One day till down regulation
Tonight I shall drink a glass of red wine or two or three.
Tonight I shall scoff loads of seriously yummy food and not care if I'm eating more carbs as opposed to protein.
Tonight I'm going to try and remember what the Hubster and I were like before before we embarked on our journey to the land of IF.
Tonight I am going to sleep like a baby in my bed and wrap myself around my duvet in the knowledge that I'm not going to overheat.
Tonight I shall be headache free.
Tonight I'm not going to be anxious.
Tonight I'm not going to flap or fret about the next seven or so weeks.
Tonight I am re-reading my blog entries from earlier this year with a slight sense of trepidation.
Tonight I am relishing an injection free night as tomorrow night marks day one of down regulation - BRING IT ON!!!
The Hubster and I finally had our joint counselling session last week and unlike the ones I have been to by myself this one really choked me up. Going for counselling at the assisted conception unit seems a bit wrong to me - that place is full of baby-related stuff: scans, nurses, hospital gowns, swimmer collection rooms, egg collection theatres, embryo transfers and its where our mini-mes are frozen - it's just so RAW. The counsellor there is lovely, I really clicked with her and so did my Hubster. What caught me off guard and stunted my speech was being asked "when did you lose your baby?" Wow. To finally have someone speak to me so honestly with the acknowledgement that yes - I lost my baby... and no, I'm not over it which made both the Hubster and I think: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY are we doing this again so bloody quickly when both of us are blatantly not ready for it? I have been warned, if this cycle doesn't work then not only will I be dealing with the three and half years of trying and not conceiving, but also the loss of our baby in February and then the loss of not one but two mini-mes. Seriously, we must be off our rockers? If this doesn't work then I don't know if I'll ever find the old me again, I'm not sure I'll be able to fix us (but I don't have choice really do I?)
BUT I can give you the answer to my questions: we want more than anything to be pregnant, we want to me a Mummy and Daddy and we know we will be bloody brilliant parents. All my fear is quashed under our teeny 20% chance of becoming pregnant. I've decided not to listen to the statistics - I was told I had a 60-70% chance of success on our last cycle and it didn't work so in my head - with two mini-mes being transferred we have just as much chance as anyone. I don't tend to take the easy path with anything so why should this be any different?
So from tomorrow onwards we're back to the injections, I'm off to see Elise (who I am sticking with - it's not practise in the counselling world to have more than one counsellor but I didn't want us to miss our joint appointment at Kings), I'm 100% off the booze, I'm back to listening to my IVF belief CD and I'm waiting for the side affects to kick-in. They took about four days last time round, I have one of my best friend's hen-do this weekend, that is on day five... I'm anxious about being teary, having hot flushes, getting headaches and just not wanting to be there, I'm anxious about watching all my friends get hammered whilst I stay sober - thank goodness for my Bessie being pregnant - both of us are (or were) THE party starters - oh how times have changed! I'm still funny in big groups where you are supposed to be having fun so I'm a bit worried about Saturday - I don't think I'll be my usual up-for-it self but I'll sure as hell give it a go. It'll be my first sober hen-do so we'll see how my stamina goes, it'll be good prep for the wedding as this will be around embryo transfer time - I do pick my moments hey?!
So that's it from me for tonight - I'm going to enjoy my last injection free evening for a good while - let the positive vibes commence, may the chemical menopause symptoms be gentle on me and may all my worry about my heart shattering into a million pieces again be put to rest. From this day onwards for our second cycle - PMA will prevail.
Catch ya later :) x
Showing posts with label Alcohol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alcohol. Show all posts
Monday, 8 April 2013
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Stimulation time baby!
Day 17 of down regulation
I started writing this post at 4am mid-insomnia attack two nights back when I wasn't feeling too great. I decided to hold off publishing as I knew my first baseline scan was due and I was keeping my pinkies crossed that I might have good news to report.
Anyhow, the Hubster and I had a good giggle last night - having not eaten that much yesterday and having made several mistakes at work I decided that I needed to snap myself out of my melancholy and cook up a bit fat juicy chicken for dinner: it did the trick it - I inhaled every bit and the Hubster and I were on form.
We were talking about the forthcoming scan and what would happen next in our quest to make a mini-me, I admitted how nervous / scared / excited I am about egg collection day - admitting your fears is quite a hard thing to do - it's taken so long for us to get to this stage I'm not about to start asking any "what ifs?" I'm not even contemplating this not working, tackling that possibility is something I'm not willing or able to do right now and I don't think it's the right attitude to be honest - positivity is the only way for Mr & Mrs C. The Hubster on the other hand was flapping about doing his forthcoming swimmer sample (not quite sure why - he's well practised in this swimmer sample shizzle) - in all honesty - we were hoping that our three months of lockdown had been worth it and that his swimmers had started swimming in the right direction and there were more of them. Compared to daily jabs that send you doo-lally, getting swimmers into a pot and delivered at Kings' Assisted Conception Unit (ACU) is not only quite an enjoyable experience in comparison to daily doo-lally jabs, but let's face it - it's something that most men should be more than capable of! The Hubster, kindly offered to "wa*k every day" if it meant it would make things better!!! Brilliant! That was nearly the title of this blog but I thought it might not get through the Google listings, but it's nice to know that the Hubster is thinking of me!
Anyhow, today was baseline scan day - OMG - how nervous were we?! We drove to Kings on a very cold morning (even I thought it was a bit chilly), it was so chilly I kept Paul's pot of swimmers under my arm pit to keep them warm! With only an hour allowed from production to delivery, keeping them warm was top priority just in case we got stuck in traffic - if they got too cold they'd start dying and we didn't want that.
We arrived bang on time and got seen at about 11am - a baseline scan - for those of you who don't know is a scan of the womb. Unlike an antenatal scan your bladder must be empty, and the scan is not conducted on your lower belly like when you're pregnant but via your foof! For my first scan this rather alarmed me, but it's nothing really - loads of forums bang on about discomfort and pain but a smear is far, far worse. A baseline scan doesn't hurt at all - you're given a sheet to protect your modesty and the nurse doesn't have a look at your foof, she's more interested in your womb. So if you are reading this and are about to have your first baseline scan please don't flap - it's nothing to worry about and is over really quickly! I don't find the scans that bad as I think its really cool to have a good old look at your womb (as did the Hubster). The scan is to check the lining of your womb and to check that your ovaries are nice and barren; basically it's to check that the daily doo-lally jabs have done what they're supposed to, and you've put yourself through hell and back for a reason - that you've shut down. Your womb lining needs to be no thicker than 5mm thick - even I knew just by looking at the scan that I'd shut down as my womb looked very different when compared to the last time I had a look. I'm very pleased to tell you that and mine is now 4mm thick at best! WOO HOO!!!
So I can move on to the stimulation phase - this is bloody brilliant news. BUT it now means I have to do two injections a day, I have to stick with 50 units of buserelin a day and start the Gonal F jabs - both jabs at the same time every day, on alternate sides of my belly (apparently I'll start feeling better as my body stocks up on FSH so it's all good). The Gonal F jab is pre-loaded with the follicle stimulation hormone (FSH) so it should be easier to deal with - one injection of each a day for another 10 days and then things will start to moving quickly: VERY EXCITING!
And now for the final bit of good news (drum roll please)... The Hubster's swimmer results are in. There has been a MASSIVE improvement, so much so that we are now on the cusp of having either ICSI (more on that another time) or straight forward IVF, so we are now borderline ICSI/IVF - I can't tell you how impressed I am. So it just goes to show for you chaps out there who are in denial about your manhood and reckon you can drink whatever you want and smoke whatever you want: being well behaved and cutting back on all of those toxins DOES have an impact. If you and your lady are thinking it'd be nice to have a mini-me of your own in a year or two you need to start looking after your health and start tweaking your lifestyle now, and I'm not just talking about cutting back the booze and stopping the fags, I'm talking about vitamins, diet and stress - every aspect of your lifestyle can affect your fertility. Whatever you do don't take your fertility for granted as if you lose it, it can be quite an effort to get it back and before you know it you're off down to your local hospital to have fertility tests. Trust me chaps, ladies are used to getting their foofs checked out but lets face it - you men have issues chatting about your emotions let alone having to get your swimmers analysed by your local NHS trust; if you have the power to do so this should be avoided if at all possible and it's only you chaps who can change that - this is one thing us ladies have no control over. Take it from someone who knows only too well how much anguish this can cause, don't leave baby making to the very last minute thinking you'll get pregnant straight away as that's not always the case (just because so and so did and they were hardcore ravers doesn't mean the same will happen for you), and if you're a lady then I don't even need to mention the dreaded biological clock... I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that three months of exemplary behaviour has actually done something good - that on top of generally winding down over the past 18 months has proven that it can be done, you get what you put in. High-five to the Hubster!
So, I'm signing off for today - next scan is in 10 days time (25 January) and if all is on track, it'll be systems go, go, go! Until then I'm moving on to the 2nd track on my IVF belief CD, I'm keeping positive and taking the side-affects in their stride.
Catch ya later :)
I started writing this post at 4am mid-insomnia attack two nights back when I wasn't feeling too great. I decided to hold off publishing as I knew my first baseline scan was due and I was keeping my pinkies crossed that I might have good news to report.
Anyhow, the Hubster and I had a good giggle last night - having not eaten that much yesterday and having made several mistakes at work I decided that I needed to snap myself out of my melancholy and cook up a bit fat juicy chicken for dinner: it did the trick it - I inhaled every bit and the Hubster and I were on form.
We were talking about the forthcoming scan and what would happen next in our quest to make a mini-me, I admitted how nervous / scared / excited I am about egg collection day - admitting your fears is quite a hard thing to do - it's taken so long for us to get to this stage I'm not about to start asking any "what ifs?" I'm not even contemplating this not working, tackling that possibility is something I'm not willing or able to do right now and I don't think it's the right attitude to be honest - positivity is the only way for Mr & Mrs C. The Hubster on the other hand was flapping about doing his forthcoming swimmer sample (not quite sure why - he's well practised in this swimmer sample shizzle) - in all honesty - we were hoping that our three months of lockdown had been worth it and that his swimmers had started swimming in the right direction and there were more of them. Compared to daily jabs that send you doo-lally, getting swimmers into a pot and delivered at Kings' Assisted Conception Unit (ACU) is not only quite an enjoyable experience in comparison to daily doo-lally jabs, but let's face it - it's something that most men should be more than capable of! The Hubster, kindly offered to "wa*k every day" if it meant it would make things better!!! Brilliant! That was nearly the title of this blog but I thought it might not get through the Google listings, but it's nice to know that the Hubster is thinking of me!
Anyhow, today was baseline scan day - OMG - how nervous were we?! We drove to Kings on a very cold morning (even I thought it was a bit chilly), it was so chilly I kept Paul's pot of swimmers under my arm pit to keep them warm! With only an hour allowed from production to delivery, keeping them warm was top priority just in case we got stuck in traffic - if they got too cold they'd start dying and we didn't want that.
We arrived bang on time and got seen at about 11am - a baseline scan - for those of you who don't know is a scan of the womb. Unlike an antenatal scan your bladder must be empty, and the scan is not conducted on your lower belly like when you're pregnant but via your foof! For my first scan this rather alarmed me, but it's nothing really - loads of forums bang on about discomfort and pain but a smear is far, far worse. A baseline scan doesn't hurt at all - you're given a sheet to protect your modesty and the nurse doesn't have a look at your foof, she's more interested in your womb. So if you are reading this and are about to have your first baseline scan please don't flap - it's nothing to worry about and is over really quickly! I don't find the scans that bad as I think its really cool to have a good old look at your womb (as did the Hubster). The scan is to check the lining of your womb and to check that your ovaries are nice and barren; basically it's to check that the daily doo-lally jabs have done what they're supposed to, and you've put yourself through hell and back for a reason - that you've shut down. Your womb lining needs to be no thicker than 5mm thick - even I knew just by looking at the scan that I'd shut down as my womb looked very different when compared to the last time I had a look. I'm very pleased to tell you that and mine is now 4mm thick at best! WOO HOO!!!
So I can move on to the stimulation phase - this is bloody brilliant news. BUT it now means I have to do two injections a day, I have to stick with 50 units of buserelin a day and start the Gonal F jabs - both jabs at the same time every day, on alternate sides of my belly (apparently I'll start feeling better as my body stocks up on FSH so it's all good). The Gonal F jab is pre-loaded with the follicle stimulation hormone (FSH) so it should be easier to deal with - one injection of each a day for another 10 days and then things will start to moving quickly: VERY EXCITING!
And now for the final bit of good news (drum roll please)... The Hubster's swimmer results are in. There has been a MASSIVE improvement, so much so that we are now on the cusp of having either ICSI (more on that another time) or straight forward IVF, so we are now borderline ICSI/IVF - I can't tell you how impressed I am. So it just goes to show for you chaps out there who are in denial about your manhood and reckon you can drink whatever you want and smoke whatever you want: being well behaved and cutting back on all of those toxins DOES have an impact. If you and your lady are thinking it'd be nice to have a mini-me of your own in a year or two you need to start looking after your health and start tweaking your lifestyle now, and I'm not just talking about cutting back the booze and stopping the fags, I'm talking about vitamins, diet and stress - every aspect of your lifestyle can affect your fertility. Whatever you do don't take your fertility for granted as if you lose it, it can be quite an effort to get it back and before you know it you're off down to your local hospital to have fertility tests. Trust me chaps, ladies are used to getting their foofs checked out but lets face it - you men have issues chatting about your emotions let alone having to get your swimmers analysed by your local NHS trust; if you have the power to do so this should be avoided if at all possible and it's only you chaps who can change that - this is one thing us ladies have no control over. Take it from someone who knows only too well how much anguish this can cause, don't leave baby making to the very last minute thinking you'll get pregnant straight away as that's not always the case (just because so and so did and they were hardcore ravers doesn't mean the same will happen for you), and if you're a lady then I don't even need to mention the dreaded biological clock... I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that three months of exemplary behaviour has actually done something good - that on top of generally winding down over the past 18 months has proven that it can be done, you get what you put in. High-five to the Hubster!
So, I'm signing off for today - next scan is in 10 days time (25 January) and if all is on track, it'll be systems go, go, go! Until then I'm moving on to the 2nd track on my IVF belief CD, I'm keeping positive and taking the side-affects in their stride.
Catch ya later :)
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