing and trying to keep my cortisol levels to a minimum and I am surrounded by love and positivity. I've rejected negativity - the world is a good place.
Laters xxx
Saturday, 22 March 2014
If you've got an itch... Scratch it
Day one of stimulation (yes - day one!)
There are two intros to this blog entry -
below is the one I started writing at 5:22am on Saturday 22 March 2014
I'd forgotten what it feels like: insomnia. And
I'm feeling really hot, not sexy hot, more like I am going to combust hot.
Could this really be a side affect of the Gonal F this early on in my cycle? You see we started
again last night (well this week to be precise - it started with an endometrium
scratch on Monday - start reading from the intro I wrote on Thursday
evening for more on that). Work seems to have taken over my life recently so I haven't had a
chance to blog and let you kids know what's been going on. Trust me, a serious
amount of shizzle has been going on over the past few weeks (too much for this
blog) and suddenly I find myself on the stimms, feeling like I've fast-tracked
my way right up to the business end of proceedings of our much anticipated next
round of IVF. So let me tell you what's been happening this week and how on
earth we are only two weeks from egg collection.
Intro two - written on Thursday 20 March
2014 - I shall pick up now from where I left off!
Did the title of today's blog entry make you
think eh? Thought so. I only ever tend to scratch an itch, but this is a fertility related
blog so that must mean that having a scratch must be some form of newfangled treatment that can
help a woman like me get pregnant. So when my lovely (and rather dashing)
consultant James Nicopoullos from the Lister Fertility Clinic
said that an endometrium scratch could be the answer to our implantation
problems I enthusiastically had one done.
Here's a word of warning ladies: IT BLOODY
HURTS... A LOT.
Don't be naive like I was and think it won't hurt. When it comes to any fertility related procedure that involves your cervix
and a catheter there is going to be some degree of discomfort. That's not even
taking into consideration a speculum and a clamp on your cervix. If you are
told there may be some 'mild cramping' you know it's gonna hurt. I take
ibuprofen for period pain so I really should have been better prepared and dosed up on some before I went in. Period
pain sucks, and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, I felt every little
scratch of that catheter in my womb - ouch. I was told that I was very brave as I
didn't flinch once - a little tear did escape however. I then had some serious
cramps for the rest of that day and generally felt crap. Boo.
Endometrium scratches are generally carried out on day 21 of a 28 day cycle, or roughly half way through your luteal phase. I have a 32 day cycle so I had my scratch on day 27 (8 days post ovulation), meaning I would have been due to start stimms next Tuesday. However, I got my period four days early - that's only two days post-scratch so I had a mild panic, called the Lister and they booked me in for a scan and injection training. I did my first jab at 10:45pm last night - so we've started.
YIKES!
I'm on a completely different cycle to my
previous fresh cycle, not only is it a lot shorter but it's tailored to me with a lot closer monitoring by scans and blood tests - yes this costs more but this is reassuring. I'm on an antagonist protocol which means no down
regulation. YAY! I'm on a much lower dose of the follicle simulating drug Gonal F than before, this should stop me getting
OHSS which is fab as I never, ever want to feel that bad ever again. You see,
when we went for our consultation on 3 March with James my AMH results came
back 'through the roof.' The average for a woman my age is 15, mine was 43 which is amazing (I'm very chuffed). I also had a follicle count of 28 (and that's without any
drugs), this all adds up to mean I have a decent ovarian reserve so this is all very good news.
The antagonist protocol involves another drug called cetrotide, this prevents the luteinizing hormonal surge from causing ovulation. I have never used cetrotide before but it involves mixing a pre-filled syringe with a vial of powder and then injecting that along with the Gonal F from day six of your cycle. I'm back at the Lister next Wednesday for another scan and blood test to check oestrogen, progesterone and my LH levels and then the nurses should give me the green light to start cetrotide that night. All of this means that in roughly two
weeks time we should be having egg collection, and within three weeks I
should hopefully have one or two mini-me's nestling into my womb. The endometrium scratch should ensure that I have
a nice thick womb lining and the environment created as a result of the increase in white blood cells will hopefully mean my mini-me(s) will want to bed in. I don't really understand how it works but evidence suggests that it does improve pregnancy rates in IVF patients.
So it's been a full on week. My amazing Hubster
and I have had to pull together and work as a team to try and resolve a rather
delicate situation not concerning our fertility treatment, and I said goodbye
to my Bessie her lovely Hubster and Little Buddha. Yesterday was an emotional,
full on day so maybe that's why I'm in the living room writing my blog at
6:33am on a Saturday morning? I'm not sure. I had a very cathartic cry last
night but I'm in a very good place - crying is good - it's a massive stress reliever
so do not worry about me. Before we started on our journey again I wanted my Hubster and I to be strong and calm and ready. We are all of that and I am so proud of us - the progress we have made is to be commended, IVF splits many couples up but if anything, the past 18 months have made us stronger. I am so going to
miss my Bessie and Little Buddha but they are off on an amazing adventure
travelling around Europe in their beautiful brand new VW campervan
(affectionately named Terrance). And they're not far, Skype and Whatsapp mean
they are a moment away, but I'm still going to miss them so that's why
we're going to meet them somewhere hot in Europe for a holiday when we are done with our treatment cycle. So it
really isn't that bad, I just hate goodbyes and yesterday was an action packed day.
It is time to concentrate on the next four weeks,
nothing else matters, even my crazy ridiculous workload is going to have to
take a back seat. Because it's time for us to make some mini-mes again and this is our top priority, we've saved hard for this and I don't want to have any regrets. I will most certainly keep you guys updated
on our journey, but for now I can feel my eyelids drooping (finally) so I'm going to try
and go back to sleep - let's hope this insomnia is a one off.
Na night x
Thursday, 6 February 2014
La La Land...
I wish I was rubbish with dates.
This time last year I was one day post embryo transfer and convinced my mini-me was going to stick - on the same day in 2014 one of girlfriends has given birth to a beautiful baby girl and I'm ok with that. In fact I'm really happy. That's the difference a year makes, I've learnt how to focus on the here and now after spending a lot of money on counselling, acupuncture and holidays!
This time last year I was one day post embryo transfer and convinced my mini-me was going to stick - on the same day in 2014 one of girlfriends has given birth to a beautiful baby girl and I'm ok with that. In fact I'm really happy. That's the difference a year makes, I've learnt how to focus on the here and now after spending a lot of money on counselling, acupuncture and holidays!
Sometimes I wish I could jump into La La land and forget the past year. I have been up and down this week, repeating silently in my head: 'I just need to get passed 12 February and I'll be fine.' I started off really low - I heard on Sunday that someone I know had a failed cycle and it made me cry really hard. Hearing about that just as I'm gearing myself up to deal with our anniversary of a failed cycle was tough - those emotions came flooding back - the heavy sick feeling and heartache. But the infertile learns to live with this. I know so many people dealing with infertility that you just have to 'man-up' and get on with it. In some warped way I wouldn't change a thing of the past 12 months; I much prefer the 2014 Jojo than the Jojo of 2012/2013.
Forwards we go. We've been saving like lunatics to make it happen. A lot of people begrudge paying for IVF. My Dad nearly had a coronary when I told him we'll need about £8k in total for this round of treatment - but what cost do you put on the creation of life? And not just any life but my very own mini-me? We were lucky to get treatment on the NHS but now it is our turn to invest and we are going to pay for the best treatment there is available to us.
- I'm calm - really calm.
- I'm positive about the future as I know that both my Hubster and I are the healthiest we've ever been.
- I'm a massive fan of green smoothies (more about that in my next blog).
- I'm focused - I know what I want and I'm going to do everything in my power to get it.
- I don't accept nonsense anymore - if you wanna see me, come see me. If you wanna talk, call me, engage with me, interact with me but please don't keep thinking this one-sided relationship is going to continue. You need to make an effort but I'm not going to be the one to make the first move all the time. It means I'm starting to lose contact with people, people I love but that's the way it is. If friends and family are reading this and you're thinking 'poop, she's talking about me' then you're probably right! I'm not cross with you, I miss you but I want you to make an effort for me, I'm focused on my little unit - this is where my energy is. I don't have the cash to spend on train tickets to visit - sorry about that. I would love you to call me or even send me a text :)
- And I'm excited as (gulp) - we're starting all over again - this is why I only have time for my immediate environment. I want to go to Ireland to visit family and see my Grandma but I can't afford it - I hope you understand Grandma? I want more than anything to see you, really I do so you make sure you hang around so when we do have the cash we can come and visit. One day I hope to put a great grandchild in your arms.
Forwards we go. We've been saving like lunatics to make it happen. A lot of people begrudge paying for IVF. My Dad nearly had a coronary when I told him we'll need about £8k in total for this round of treatment - but what cost do you put on the creation of life? And not just any life but my very own mini-me? We were lucky to get treatment on the NHS but now it is our turn to invest and we are going to pay for the best treatment there is available to us.
Sometimes I amaze myself at my resilience (most people will say I'm just stubborn). A couple of weeks ago I overcame a massive mental hurdle: I attended not one but two babyshowers in as many weeks - now that is what I call a challenge for the average infertile. What I have discovered is that my issue with babyshowers was all in my head, they're not THAT bad if you have the right friends. My Bessie had her babyshower in June last year - a few weeks after our FET cycle didn't work. I was in a right old flap about her baby shower. Most people who I spoke to about it told me not to worry and not to put myself through it, one person asked if I 'was able to be happy for my Bessie and just go - to put my own feelings aside for one afternoon?!' I know what was meant by imparting this advice, but it was my friends (and my own) happiness that I was in knots about. Maybe you have to have gone through pregnancy loss, or several IVF rounds to understand that this was about anything but not being happy for my Bessie, it was about dealing with grief and not wanting my grief to ruin a happy occasion. The most understanding person was my Bessie. Of course she was - that's why she's my Bessie! Cooing over baby things so close to a failed IVF cycle would have been horrific and I just couldn't face it so I did the right thing for me and hung out with my baby bro for the day instead. That was the right thing to do for all of us.
The birth of my Bessie's 'Little Buddha' was by far the most amazing thing to happen in 2013. I adore her, she is the most chilled out, alert, happy, smiley baby who loves her grub and knows who her Auntie Jojo is (as you can imagine - this really makes me smile - my heart could burst for the amount of love I have for my Bessie's baby girl)! She's six months old now and into everything, she will be walking by the time she turns one - she just wants to be in the midst of it all. I love hanging out with my Bessie and her mini-me, it is in fact my most favourite thing to do and I love playing with Little Buddha - she rocks my world and I think I might rock hers too.
The babies we had the showers for a couple of weeks ago are both here now - two gorgeous little baby girls. One arrived today, yet to be named. The other arrived a little earlier than expected but she is just perfect. It was the first babyshower that was the hardest - I cried before I went, Facetimed my Bessie looking like a bright red snotty mess, she stopped me crying, we had a chat, I considered not going but I sucked it up as I knew if I didn't go to that one I'd never go to another babyshower ever again. It was fine as my friends and her other friends are totes amazeballs. There was none of the usual girly-girls going mental over bibs, it was a group of women, hanging out over afternoon tea, some drinking wine, some sticking to tea, A LOT of cake and a lot of chatter and laughs - oh and we all gave the mum-to-be some gifts for her baby - nothing wrong with that, it was a lovely afternoon.
Now when I look at the gorgeous little faces of these two brand new beautiful baby girls and see how perfect they are (and unlike most people I don't think they look like Winston Churchill), I can see their parents features even when they are brand spanking new and I am filled with happiness. That's the difference a year makes. I invested in my emotions and I don't crumble when I see a new born. I did however cry today when I first saw 'yet to be named' daughter of one of my bestest girlfriends. Tears of joy and a very strong gut feeling that it will be me soon, sending my friends photos on whatsapp. It's an amazing thing and I am in awe of women - we are by the far the stronger sex!
So after a attempting to distract myself by getting rather hammered with work colleagues a couple of weeks ago in-between babyshowers, hearing news of more IVF grief, dealing with my fist IVF anniversary and gearing up for 11 February which will be a year to the day when I knew in my gut that my mini-me hadn't stuck I'm actually pretty bloody good. Our consultation at The Lister is booked in, the Hubster and I have been on a tough journey but we are the So Solid Crew - tough, determined, solid, strong, optimistic and gosh - am I allowed to say it?
We're happy (if a little scared of what the future may hold).
We just need to focus on the here and now and what will be, will be. Take me to La La Land if you want but I think I'd rather be right where I am.
Laters x
The birth of my Bessie's 'Little Buddha' was by far the most amazing thing to happen in 2013. I adore her, she is the most chilled out, alert, happy, smiley baby who loves her grub and knows who her Auntie Jojo is (as you can imagine - this really makes me smile - my heart could burst for the amount of love I have for my Bessie's baby girl)! She's six months old now and into everything, she will be walking by the time she turns one - she just wants to be in the midst of it all. I love hanging out with my Bessie and her mini-me, it is in fact my most favourite thing to do and I love playing with Little Buddha - she rocks my world and I think I might rock hers too.
The babies we had the showers for a couple of weeks ago are both here now - two gorgeous little baby girls. One arrived today, yet to be named. The other arrived a little earlier than expected but she is just perfect. It was the first babyshower that was the hardest - I cried before I went, Facetimed my Bessie looking like a bright red snotty mess, she stopped me crying, we had a chat, I considered not going but I sucked it up as I knew if I didn't go to that one I'd never go to another babyshower ever again. It was fine as my friends and her other friends are totes amazeballs. There was none of the usual girly-girls going mental over bibs, it was a group of women, hanging out over afternoon tea, some drinking wine, some sticking to tea, A LOT of cake and a lot of chatter and laughs - oh and we all gave the mum-to-be some gifts for her baby - nothing wrong with that, it was a lovely afternoon.
Now when I look at the gorgeous little faces of these two brand new beautiful baby girls and see how perfect they are (and unlike most people I don't think they look like Winston Churchill), I can see their parents features even when they are brand spanking new and I am filled with happiness. That's the difference a year makes. I invested in my emotions and I don't crumble when I see a new born. I did however cry today when I first saw 'yet to be named' daughter of one of my bestest girlfriends. Tears of joy and a very strong gut feeling that it will be me soon, sending my friends photos on whatsapp. It's an amazing thing and I am in awe of women - we are by the far the stronger sex!
So after a attempting to distract myself by getting rather hammered with work colleagues a couple of weeks ago in-between babyshowers, hearing news of more IVF grief, dealing with my fist IVF anniversary and gearing up for 11 February which will be a year to the day when I knew in my gut that my mini-me hadn't stuck I'm actually pretty bloody good. Our consultation at The Lister is booked in, the Hubster and I have been on a tough journey but we are the So Solid Crew - tough, determined, solid, strong, optimistic and gosh - am I allowed to say it?
We're happy (if a little scared of what the future may hold).
We just need to focus on the here and now and what will be, will be. Take me to La La Land if you want but I think I'd rather be right where I am.
Laters x
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Crumbling
15 days post egg collection, 10 days post embryo transfer
It wasn't meant to be like this, I wasn't supposed to start spotting 8 days after our mini-me was transferred, the spotting wasn't supposed to turn from brown to red, and the red spotting wasn't supposed to turn into a heavy, painful period but it has: the IVF hasn't worked and I'm heartbroken, devastated, grief-stricken and I'm heavy - oh so heavy. My arms and legs are heavy but most heavy is my heart, I can feel it breaking.
My friends were amazing last weekend, all of them rose to challenge of distracting me - I was happy to watch them drink booze whilst I drunk elderflower, I even tried half a Guinness on Saturday and I thought it was the foulest thing I'd ever tasted (anyone who knows me, knows how much I love my Guinness). This along with boobs changing, twinges down below and spotting a few days after transfer all convinced me I was pregnant, I even started thinking we might have identical twins. Silly Jojo - I should've known better than to run away with myself.
I've never really felt heartbroken before, but I do now. I've never howled like I have howled over the past two days and I'm crying writing this now. I so wanted our mini-me to stick, I put so much work into making my womb a VIP womb, and what with having a grade 5AA blasto I just can't see why it wouldn't work? I know I did everything possible to make it work and I know it's not my fault (doesn't stop it feeling like it's my fault though). Ho hum, I guess our mini-me was a bit fussy and didn't fancy it? All is not lost, we have mini-mes in the freezer so we can have another go, but for now I'm staying in bed, sleeping when I want to sleep, eating when I feel like eating (but having to force myself as I have no appetite) and just letting the tears flow. The Hubster came home from work yesterday after breaking down himself and after hearing me howl down the phone, it breaks my heart that little bit more when I see my darling Hubster broken - I do love him so and together I know we will be fine, it just doesn't quite feel like that right now. He's gone back to work today which is fine, despite crying already this morning I feel marginally better than yesterday - he needs to go to work, I need to rest. I had the foresight back in November to book a weekend away in Jersey at the beginning of March; we have never needed a break like we need this one - it will help us clear our minds and regroup, right now we're grieving.
I'm signing off for now - it might be a while till I'm back, I don't know - depends how I feel. If you're reading this and we're Facebook friends, please don't post any comments on my wall, please post them here or PM me, and if I don't reply please don't be offended. Despite being quite open with our journey, I'm not that ready to share my grief with the world of Facebook.
Catch ya later x
It wasn't meant to be like this, I wasn't supposed to start spotting 8 days after our mini-me was transferred, the spotting wasn't supposed to turn from brown to red, and the red spotting wasn't supposed to turn into a heavy, painful period but it has: the IVF hasn't worked and I'm heartbroken, devastated, grief-stricken and I'm heavy - oh so heavy. My arms and legs are heavy but most heavy is my heart, I can feel it breaking.
My friends were amazing last weekend, all of them rose to challenge of distracting me - I was happy to watch them drink booze whilst I drunk elderflower, I even tried half a Guinness on Saturday and I thought it was the foulest thing I'd ever tasted (anyone who knows me, knows how much I love my Guinness). This along with boobs changing, twinges down below and spotting a few days after transfer all convinced me I was pregnant, I even started thinking we might have identical twins. Silly Jojo - I should've known better than to run away with myself.
I've never really felt heartbroken before, but I do now. I've never howled like I have howled over the past two days and I'm crying writing this now. I so wanted our mini-me to stick, I put so much work into making my womb a VIP womb, and what with having a grade 5AA blasto I just can't see why it wouldn't work? I know I did everything possible to make it work and I know it's not my fault (doesn't stop it feeling like it's my fault though). Ho hum, I guess our mini-me was a bit fussy and didn't fancy it? All is not lost, we have mini-mes in the freezer so we can have another go, but for now I'm staying in bed, sleeping when I want to sleep, eating when I feel like eating (but having to force myself as I have no appetite) and just letting the tears flow. The Hubster came home from work yesterday after breaking down himself and after hearing me howl down the phone, it breaks my heart that little bit more when I see my darling Hubster broken - I do love him so and together I know we will be fine, it just doesn't quite feel like that right now. He's gone back to work today which is fine, despite crying already this morning I feel marginally better than yesterday - he needs to go to work, I need to rest. I had the foresight back in November to book a weekend away in Jersey at the beginning of March; we have never needed a break like we need this one - it will help us clear our minds and regroup, right now we're grieving.
I'm signing off for now - it might be a while till I'm back, I don't know - depends how I feel. If you're reading this and we're Facebook friends, please don't post any comments on my wall, please post them here or PM me, and if I don't reply please don't be offended. Despite being quite open with our journey, I'm not that ready to share my grief with the world of Facebook.
Catch ya later x
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
The final countdown
Embryo Transfer and the dreaded two week wait
Tuesday was ET day, it was a very exciting day and it pretty much marked a conclusion to our IVF treatment; after waiting for so long and then diving headlong into it, and then feeling rubbish (but very upbeat) throughout, would you think it strange if I told you I found this a little sad? Probably!
We got the call from our embryologist around about 9:30am on Tuesday to tell us we had one über top grade blastocyst for transfer and we have a few for freezing, all good quality blastos but the best with the highest possibility of implanting would be meeting me later. Whoop whoop. Despite having quite a few good quality embryos at the three day stage you always worry that they may not live - it has happened but I was ecstatic to hear that ours were still fighting. I gave verbal consent for them to be frozen - we have some babies in the bank so to speak.
Our appointment was at 2:30pm, you need to have a full bladder for ET as it helps the doctor place the embryo in the right section of the womb (the bladder helps flatten out the womb so when it comes to inserting the catheter into your womb - it practically goes in a straight line). Given the sheer amount of liquid I've been drinking to try and beat the OHSS this wasn't a problem, however - we didn't get seen until 3:30pm - I was full to bursting!!! Like egg collection (EC) day, you need to ensure that you're not wearing any makeup (including nail varnish), perfume - anything smelly and the same goes for your significant other - embryos don't like it so you need to make sure when you are going for EC and ET that you are there as God made you.
ET doesn't hurt and is much like a smear test as it involves a speculum, unlike having a baseline scan you have an ultrasound - it's via the ultrasound the team can see where to transfer the embryo. There were a legion of people in the room with us: the doctor doing the transfer, two other doctors, a trainee doctor and the embryologist. Initially a lovely, petite Indian lady doctor was supposed to do the ET but when I walked into theatre fully gowned up, I was asked if I minded another doctor doing the ET as he wanted try a new softer catheter (a more senior doctor obviously pulled rank)? I didn't really care who did it, as long as they did it properly and got my mini-me in my womb safely - this doctor seemed like he knew how to do the job! You can't be shy if you're having IVF, your foof is on show for everyone to have a look at. As they were trialling a new catheter we had a mock transfer first, this is fine, do as many practice runs as you like as long as when it comes to the real thing - it's done correctly (I didn't doubt the doctor's competence at any time btw). Yes ladies - you can't be shy about this; imagine you are on a dentist like chair with you legs in stirrups, much like a smear there's a speculum and it's clamped in for a good while, your chair is then winched up and there is a bright yellow shining light beaming at your foof where both male and female doctors will be having a look, all to ensure the safe delivery of your mini-me. This is what ET is like! The bonus of all of this is we not only got to see our mini-me hatching out of it's shell in the petri dish on the big plasma screen just before transfer, but we also saw it being inserted into my womb (not very clearly, but you could see it). This was awesome (and it brings a tear to my eye when I think about it - absolutely amazing).
A day five hatching blastocyst - this is what our mini-me looked like before transfer, ripe for attaching and implanting (fingers crossed).
Kings ACU use the Gardener scale for grading Blastocysts, the stage of development of the blastocyst(s) is graded from 1 - 6, and the outer and inner cell masses are graded from A-C. The inner cell mass forms what will become the baby (this is what you can see hatching out of the picture above), the outer cell mass or trophectoderm will become the placenta. The stage of development and quality of the outer and inner cell masses is scored as per the tables below. I've included this technical shizzle as it can be hard to remember everything as and when you're told it due to adrenalin, and given how you are positioned in theatre.
What I am really pleased to say is that our mini-me is a grade 5AA - this is the best type of blastocyst that can be transferred, and from what I understand is a bit like gold dust in the murky world of IVF/ICSI. Grade 6 blastos need to hatch in the womb so I was pleased as punch to see that we now have the best possible chance of success, our mini-me was ripe for implantation, fingers and toes crossed.
Test day is Friday 15 February 2013: gulp.
This is nine long days away. I am so looking forward to that day but it also scares the be-jesus out of me. It's REALLY hard not to dwell and over analyse every twinge (Google at times can be your own worst enemy). Those cramps I can feel, are they implantation cramps or is it my ovaries groaning with the last bit of OHSS or is it the progesterone pessaries? Questions, questions, questions. And it's because of all these questions, lack of activity and waiting that make the two week wait (or the 11 day wait for a five day transfer as in my case) the hardest part of IVF: am I pregnant or not - please somebody tell me!!! BUT one must wait patiently for the outcome of one's endeavours. There's no point in testing too early as you could get a big fat positive (BFP) due to residual HCG being in your system from the trigger shot done 36 hours prior to egg collection. I know of a friend who tested too early and got a BFP, and then ended up getting a big fat negative (BFN) when it came to test day. I can't put myself through that so I shall have to be patient and wait until the morning of 15 February.
I haven't worked out how I will tell people yet, what I do know, if its a BFN I'm not going to want to talk about it and I won't want to have to repeat the news, and I will crumble but for the minute the Hubster and I remain hopeful. Hopeful that our mini-me is bedding down for some VIP womb action and at the moment it feels like that might be happening but only time will tell, as I said - it could be anything. We have done everything humanly possible to make this work and we have a great chance of success but there are no guarantees.
So I'm signing off for now, the next nine days are going to be long but this is where my IVF Belief CD comes into it's own. The third and final message is about deep relaxation and positive visualisation and it really helps me chill and focus all my positive energy to my womb and our mini-me. I'm going to be listening to it lots. Please sprinkle oodles of baby dust our way and pray we get the result we so want.
Catch ya later :) x
Tuesday was ET day, it was a very exciting day and it pretty much marked a conclusion to our IVF treatment; after waiting for so long and then diving headlong into it, and then feeling rubbish (but very upbeat) throughout, would you think it strange if I told you I found this a little sad? Probably!
We got the call from our embryologist around about 9:30am on Tuesday to tell us we had one über top grade blastocyst for transfer and we have a few for freezing, all good quality blastos but the best with the highest possibility of implanting would be meeting me later. Whoop whoop. Despite having quite a few good quality embryos at the three day stage you always worry that they may not live - it has happened but I was ecstatic to hear that ours were still fighting. I gave verbal consent for them to be frozen - we have some babies in the bank so to speak.
Our appointment was at 2:30pm, you need to have a full bladder for ET as it helps the doctor place the embryo in the right section of the womb (the bladder helps flatten out the womb so when it comes to inserting the catheter into your womb - it practically goes in a straight line). Given the sheer amount of liquid I've been drinking to try and beat the OHSS this wasn't a problem, however - we didn't get seen until 3:30pm - I was full to bursting!!! Like egg collection (EC) day, you need to ensure that you're not wearing any makeup (including nail varnish), perfume - anything smelly and the same goes for your significant other - embryos don't like it so you need to make sure when you are going for EC and ET that you are there as God made you.
ET doesn't hurt and is much like a smear test as it involves a speculum, unlike having a baseline scan you have an ultrasound - it's via the ultrasound the team can see where to transfer the embryo. There were a legion of people in the room with us: the doctor doing the transfer, two other doctors, a trainee doctor and the embryologist. Initially a lovely, petite Indian lady doctor was supposed to do the ET but when I walked into theatre fully gowned up, I was asked if I minded another doctor doing the ET as he wanted try a new softer catheter (a more senior doctor obviously pulled rank)? I didn't really care who did it, as long as they did it properly and got my mini-me in my womb safely - this doctor seemed like he knew how to do the job! You can't be shy if you're having IVF, your foof is on show for everyone to have a look at. As they were trialling a new catheter we had a mock transfer first, this is fine, do as many practice runs as you like as long as when it comes to the real thing - it's done correctly (I didn't doubt the doctor's competence at any time btw). Yes ladies - you can't be shy about this; imagine you are on a dentist like chair with you legs in stirrups, much like a smear there's a speculum and it's clamped in for a good while, your chair is then winched up and there is a bright yellow shining light beaming at your foof where both male and female doctors will be having a look, all to ensure the safe delivery of your mini-me. This is what ET is like! The bonus of all of this is we not only got to see our mini-me hatching out of it's shell in the petri dish on the big plasma screen just before transfer, but we also saw it being inserted into my womb (not very clearly, but you could see it). This was awesome (and it brings a tear to my eye when I think about it - absolutely amazing).
A day five hatching blastocyst - this is what our mini-me looked like before transfer, ripe for attaching and implanting (fingers crossed).
Kings ACU use the Gardener scale for grading Blastocysts, the stage of development of the blastocyst(s) is graded from 1 - 6, and the outer and inner cell masses are graded from A-C. The inner cell mass forms what will become the baby (this is what you can see hatching out of the picture above), the outer cell mass or trophectoderm will become the placenta. The stage of development and quality of the outer and inner cell masses is scored as per the tables below. I've included this technical shizzle as it can be hard to remember everything as and when you're told it due to adrenalin, and given how you are positioned in theatre.
The Gardener blastocyst grading system assigns three seperate quality scores to each blastocyst embryo:
- Blastocyst development stage - expansion and hatching status
- Inner cell mass (ICM) score, or quality
- Trophectoderm (TE) score, or quality
| Expansion grade | Blastocyst development and stage status |
| 1 |
Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
|
| 2 |
Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
|
| 3 |
Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
|
| 4 |
Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
|
| 5 |
Hatching out of the shell
|
| 6 |
Hatched out of the shell
|
| ICM grade |
Inner cell mass quality
|
| A |
Many cells, tightly packed
|
| B |
Several cells, loosely grouped
|
| C |
Very few cells
|
| TE grade |
Trophectoderm quality
|
| A |
Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
|
| B |
Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
|
| C |
Very few large cells
|
What I am really pleased to say is that our mini-me is a grade 5AA - this is the best type of blastocyst that can be transferred, and from what I understand is a bit like gold dust in the murky world of IVF/ICSI. Grade 6 blastos need to hatch in the womb so I was pleased as punch to see that we now have the best possible chance of success, our mini-me was ripe for implantation, fingers and toes crossed.
Test day is Friday 15 February 2013: gulp.
This is nine long days away. I am so looking forward to that day but it also scares the be-jesus out of me. It's REALLY hard not to dwell and over analyse every twinge (Google at times can be your own worst enemy). Those cramps I can feel, are they implantation cramps or is it my ovaries groaning with the last bit of OHSS or is it the progesterone pessaries? Questions, questions, questions. And it's because of all these questions, lack of activity and waiting that make the two week wait (or the 11 day wait for a five day transfer as in my case) the hardest part of IVF: am I pregnant or not - please somebody tell me!!! BUT one must wait patiently for the outcome of one's endeavours. There's no point in testing too early as you could get a big fat positive (BFP) due to residual HCG being in your system from the trigger shot done 36 hours prior to egg collection. I know of a friend who tested too early and got a BFP, and then ended up getting a big fat negative (BFN) when it came to test day. I can't put myself through that so I shall have to be patient and wait until the morning of 15 February.
I haven't worked out how I will tell people yet, what I do know, if its a BFN I'm not going to want to talk about it and I won't want to have to repeat the news, and I will crumble but for the minute the Hubster and I remain hopeful. Hopeful that our mini-me is bedding down for some VIP womb action and at the moment it feels like that might be happening but only time will tell, as I said - it could be anything. We have done everything humanly possible to make this work and we have a great chance of success but there are no guarantees.
So I'm signing off for now, the next nine days are going to be long but this is where my IVF Belief CD comes into it's own. The third and final message is about deep relaxation and positive visualisation and it really helps me chill and focus all my positive energy to my womb and our mini-me. I'm going to be listening to it lots. Please sprinkle oodles of baby dust our way and pray we get the result we so want.
Catch ya later :) x
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Let's twist again
So I've been in pain, real pain. The type of pain that makes all the colour drain from your face and you need to pant through it. The pain was so bad last night that I actually told the Hubster "I need to go to hospital." Queue blood draining from the Hubster's face, scary times - I don't think I'd realised up until that point how stressful all of this has been on my lovely Hubster. The flat may look like an upside down mess but who am I do have a go at him about that when let's face it - all of his energy has been put into making sure that I'm ok?
The day had started out so well as well, we were up at 8:30am getting ready to go to Kings for embryo transfer (ET). We were told to treat Saturday like ET day and if enough of our little mini-mes had made it to day three and were dividing evenly we could go for a day five (blastocyst) transfer. At 9:15am we got the call from the embryologist to say that 3/4 of our embryos were still going strong and were of a very high quality - we could go for Monday transfer - woo hoo! Absolutely buzzing, this is what I'd been praying for - I knew all my PMA was worth it - go, go, go mini-mes - we're willing you on!
This was the best I'd felt in days, I could actually put my new (stretchy) jeans on as the bloat had decreased and I guess the adrenalin rush had something to do with the feel good factor, so the Hubster and I went out for brunch. Whilst at brunch, my consultant called to check on my symptoms (as it was a Saturday I had the doctor call and not a nurse as usual). I told him I was actually up and out for the first time since Wednesday, the bloat had subsided somewhat but I still was nowhere near 100%. He asked about how much I was peeing and he seemed happy with that, but I'm still under close observation as symptoms of OHSS can fluctuate on an hourly basis. The previous day I had a very bad, sharp stabbing pain in the womb/ovary area, it lasted about 10 minutes then went thankfully. Apparently this is my ovary twisting - WTF?!?! Due to over stimulation my ovaries are very large, they sit independently on both sides of the womb. Sudden movement can make them twist - I had no idea about this. They normally twist back by themselves, if the pain stays, it's what's called an emergency and I'm to call the on-call gyno at Kings ASAP and head to A&E if necessary.
OK!!! I felt reassured to know what that pain was and glad my body had sorted it out by itself. Fast forward 12 hours and I look like a ghost, not communicating with the Hubster other than the odd grunt and pointing at whatever I needed - at that point I was demanding a fresh hot water bottle. It took 30 minutes for the pain to go last night and I was scared, really scared (but I didn't let on to the Hubster how scared I was). Having read the OHSS leaflet again that one of the nurses gave me on Wednesday I've now noticed the section on acute abdominal pain it says to call them immediately if I get it. I never really understood what acute pain was until I got OHSS; I've never felt pain like it - EVER, and I pray I don't feel it again.
After brunch we went to the in-laws, it was there my bloating suddenly came back, I had to undo my jeans and I started waddling again - my pee output had suddenly gone down as well so we rushed home (as much as a person in my condition can rush that is), I got back into bed (boooooo), inhaled some water and then I started peeling again - phew. It's now Sunday morning, the bloat is still there (and as big as ever) but my twisted ovary has twisted itself back - thank f**k for that. I have NEVER felt pain like it.
I've had some well meaning friends try to get me to "think myself better" which normally I am an advocate of but this is something totally different to a bug; do they not think that I have already been willing my body to stop doing what it's doing? My friends should know I'm a glass half full kinda girl so thinking my way out of this horrid condition is already on the agenda. If the power of thought alone was enough to stop my follicles from filling up with protein rich liquid, which then seeps out into my abdomen causing the massive bloat, I really would've kicked this OHSS by now but it ain't as simple as that. Telling me to think myself better is a bit like telling a 15 year old girl who has unwittingly found out she's pregnant (and she doesn't want to be), that she can think herself to not be pregnant! That shizzle doesn't happen! This isn't the lurgy, or a tummy bug or a fit of melodramatic depression, its an overreaction to the Gonal F, it is what it is and it will be gone soon enough; the best thing to do is for me to give-in to what's happening, relax, don't stress about it, drink oodles of liquid and rest, rest, rest.
I know my friends mean well and if you're reading this and you're one of my well meaning friends who gave me the thinking advice please don't get upset with me, I know none of you want me to go through this and that your heart is in the right place. If you know me at all you'll know that I've read masses on this, I understand the condition and how dangerous it can be and I'm doing what the doctors are telling me to do. All my positivity is being channelled towards our mini-mes, willing them to stay strong and to develop into blastocysts. I finally stumbled across a blog that is as honest as my blog on OHSS - have a read - it really made me feel better and it might give you a better understanding of the excruciating pain that no amount of thought is able to combat; it made me realise that I'm not going mad imagining these symptoms - you just need to look at me to see something isn't right!
Bloated Jojo - not looking too happy about the situation (and most certainly not my most attractive photo but I thought I should share the love). This was taken yesterday (Saturday 2 February 2013) - I'm a bit bigger since then - the irony isn't lost on me that I look rather pregnant!
Despite all of this (and it appears that I have had a rather tough IVF experience so far) I am still in very good spirits. I may have had to jump through hoops with the NHS to get my treatment but you know what? I'm glad I had to jump through hoops as IVF is anything but a quick-fix, it's a long hard slog (physically and emotionally). This is expensive, hardcore, invasive treatment - they need to be certain only the right couples get the treatment.
I'm totally in awe of what the doctors do at Kings and I feel nothing but love for them. The NHS, despite its faults is a wonderful thing and I feel so lucky to be where I am, I am blessed to have my mini-mes dividing away in a petri dish in SE5, I'm a very lucky girl - I just need lady luck to be on my side from this day onwards. I just need one of my mini-mes to take up residence with me and we can get on with getting to know each other. It's gonna happen and I know I'll have some babies left over for another time; I can't possibly have endured all of this for it not to work (and I am banishing those seeds of doubt out of my head this very instant!) Knowing I have mini-mes in a petri dish in SE5 makes me very happy and excited. I know the OHSS is likely to get worse and possibly stay with me for weeks to come if I get pregnant but you know what? I don't care, whatever it takes as two want to become three. Tomorrow is blastocyst transfer day - excited doesn't come close :)
Catch ya later :) x
The day had started out so well as well, we were up at 8:30am getting ready to go to Kings for embryo transfer (ET). We were told to treat Saturday like ET day and if enough of our little mini-mes had made it to day three and were dividing evenly we could go for a day five (blastocyst) transfer. At 9:15am we got the call from the embryologist to say that 3/4 of our embryos were still going strong and were of a very high quality - we could go for Monday transfer - woo hoo! Absolutely buzzing, this is what I'd been praying for - I knew all my PMA was worth it - go, go, go mini-mes - we're willing you on!
This was the best I'd felt in days, I could actually put my new (stretchy) jeans on as the bloat had decreased and I guess the adrenalin rush had something to do with the feel good factor, so the Hubster and I went out for brunch. Whilst at brunch, my consultant called to check on my symptoms (as it was a Saturday I had the doctor call and not a nurse as usual). I told him I was actually up and out for the first time since Wednesday, the bloat had subsided somewhat but I still was nowhere near 100%. He asked about how much I was peeing and he seemed happy with that, but I'm still under close observation as symptoms of OHSS can fluctuate on an hourly basis. The previous day I had a very bad, sharp stabbing pain in the womb/ovary area, it lasted about 10 minutes then went thankfully. Apparently this is my ovary twisting - WTF?!?! Due to over stimulation my ovaries are very large, they sit independently on both sides of the womb. Sudden movement can make them twist - I had no idea about this. They normally twist back by themselves, if the pain stays, it's what's called an emergency and I'm to call the on-call gyno at Kings ASAP and head to A&E if necessary.
OK!!! I felt reassured to know what that pain was and glad my body had sorted it out by itself. Fast forward 12 hours and I look like a ghost, not communicating with the Hubster other than the odd grunt and pointing at whatever I needed - at that point I was demanding a fresh hot water bottle. It took 30 minutes for the pain to go last night and I was scared, really scared (but I didn't let on to the Hubster how scared I was). Having read the OHSS leaflet again that one of the nurses gave me on Wednesday I've now noticed the section on acute abdominal pain it says to call them immediately if I get it. I never really understood what acute pain was until I got OHSS; I've never felt pain like it - EVER, and I pray I don't feel it again.
After brunch we went to the in-laws, it was there my bloating suddenly came back, I had to undo my jeans and I started waddling again - my pee output had suddenly gone down as well so we rushed home (as much as a person in my condition can rush that is), I got back into bed (boooooo), inhaled some water and then I started peeling again - phew. It's now Sunday morning, the bloat is still there (and as big as ever) but my twisted ovary has twisted itself back - thank f**k for that. I have NEVER felt pain like it.
I've had some well meaning friends try to get me to "think myself better" which normally I am an advocate of but this is something totally different to a bug; do they not think that I have already been willing my body to stop doing what it's doing? My friends should know I'm a glass half full kinda girl so thinking my way out of this horrid condition is already on the agenda. If the power of thought alone was enough to stop my follicles from filling up with protein rich liquid, which then seeps out into my abdomen causing the massive bloat, I really would've kicked this OHSS by now but it ain't as simple as that. Telling me to think myself better is a bit like telling a 15 year old girl who has unwittingly found out she's pregnant (and she doesn't want to be), that she can think herself to not be pregnant! That shizzle doesn't happen! This isn't the lurgy, or a tummy bug or a fit of melodramatic depression, its an overreaction to the Gonal F, it is what it is and it will be gone soon enough; the best thing to do is for me to give-in to what's happening, relax, don't stress about it, drink oodles of liquid and rest, rest, rest.
I know my friends mean well and if you're reading this and you're one of my well meaning friends who gave me the thinking advice please don't get upset with me, I know none of you want me to go through this and that your heart is in the right place. If you know me at all you'll know that I've read masses on this, I understand the condition and how dangerous it can be and I'm doing what the doctors are telling me to do. All my positivity is being channelled towards our mini-mes, willing them to stay strong and to develop into blastocysts. I finally stumbled across a blog that is as honest as my blog on OHSS - have a read - it really made me feel better and it might give you a better understanding of the excruciating pain that no amount of thought is able to combat; it made me realise that I'm not going mad imagining these symptoms - you just need to look at me to see something isn't right!
Bloated Jojo - not looking too happy about the situation (and most certainly not my most attractive photo but I thought I should share the love). This was taken yesterday (Saturday 2 February 2013) - I'm a bit bigger since then - the irony isn't lost on me that I look rather pregnant!
Despite all of this (and it appears that I have had a rather tough IVF experience so far) I am still in very good spirits. I may have had to jump through hoops with the NHS to get my treatment but you know what? I'm glad I had to jump through hoops as IVF is anything but a quick-fix, it's a long hard slog (physically and emotionally). This is expensive, hardcore, invasive treatment - they need to be certain only the right couples get the treatment.
I'm totally in awe of what the doctors do at Kings and I feel nothing but love for them. The NHS, despite its faults is a wonderful thing and I feel so lucky to be where I am, I am blessed to have my mini-mes dividing away in a petri dish in SE5, I'm a very lucky girl - I just need lady luck to be on my side from this day onwards. I just need one of my mini-mes to take up residence with me and we can get on with getting to know each other. It's gonna happen and I know I'll have some babies left over for another time; I can't possibly have endured all of this for it not to work (and I am banishing those seeds of doubt out of my head this very instant!) Knowing I have mini-mes in a petri dish in SE5 makes me very happy and excited. I know the OHSS is likely to get worse and possibly stay with me for weeks to come if I get pregnant but you know what? I don't care, whatever it takes as two want to become three. Tomorrow is blastocyst transfer day - excited doesn't come close :)
Catch ya later :) x
Friday, 1 February 2013
My own harvest festival
Egg collection and after affects round up
Egg collection was on Wednesday 30 January 2013, its now Friday 1 February and I'm spending another day in bed - oh what I'm going through to get a mini-me - but I'd do it all again - in a heartbeat.
So on EC day I was super calm, chilled and if anything not nervous but EXCITED - really excited. This was the day that the Hubster's DNA and my DNA were going to join to make mini-mes - what's not to be excited about?!
I got told off for admitting to taking a sip of water by the embryologist but we were still allowed to go ahead with the procedure. I won't lie to you - it hurt like a MoFo but I was out of it at the same time so I only remember snippets. The Hubster stayed with me throughout, I have vague recollections of him stroking my hair throughout the whole process. I had a heartbeat monitor and not at any point did it increase, it was a nice constant 70bpm, even when I was told to "take a deep breath in" and then I felt a hot, sharp stabbing pain around my womb / ovaries. The hypnotherapy CDs are obviously working - being relaxed and positive is the name of the game so if you are going through IVF yourself, please chill (and if all else fails, listen to The Orb's little fluffy clouds - works every time - you're allowed to take your iPod in with you if need be, if it helps - do it!!!) I know I bled as I felt them clean me up. I don't recall saying this but every time the embryologist said "deep breath in" I said "no pain, no gain." I winced but I wasn't a pansy and I breathed. This was after all one of the most exciting days of my life. What I'm really chuffed that I remembered was seeing MY EGGS on the big fat plasma screen - I am soooooo glad I was with it for that as it was 100% awesome - there were loads of them! Screw the pain - this is so worth it.
Anyhow, in recovery I zonked out and slept on and off for about an hour. I could hear a lady in the neighbouring cubicle crying her eyes out prior to her EC - if my head wasn't as woozy and my legs worked I would've gone in there, given her a big hug and would've tried to change her fear to excitement. I can't see how getting yourself in such a tizz is going to help matters? Anyhow - I hope the sedative helped her chill - it most certainly did me and I felt the after affects of it for the rest of the day.
The long and short of it is: I had far more than 26 follicles by the time the embryologist started having a rummage (my ovaries obviously went into overdrive last weekend), they got 18, yes 18 eggs (woo hoo) and Hubster's swimmers stood up to the test and did us proud. Another embryologist came to see us once I'd come round from the sedative in recovery and told us that at least 9 of my eggs would be fertilised via ICSI and 6 via conventional IVF. As per the most recent swimmer analysis, the Hubster's swimmers were on the cusp of ICSI/IVF so why not treat them like that and do a combo? Brilliant, the staff at King's really are amazing and I am in awe of them. How cool would it be to tell people that you're an embryologist? Far more exciting than saying you work in Marketing - I really wish science had been made a lot more appealing when I was at school as I now find it all fascinating. I'm going to make it my mission to get my mini-me(s) interested in science and with a bit of luck they'll go one to do something as amazing as this.
Anyhow, I digress, do you want to know what the different is between ICSI and IVF? ICSI stands for: Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection. This involves injecting a single swimmer directly into the egg to fertilise it - so the swimmer is given a helping hand. Here's a picture to show you the science bit - seriously - these guys are amazing for being able to do this:
Conventional IVF stands for in-vitro fertilisation, this literally means fertilisation in a glass - here's another picture for the science bit:
I am very chuffed that we are having both, the staff at Kings are keen to keep the whole process of baby-making as natural as possible so we have been lucky enough to have the best of both worlds. This however is where my frank honesty of how many eggs and swimmers successfully fertilised ends; I want to keep this private and don't really want the amount of embryos we have currently dividing away out there on the internet (you can understand that hey?) What I can tell you is that we have mini-mes growing in a petri dish and the embryologist called saying "I have amazing news" and it was amazing - lockdown was worth it and I am so excited about everything (despite feeling like a big fat pile of steaming poo). We're booked in for embryo transfer (ET) at 10:30am tomorrow morning (Saturday 2 February 2013). This would be a three day transfer, I'm hoping our little mini-mes stay strong and keep dividing evenly so they can get to blastocyst stage and we can have a five day transfer.
Here's a bit more science: check the image below to see how embryos develop. If you look at the very first embryo picture that has just two small circles in it - these circles represent the DNA from the mother and the father - how cool is that?! I figure that our mini-mes are currently at the eight cell stage, awesome, awesome, awesome. With a bit of luck the progesterone pessaries I'm now on will help one of my mini-mes implant in my nice, think womb - a blastocyst implantation is the aim.
Since my EC I have been feeling rough. The bloating I had with the HCG trigger shot has increased, I look about six months pregnant. It seems I have mild OHSS, it's quite uncomfortable and painful, I've felt queasy and have had some terrible trapped wind! Kings are checking up on me daily, I have a jug I need to pee in and I need to drink at least two litres of water / juice / tea etc a day, and I need to monitor my pee output. If my output declines rapidly I need to get myself to Kings quick sharp, if I start to feel breathless I need to get to A&E. I feel like crap but I'm still über optimistic - it is what it is and it will go soon enough - its just one of those things. I had yesterday off sick and I'm off sick again today - I was supposed to work form home but sitting up at a laptop for long periods of time is very uncomfortable (this post has been written in segments). Kings are calling me daily and they are concerned and keeping a close eye on me but I figure it'll be gone soon enough and I'll have a mini-me inside me :)
So that's it from me today, despite feeling like poo this is quite possibly the most exciting time of my life.
Catch ya later :) x
Egg collection was on Wednesday 30 January 2013, its now Friday 1 February and I'm spending another day in bed - oh what I'm going through to get a mini-me - but I'd do it all again - in a heartbeat.
So on EC day I was super calm, chilled and if anything not nervous but EXCITED - really excited. This was the day that the Hubster's DNA and my DNA were going to join to make mini-mes - what's not to be excited about?!
I got told off for admitting to taking a sip of water by the embryologist but we were still allowed to go ahead with the procedure. I won't lie to you - it hurt like a MoFo but I was out of it at the same time so I only remember snippets. The Hubster stayed with me throughout, I have vague recollections of him stroking my hair throughout the whole process. I had a heartbeat monitor and not at any point did it increase, it was a nice constant 70bpm, even when I was told to "take a deep breath in" and then I felt a hot, sharp stabbing pain around my womb / ovaries. The hypnotherapy CDs are obviously working - being relaxed and positive is the name of the game so if you are going through IVF yourself, please chill (and if all else fails, listen to The Orb's little fluffy clouds - works every time - you're allowed to take your iPod in with you if need be, if it helps - do it!!!) I know I bled as I felt them clean me up. I don't recall saying this but every time the embryologist said "deep breath in" I said "no pain, no gain." I winced but I wasn't a pansy and I breathed. This was after all one of the most exciting days of my life. What I'm really chuffed that I remembered was seeing MY EGGS on the big fat plasma screen - I am soooooo glad I was with it for that as it was 100% awesome - there were loads of them! Screw the pain - this is so worth it.
Anyhow, in recovery I zonked out and slept on and off for about an hour. I could hear a lady in the neighbouring cubicle crying her eyes out prior to her EC - if my head wasn't as woozy and my legs worked I would've gone in there, given her a big hug and would've tried to change her fear to excitement. I can't see how getting yourself in such a tizz is going to help matters? Anyhow - I hope the sedative helped her chill - it most certainly did me and I felt the after affects of it for the rest of the day.
The long and short of it is: I had far more than 26 follicles by the time the embryologist started having a rummage (my ovaries obviously went into overdrive last weekend), they got 18, yes 18 eggs (woo hoo) and Hubster's swimmers stood up to the test and did us proud. Another embryologist came to see us once I'd come round from the sedative in recovery and told us that at least 9 of my eggs would be fertilised via ICSI and 6 via conventional IVF. As per the most recent swimmer analysis, the Hubster's swimmers were on the cusp of ICSI/IVF so why not treat them like that and do a combo? Brilliant, the staff at King's really are amazing and I am in awe of them. How cool would it be to tell people that you're an embryologist? Far more exciting than saying you work in Marketing - I really wish science had been made a lot more appealing when I was at school as I now find it all fascinating. I'm going to make it my mission to get my mini-me(s) interested in science and with a bit of luck they'll go one to do something as amazing as this.
Anyhow, I digress, do you want to know what the different is between ICSI and IVF? ICSI stands for: Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection. This involves injecting a single swimmer directly into the egg to fertilise it - so the swimmer is given a helping hand. Here's a picture to show you the science bit - seriously - these guys are amazing for being able to do this:
Conventional IVF stands for in-vitro fertilisation, this literally means fertilisation in a glass - here's another picture for the science bit:
I am very chuffed that we are having both, the staff at Kings are keen to keep the whole process of baby-making as natural as possible so we have been lucky enough to have the best of both worlds. This however is where my frank honesty of how many eggs and swimmers successfully fertilised ends; I want to keep this private and don't really want the amount of embryos we have currently dividing away out there on the internet (you can understand that hey?) What I can tell you is that we have mini-mes growing in a petri dish and the embryologist called saying "I have amazing news" and it was amazing - lockdown was worth it and I am so excited about everything (despite feeling like a big fat pile of steaming poo). We're booked in for embryo transfer (ET) at 10:30am tomorrow morning (Saturday 2 February 2013). This would be a three day transfer, I'm hoping our little mini-mes stay strong and keep dividing evenly so they can get to blastocyst stage and we can have a five day transfer.
Here's a bit more science: check the image below to see how embryos develop. If you look at the very first embryo picture that has just two small circles in it - these circles represent the DNA from the mother and the father - how cool is that?! I figure that our mini-mes are currently at the eight cell stage, awesome, awesome, awesome. With a bit of luck the progesterone pessaries I'm now on will help one of my mini-mes implant in my nice, think womb - a blastocyst implantation is the aim.
Since my EC I have been feeling rough. The bloating I had with the HCG trigger shot has increased, I look about six months pregnant. It seems I have mild OHSS, it's quite uncomfortable and painful, I've felt queasy and have had some terrible trapped wind! Kings are checking up on me daily, I have a jug I need to pee in and I need to drink at least two litres of water / juice / tea etc a day, and I need to monitor my pee output. If my output declines rapidly I need to get myself to Kings quick sharp, if I start to feel breathless I need to get to A&E. I feel like crap but I'm still über optimistic - it is what it is and it will go soon enough - its just one of those things. I had yesterday off sick and I'm off sick again today - I was supposed to work form home but sitting up at a laptop for long periods of time is very uncomfortable (this post has been written in segments). Kings are calling me daily and they are concerned and keeping a close eye on me but I figure it'll be gone soon enough and I'll have a mini-me inside me :)
So that's it from me today, despite feeling like poo this is quite possibly the most exciting time of my life.
Catch ya later :) x
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Ready or not...
In T minus 11 hours the Hubster and I will be at King's ACU; I'll be sedated, in theatre having my eggs harvested: OH MY GOD!!!
Breathe Johanna, breathe!
Normally I am getting my jabs ready around about now (started writing at 7:30pm in case you were wondering about the time lapse), but not tonight - I did the last one of those bad boys last night - happy days. The last buserelin, doo-lally jab was dispatched at 18:45, the one and only HCG trigger shot was done at 21:03 - exactly 36 hours before egg collection.
The last buserelin (doo-lally) jab
The one and only HCG trigger shot box that has been sitting in my fridge for just over three months
And the pre-loaded injection pen - natural at this jabbing malarkey now!
As promised the HCG trigger shot has "made me feel like crap." I woke up this morning looking like I was five months pregnant from all the bloating, my ovaries have been aching (particularly when I have to go for a pee), I've been feeling very nauseous - happy days. The bloating does have a bonus, I was offered a seat on the way to work twice this morning (and I took both of them; I'm near enough pregnant eh?!) Only time will tell of I get full-blown OHSS, fingers crossed I'm through with the side affects.
So tomorrow is D-day, we're up nice and early, I will have to get to grips with yet another glamourous side of IVF, the anal suppository that I have to insert an hour before I leave - oh yeeeaaaaah! This forms the first part of the analgesia so I'm sure I'll be grateful for it when it comes to egg collection. Of course tomorrow is the day that the Hubster "gets to do his bit." I know this whole process is mainly about me but obviously the Hubster plays an absolutely vital role and gosh - he's going to have to perform under pressure tomorrow morning - I do feel a teeny bit sorry for him but then all the staff at Kings have seen this thing a million times before. So whilst the Hubster is doing his bit I'll be getting into my gown and getting ready for the intravenous injection of pethidine (a strong painkiller), and midazolam (a sedative) to make the procedure more comfortable.
With a bit of luck these follicles will have some nice juicy, ripe eggs in them ready for harvesting, that the Hubster has some super swimmers, and there is some serious fertilisation going on.
So that's it from me today as I need to try and get an early night. I'll update either tomorrow or Friday with how many eggs were collected and whether we're having IVF or ICSI (and I'll explain what the difference is).
Seriously exciting (but oh so scary stuff). It's all been leading up to this day - let's hope it's all been worth it. IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!!!
Catch ya later :) x
btw: this tune has been in my head all day: DJ Hype, Ready or Not - can't imagine why?! If you're into your d'n'b then you'll like this - enjoy :)
Breathe Johanna, breathe!
Normally I am getting my jabs ready around about now (started writing at 7:30pm in case you were wondering about the time lapse), but not tonight - I did the last one of those bad boys last night - happy days. The last buserelin, doo-lally jab was dispatched at 18:45, the one and only HCG trigger shot was done at 21:03 - exactly 36 hours before egg collection.
The last buserelin (doo-lally) jab
The one and only HCG trigger shot box that has been sitting in my fridge for just over three months
And the pre-loaded injection pen - natural at this jabbing malarkey now!
As promised the HCG trigger shot has "made me feel like crap." I woke up this morning looking like I was five months pregnant from all the bloating, my ovaries have been aching (particularly when I have to go for a pee), I've been feeling very nauseous - happy days. The bloating does have a bonus, I was offered a seat on the way to work twice this morning (and I took both of them; I'm near enough pregnant eh?!) Only time will tell of I get full-blown OHSS, fingers crossed I'm through with the side affects.
So tomorrow is D-day, we're up nice and early, I will have to get to grips with yet another glamourous side of IVF, the anal suppository that I have to insert an hour before I leave - oh yeeeaaaaah! This forms the first part of the analgesia so I'm sure I'll be grateful for it when it comes to egg collection. Of course tomorrow is the day that the Hubster "gets to do his bit." I know this whole process is mainly about me but obviously the Hubster plays an absolutely vital role and gosh - he's going to have to perform under pressure tomorrow morning - I do feel a teeny bit sorry for him but then all the staff at Kings have seen this thing a million times before. So whilst the Hubster is doing his bit I'll be getting into my gown and getting ready for the intravenous injection of pethidine (a strong painkiller), and midazolam (a sedative) to make the procedure more comfortable.
With a bit of luck these follicles will have some nice juicy, ripe eggs in them ready for harvesting, that the Hubster has some super swimmers, and there is some serious fertilisation going on.
So that's it from me today as I need to try and get an early night. I'll update either tomorrow or Friday with how many eggs were collected and whether we're having IVF or ICSI (and I'll explain what the difference is).
Seriously exciting (but oh so scary stuff). It's all been leading up to this day - let's hope it's all been worth it. IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!!!
Catch ya later :) x
btw: this tune has been in my head all day: DJ Hype, Ready or Not - can't imagine why?! If you're into your d'n'b then you'll like this - enjoy :)
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