If you've got an itch... Scratch it

Day one of stimulation (yes - day one!)

There are two intros to this blog entry - below is the one I started writing at 5:22am on Saturday 22 March 2014

I'd forgotten what it feels like: insomnia. And I'm feeling really hot, not sexy hot, more like I am going to combust hot. Could this really be a side affect of the Gonal F this early on in my cycle? You see we started again last night (well this week to be precise - it started with an endometrium scratch on Monday - start reading from the intro I wrote on Thursday evening for more on that). Work seems to have taken over my life recently so I haven't had a chance to blog and let you kids know what's been going on. Trust me, a serious amount of shizzle has been going on over the past few weeks (too much for this blog) and suddenly I find myself on the stimms, feeling like I've fast-tracked my way right up to the business end of proceedings of our much anticipated next round of IVF. So let me tell you what's been happening this week and how on earth we are only two weeks from egg collection.

Intro two - written on Thursday 20 March 2014 - I shall pick up now from where I left off!

Did the title of today's blog entry make you think eh? Thought so. I only ever tend to scratch an itch, but this is a fertility related blog so that must mean that having a scratch must be some form of newfangled treatment that can help a woman like me get pregnant. So when my lovely (and rather dashing) consultant James Nicopoullos from the Lister Fertility Clinic said that an endometrium scratch could be the answer to our implantation problems I enthusiastically had one done.

Here's a word of warning ladies: IT BLOODY HURTS... A LOT. 

Don't be naive like I was and think it won't hurt. When it comes to any fertility related procedure that involves your cervix and a catheter there is going to be some degree of discomfort. That's not even taking into consideration a speculum and a clamp on your cervix. If you are told there may be some 'mild cramping' you know it's gonna hurt. I take ibuprofen for period pain so I really should have been better prepared and dosed up on some before I went in. Period pain sucks, and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, I felt every little scratch of that catheter in my womb - ouch. I was told that I was very brave as I didn't flinch once - a little tear did escape however. I then had some serious cramps for the rest of that day and generally felt crap. Boo.

Endometrium scratches are generally carried out on day 21 of a 28 day cycle, or roughly half way through your luteal phase. I have a 32 day cycle so I had my scratch on day 27 (8 days post ovulation), meaning I would have been due to start stimms next Tuesday. However, I got my period four days early - that's only two days post-scratch so I had a mild panic, called the Lister and they booked me in for a scan and injection training. I did my first jab at 10:45pm last night - so we've started.

YIKES!

I'm on a completely different cycle to my previous fresh cycle, not only is it a lot shorter but it's tailored to me with a lot closer monitoring by scans and blood tests - yes this costs more but this is reassuring. I'm on an antagonist protocol which means no down regulation. YAY! I'm on a much lower dose of the follicle simulating drug Gonal F than before, this should stop me getting OHSS which is fab as I never, ever want to feel that bad ever again. You see, when we went for our consultation on 3 March with James my AMH results came back 'through the roof.' The average for a woman my age is 15, mine was 43 which is amazing (I'm very chuffed). I also had a follicle count of 28 (and that's without any drugs), this all adds up to mean I have a decent ovarian reserve so this is all very good news.

The antagonist protocol involves another drug called cetrotide, this prevents the  luteinizing hormonal surge from causing ovulation. I have never used cetrotide before but it involves mixing a pre-filled syringe with a vial of powder and then injecting that along with the Gonal F from day six of your cycle. I'm back at the Lister next Wednesday for another scan and blood test to check oestrogen, progesterone and my LH levels and then the nurses should give me the green light to start cetrotide that night. All of this means that in roughly two weeks time we should be having egg collection, and within three weeks I should hopefully have one or two mini-me's nestling into my womb. The endometrium scratch should ensure that I have a nice thick womb lining and the environment created as a result of the increase in white blood cells will hopefully mean my mini-me(s) will want to bed in. I don't really understand how it works but evidence suggests that it does improve pregnancy rates in IVF patients. 

So it's been a full on week. My amazing Hubster and I have had to pull together and work as a team to try and resolve a rather delicate situation not concerning our fertility treatment, and I said goodbye to my Bessie her lovely Hubster and Little Buddha. Yesterday was an emotional, full on day so maybe that's why I'm in the living room writing my blog at 6:33am on a Saturday morning? I'm not sure. I had a very cathartic cry last night but I'm in a very good place - crying is good - it's a massive stress reliever so do not worry about me. Before we started on our journey again I wanted my Hubster and I to be strong and calm and ready. We are all of that and I am so proud of us - the progress we have made is to be commended, IVF splits many couples up but if anything, the past 18 months have made us stronger. I am so going to miss my Bessie and Little Buddha but they are off on an amazing adventure travelling around Europe in their beautiful brand new VW campervan (affectionately named Terrance). And they're not far, Skype and Whatsapp mean they are a moment away, but I'm still going to miss them so that's why we're going to meet them somewhere hot in Europe for a holiday when we are done with our treatment cycle. So it really isn't that bad, I just hate goodbyes and yesterday was an action packed day.

It is time to concentrate on the next four weeks, nothing else matters, even my crazy ridiculous workload is going to have to take a back seat. Because it's time for us to make some mini-mes again and this is our top priority, we've saved hard for this and I don't want to have any regrets. I will most certainly keep you guys updated on our journey, but for now I can feel my eyelids drooping (finally) so I'm going to try and go back to sleep - let's hope this insomnia is a one off.

Na night x

La La Land...

I wish I was rubbish with dates.

This time last year I was one day post embryo transfer and convinced my mini-me was going to stick - on the same day in 2014 one of girlfriends has given birth to a beautiful baby girl and I'm ok with that. In fact I'm really happy. That's the difference a year makes, I've learnt how to focus on the here and now after spending a lot of money on counselling, acupuncture and holidays!

Sometimes I wish I could jump into La La land and forget the past year. I have been up and down this week, repeating silently in my head: 'I just need to get passed 12 February and I'll be fine.' I started off really low - I heard on Sunday that someone I know had a failed cycle and it made me cry really hard. Hearing about that just as I'm gearing myself up to deal with our anniversary of a failed cycle was tough - those emotions came flooding back - the heavy sick feeling and heartache. But the infertile learns to live with this. I know so many people dealing with infertility that you just have to 'man-up' and get on with it. In some warped way I wouldn't change a thing of the past 12 months; I much prefer the  2014 Jojo than the Jojo of 2012/2013.

• I'm calm - really calm.
• I'm positive about the future as I know that both my Hubster and I are the healthiest we've ever been.
• I'm a massive fan of green smoothies (more about that in my next blog).
• I'm focused - I know what I want and I'm going to do everything in my power to get it.
• I don't accept nonsense anymore - if you wanna see me, come see me. If you wanna talk, call me, engage with me, interact with me but please don't keep thinking this one-sided relationship is going to continue. You need to make an effort but I'm not going to be the one to make the first move all the time. It means I'm starting to lose contact with people, people I love but that's the way it is. If friends and family are reading this and you're thinking 'poop, she's talking about me' then you're probably right! I'm not cross with you, I miss you but I want you to make an effort for me, I'm focused on my little unit - this is where my energy is. I don't have the cash to spend on train tickets to visit - sorry about that. I would love you to call me or even send me a text :)
• And I'm excited as (gulp) - we're starting all over again - this is why I only have time for my immediate environment. I want to go to Ireland to visit family and see my Grandma but I can't afford it - I hope you understand Grandma? I want more than anything to see you, really I do so you make sure you hang around so when we do have the cash we can come and visit. One day I hope to put a great grandchild in your arms.

Forwards we go. We've been saving like lunatics to make it happen. A lot of people begrudge paying for IVF. My Dad nearly had a coronary when I told him we'll need about £8k in total for this round of treatment - but what cost do you put on the creation of life? And not just any life but my very own mini-me? We were lucky to get treatment on the NHS but now it is our turn to invest and we are going to pay for the best treatment there is available to us.

Sometimes I amaze myself at my resilience (most people will say I'm just stubborn). A couple of weeks ago I overcame a massive mental hurdle: I attended not one but two babyshowers in as many weeks - now that is what I call a challenge for the average infertile. What I have discovered is that my issue with babyshowers was all in my head, they're not THAT bad if you have the right friends. My Bessie had her babyshower in June last year - a few weeks after our FET cycle didn't work. I was in a right old flap about her baby shower. Most people who I spoke to about it told me not to worry and not to put myself through it, one person asked if I 'was able to be happy for my Bessie and just go - to put my own feelings aside for one afternoon?!' I know what was meant by imparting this advice, but it was my friends (and my own) happiness that I was in knots about. Maybe you have to have gone through pregnancy loss, or several IVF rounds to understand that this was about anything but not being happy for my Bessie, it was about dealing with grief and not wanting my grief to ruin a happy occasion. The most understanding person was my Bessie. Of course she was - that's why she's my Bessie! Cooing over baby things so close to a failed IVF cycle would have been horrific and I just couldn't face it so I did the right thing for me and hung out with my baby bro for the day instead. That was the right thing to do for all of us.

The birth of my Bessie's 'Little Buddha' was by far the most amazing thing to happen in 2013. I adore her, she is the most chilled out, alert, happy, smiley baby who loves her grub and knows who her Auntie Jojo is (as you can imagine - this really makes me smile - my heart could burst for the amount of love I have for my Bessie's baby girl)! She's six months old now and into everything, she will be walking by the time she turns one - she just wants to be in the midst of it all. I love hanging out with my Bessie and her mini-me, it is in fact my most favourite thing to do and I love playing with Little Buddha - she rocks my world and I think I might rock hers too.

The babies we had the showers for a couple of weeks ago are both here now - two gorgeous little baby girls. One arrived today, yet to be named. The other arrived a little earlier than expected but she is just perfect. It was the first babyshower that was the hardest - I cried before I went, Facetimed my Bessie looking like a bright red snotty mess, she stopped me crying, we had a chat, I considered not going but I sucked it up as I knew if I didn't go to that one I'd never go to another babyshower ever again. It was fine as my friends and her other friends are totes amazeballs. There was none of the usual girly-girls going mental over bibs, it was a group of women, hanging out over afternoon tea, some drinking wine, some sticking to tea, A LOT of cake and a lot of chatter and laughs - oh and we all gave the mum-to-be some gifts for her baby - nothing wrong with that, it was a lovely afternoon. 

Now when I  look at the gorgeous little faces of these two brand new beautiful baby girls and see how perfect they are (and unlike most people I don't think they look like Winston Churchill), I can see their parents features even when they are brand spanking new and I am filled with happiness. That's the difference a year makes. I invested in my emotions and I don't crumble when I see a new born. I did however cry today when I first saw 'yet to be named' daughter of one of my bestest girlfriends. Tears of joy and a very strong gut feeling that it will be me soon, sending my friends photos on whatsapp. It's an amazing thing and I am in awe of women - we are by the far the stronger sex! 

So after a attempting to distract myself by getting rather hammered with work colleagues a couple of weeks ago in-between babyshowers, hearing news of more IVF grief, dealing with my fist IVF anniversary and gearing up for 11 February which will be a year to the day when I knew in my gut that my mini-me hadn't stuck I'm actually pretty bloody good. Our consultation at The Lister is booked in, the Hubster and I have been on a tough journey but we are the So Solid Crew - tough, determined, solid, strong, optimistic and gosh - am I allowed to say it?

We're happy (if a little scared of what the future may hold).

We just need to focus on the here and now and what will be, will be. Take me to La La Land if you want but I think I'd rather be right where I am.

Laters x

2013 is over. Halle-bloody-lujah!

Hello there,

It's been a while since my last blog post, sorry about that. 2013 without a shadow of a doubt was a big fat pile of stinking poo and I am oh so glad to welcome in the New Year and all the hope and optimism that the start of a New Year holds.

Our optimism for 2014 was shattered at around 4am on 1 January 2014 by some nasty words from someone who we had only just started to get to know. I thought this woman was going to become a friend of sorts - I felt like she had nice vibes and although I don't always agree with her often controversial opinions my gut told me she was a good egg. Oh how wrong my gut was. I told this woman about our failed IVF attempts in the Summer and she gave the best reaction anyone has given - she hugged me. No words, just a massive hug - she seemed to know that was exactly what I needed and I was touched by her intuition, so her words in the wee hours of 2014 came as a shock. 

Despite blogging and being quite open with friends and family about our IVF journey it is still quite hard to talk about and is also something that I don't want to define me - I am so much more than a woman who has been trying to get pregnant for just over four years. As my Hubster and I decided to call it a night on NYE we went to say our goodbyes to our friends who we knew would try their hardest to convince us to stay. Upon saying goodbye to this woman she decided that we shouldn't be going home yet, she tried to get my Hubster to take his coat off - the usual shenanigans when one decides to leave early (when in a past life we were known for going the distance). Anyhow, the 'goodbye' quickly turned into some weird verbal assault on my wonderful Hubster. This woman who barely knows us decided to call my Hubster 'repressed' and then said that she would be 'having words with him later', whilst hugging him tightly and not letting him go. My brother-in-law and I looked on bemused, I tried to intervene but it seemed useless, she'd let go of him in a minute and then we could go home! Then, out of nowhere she pipes up ' you and Johanna need to accept that you'll NEVER have children.' 

EXCUSE ME? Who the hell do you think you are? Some form of oracle who has been granted the right to tell people their future? What is your agenda? What is your motivation for saying these things and why oh why are people duped into being friends with you? One good thing came out of your words: you have shown your true colours and my Hubster and I are glad to have started 2014 with you removed from our lives. 

This woman was privileged enough to be let in to our little world earlier this year - I told her about the pain, I explained that's why we don't go out partying anymore, that's why we keep our heads down and yes - it is why we're no longer the life and soul of the party as we have been grieving; IVF changes people who have had to go through it and not got the desired results but we're trying to live life to the full once again and have fun. We were delighted to stick two fingers up to 2013 and to welcome in the New Year. We'd just got our confidence and optimism back, we were full of joy, we were with our fabulous friends and and family who love us and were pleased to have us out celebrating with them and we were happy to be with them. And then this woman who I had trusted enough to tell her what we'd been through decided to project her negative, warped view of the world onto us. We left the party feeling sad, shocked, sullen and angry. But no more. She can keep her words, stick them where the sun doesn't shine and she can choke on them for all I care - we're not going to let her words ruin all the hard work we have done in repairing our souls in the second half of 2013.

That's the strange thing about infertility. Everyone has an opinion:

'Why don't you adopt?'

'Pray and God will hear your prayers and grant you a child'

'Just relax and it will happen' 

'Have you tried monitoring your cycle?' REALLY?! Are you REALLY asking me that?! For goodness sake - I know more about natural family planning than most doctors and I know the workings of my body better than anyone. 

Here's my reply - keep your thoughts to yourself please. It's actually none of your business so hush your beak, you don't really know the ins-and-outs of our situation and have no right to comment. Don't tell us to relax or just forget about it. It's akin to the itch you get just after receiving a mozzie bite - it can't be ignored and has to be scratched. Relaxing doesn't stop the urge to have a baby and it doesn't help conception.

OR some nasty people decide to tell you:

'You'll never have children.'

To the woman who said these words to us: How dare you inflict such negativity on us. How dare you. My husband is far from repressed, if you want to have 'words' with him you have to get past me first, hurt a member of my family again with your words or actions and you will rue the day you ever met me.

What does help a couple working their way through the land of IF is love, compassion, laughter, a shoulder to lean on and support. Bring on a year full of positivity, hope and love. 

My lovely brother-in-law responded to this vitriol with heartfelt love; his words touched our hearts and they have been echoed by all our friends and family who heard what happened. He told us that we'd be great parents one day, and I believe him. We are blessed to have loving friends and family in our lives. Thank you for being our rocks - we love you all very much x

Bring on the down regulation...

One day till down regulation

Tonight I shall drink a glass of red wine or two or three.
Tonight I shall scoff loads of seriously yummy food and not care if I'm eating more carbs as opposed to protein.
Tonight I'm going to try and remember what the Hubster and I were like before before we embarked on our journey to the land of IF.
Tonight I am going to sleep like a baby in my bed and wrap myself around my duvet in the knowledge that I'm not going to overheat.
Tonight I shall be headache free.
Tonight I'm not going to be anxious.
Tonight I'm not going to flap or fret about the next seven or so weeks.
Tonight I am re-reading my blog entries from earlier this year with a slight sense of trepidation.
Tonight I am relishing an injection free night as tomorrow night marks day one of down regulation - BRING IT ON!!!

The Hubster and I finally had our joint counselling session last week and unlike the ones I have been to by myself this one really choked me up. Going for counselling at the assisted conception unit seems a bit wrong to me - that place is full of baby-related stuff: scans, nurses, hospital gowns, swimmer collection rooms, egg collection theatres, embryo transfers and its where our mini-mes are frozen - it's just so RAW. The counsellor there is lovely, I really clicked with her and so did my Hubster. What caught me off guard and stunted my speech was being asked "when did you lose your baby?" Wow. To finally have someone speak to me so honestly with the acknowledgement that yes - I lost my baby...  and no, I'm not over it which made both the Hubster and I think: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING? 
WHY? 
WHY? 
WHY are we doing this again so bloody quickly when both of us are blatantly not ready for it? I have been warned, if this cycle doesn't work then not only will I be dealing with the three and half years of trying and not conceiving, but also the loss of our baby in February and then the loss of not one but two mini-mes. Seriously, we must be off our rockers? If this doesn't work then I don't know if I'll ever find the old me again, I'm not sure I'll be able to fix us (but I don't have choice really do I?)

BUT I can give you the answer to my questions: we want more than anything to be pregnant, we want to me a Mummy and Daddy and we know we will be bloody brilliant parents. All my fear is quashed under our teeny 20% chance of becoming pregnant. I've decided not to listen to the statistics - I was told I had a 60-70% chance of success on our last cycle and it didn't work so in my head - with two mini-mes being transferred we have just as much chance as anyone. I don't tend to take the easy path with anything so why should this be any different?

So from tomorrow onwards we're back to the injections, I'm off to see Elise (who I am sticking with - it's not practise in the counselling world to have more than one counsellor but I didn't want us to miss our joint appointment at Kings), I'm 100% off the booze, I'm back to listening to my IVF belief CD and I'm waiting for the side affects to kick-in. They took about four days last time round, I have one of my best friend's hen-do this weekend, that is on day five... I'm anxious about being teary, having hot flushes, getting headaches and just not wanting to be there, I'm anxious about watching all my friends get hammered whilst I stay sober - thank goodness for my Bessie being pregnant - both of us are (or were) THE party starters - oh how times have changed! I'm still funny in big groups where you are supposed to be having fun so I'm a bit worried about Saturday - I don't think I'll be my usual up-for-it self but I'll sure as hell give it a go. It'll be my first sober hen-do so we'll see how my stamina goes, it'll be good prep for the wedding as this will be around embryo transfer time - I do pick my moments hey?!

So that's it from me for tonight - I'm going to enjoy my last injection free evening for a good while - let the positive vibes commence, may the chemical menopause symptoms be gentle on me and may all my worry about my heart shattering into a million pieces again be put to rest. From this day onwards for our second cycle - PMA will prevail.

Catch ya later :) x

Where's your head at?

Well I'm back, after a six week break from blogging; not only are the Hubster and I back on the quest to make a mini-me, but I feel like my head is almost back in the room (but even I'm the first to admit I have my moments - this week was challenging to say the least. I blame the crazy Libra full-moon for some strange goings-on but not everyone agrees with my belief that the moon can do strange things to people).

Pregnancy loss is not nice; not having something tangible to grieve over means that some people think you recover quickly and also find it hard to fully understand what you're feeling. What's more after embryo transfer you are considered PREGNANT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE (PUPO). You have a personal responsibility to treat your blastocyst as an implanted, developing embryo - you have a responsibility to behave like you're pregnant and this isn't an issue as you want it so much. What is shockingly hard is coming to terms with is NOT being pregnant. 

I've been devouring a great book called Navigating the Land of IF (IF is the online acronym for infertility - infertility is full of acronyms - it takes a while to learn them all) by Melissa Ford. The way she writes really appeals to me; she says it how it is and I think this is a vital read for all of you who have found yourself on the Land of IF and if you have friends who are going through it then I also recommend you have a read - you'll soon discover those tit-bits of advice you give with good intentions normally have the opposite affect. EG: saying "I can feel it in my bones, this cycle is going to work for you" doesn't help - all we can do is hope, how your bones feel has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I'll conceive (and how were your bones feeling during my failed cycle? Could you feel my cycle not working then or did your bones give off the wrong signal? You can see the futility of such a comment now I bet?) Anyhow - she describes exactly how invested a couple are in IVF, both emotionally and financially - so much so that I want to show you an excerpt from her book where she explains the financial point to non-iffers (non-iffers are those of you who are fertile and live on the mainland). I think the financial point also illustrates quite clearly the emotional investment as well:

What if, during your eighth month of pregnancy, you were told by your obstetrician that in order to get the baby out, you would have to shell out the equivalent of a year of college tuition?

"But I thought I'd have eighteen years to save!" you'd exclaim, staring down at your belly, where the child you've been dreaming about for the last eight months waited.

Alas, you need to cough up the cash ... immediately.

You somehow gather together and fork over the money, but your doctor stares at the wad of cash and says, "Sorry. I guess I wasn't clear. This money is just for me to think about it. You'll need to come up with double this to get me to  actually do anything."

Once again, committed to having a child, you pull together the money ... only to discover that there are more hoops, more bills - and not one of the payments you make will result in the absolute promise of a live child

By the time you're ready to enter treatments or adoption, you - like those already expecting - are committed to the idea of parenthood. It's a strong impulse to procreate and/or raise children. Either you have that impulse or you don't, and if you have it, it is not something you can talk yourself out of or fulfill with a puppy.

Melissa Ford, Navigating the land of IF - Understanding Infertility and exploring your options, pg 26, Seal press, California, 2009.

So while many of my friends who have found themselves pregnant are twitchy and panicky during their first trimester and wondering what the hell they have gotten themselves into - are they ready to be parents? Their age says they bloody well should be but they didn't expect it to be that easy... Coming to terms with the new life that is growing inside of them I don't doubt is a head fu*k, of course it is, but us Iffers are already one step ahead of them emotionally - we're ready to be parents NOW, it just so happens that it isn't that easy for us. So being PUPO then finding out that you're not pregnant is like being sucker punched, winded, broken... The urge to become a Mum is so strong in me, that despite not really feeling ready to start all over again, my heart is over-ruling my head and I am back with both feet firmly in the IVF process - this time with Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), although this time I'm not excited: I'm wary, apprehensive, cautious and overall I'm scared. Scared of my heart shattering again, but the Hubster and I want more than anything to be pregnant, IVF is not for the feint hearted. I've heard that after a failed cycle you're never truly ready for the next one - you just get on with it - it's all to do with the strong impulse to be a parent.

It seems like a lifetime ago that I was howling, I entered a very dark place, so dark in fact that rather than wait for my one counselling session provided by the NHS (which I am still waiting for) I took matters into my own hands and am now paying to see a "head doctor." My head doctor - Elise is registered with the British Infertility and Counselling Association (BICA) - this is why I chose her. During my dark place (which I still have half a foot in) I started to have panic attacks, I've managed to reign most of them in with controlled breathing and just stopping whatever it is that I'm doing and having some rescue remedy  but anything can set me off: not being able to find my keys in the morning, going to a party where I'll need to speak to people who will ask me "what've you been up to Jojo?" As you might've guessed I'm quite an open person, I'm also a shocking liar so any attempt at telling a fib and I go a particular shade of crimson and get the sweats... I also can't bear not being in control, I hate not knowing what I am doing when and what is expected of me, it makes me feel uneasy - I've always been like this to some extent, I'm just a little worse nowadays - I find this very disconcerting. I've always known I'm a control freak when it comes to certain things but our recent IVF loss has exacerbated my typical feelings of insecurity. Normally I can reign these feelings in but even telling you all about this anxiety is making my heart rate increase, I then internally chastise myself for being silly and then of course - the anxiety gets worse - it's a vicious circle so you can understand why I had to do something about these feelings hey?

Gone is the vivacious, chatty, confident Jojo of old, replace her with a timid, tongue tied, hand twisting angry little girl. That's what our failed IVF cycle did to my head. At a very good friend's birthday party less than two weeks since it all went wrong a well meaning friend who has a wonderful little boy as a result of IVF insisted on talking to me about IVF, and she just wouldn't shut up. She was like a wood-pecker who kept peck, peck, pecking. Despite telling her three times to stop and my wonderful sister-in-law telling her to stop she just wouldn't let it go until on the third time I told her I was visibly in pain and on the verge of tears. Apparently I need to go to Spain as the clinics are sh*t here - no they're not, they're amazing and they've already made us five mini-mes, one of them just didn't fancy sticking. I was a mixture of angry, intimidated, shy and all I wanted was to say beam me up Scotty and to find myself in my PJs, tucked up nice and safely in bed. Instead I found myself sobbing in the loo feeling too timid to come out and have fun. Party animal Jojo was no more, I just wanted to curl up and cry - someone who has been through IVF should know full well that your first public outing after a failed cycle is quite a big deal and one where compassion and love is needed; it's not an opportunity to dissect your failed cycle.

So, I've taken back some control and I'm getting some help dealing with how I feel - I've worked out the hard way that infertility is a tough island to find yourself on, I knew it was a tough place to be before I landed on the island of IF, but I never really understood what it was like. Everything is out of your control and for a control freak it's a rather tricky thing to get your head around. So I'm taking control of my emotions by going to counselling. Being in control is something that is central to my feeling ok - my counsellor and I have worked this out together quite quickly so she's helping me control my emotions and to find an outlet for them. Sudden bursts of anger and frustration can hit me without any warning and some things really annoy me (more than usual) - I'm working on managing these outbursts! She's also advised me to take control of aspects of my life that are 100% in my hands and the main thing that has been a source of stress is debt and my finances.

I'm taking control of my finances by clearing my debt and I'm a heartbeat from being debt free for the first time in my adult life. I can't tell you how amazing that feels; debt is BAD for the soul and it really annoys me how socially acceptable it is nowadays to be up to your eyeballs in debt, we all blame the bankers for the state of the economy but is it the bankers' fault that a lot of us have whacking great big overdrafts and several credit cards maxed out? No it's our own greed and inability to budget and save - it's not big and it's not clever, in fact it's stupid. I know the economy is up the creak without a paddle but it's about time we all started to take responsibility for our situations and take control of our expenditure, if you spent the money then it's your own fault (it took me a good while to learn that - in fact it's taken the majority of my adult life to work that conundrum out). I hate seeing all of my salary go on paying back creditors and I can't wait for when it's all gone (nearly there - the last student loan payment has been paid - now to clear the teeny-weeny bit that is left, then I'll be free and in a position to save for things rather than saying "sod it, I'll whack it on my credit card.") If you're in debt then my best piece of advice to you is to sacrifice and get yourself out of it, that £3000 overdraft you have ain't gonna clear itself and the dreaded bank could withdraw it without any warning. Knowing that I've finally cleared 99% of my debt is liberating. This is one of the main benefits of making yourself fertile (other than making a baby of course), you actually realise how much money you wasted on nights out that you can't fully remember; you no longer feel crap for the first half of the week only to get clubbers' lurgy for the second half. Feeling healthy and taking control of my finances is one thing I'm sticking to, I feel great (and people I haven't seen in a while are commenting on how well I look - fancy that?!) 

I want to be able to cope, be chilled, I don't want to be angry, I want to be pregnant and my hope is starting to come back. I want to be in control of what I can control and I'm starting to except that there are certain things I can't control, such as whether my two defrosted mini-mes are going to a) survive defrosting and b) whether they'll implant. No one can control that - not even the clever doctors and scientists, I just need to continue doing what I'm doing and looking after myself and hope for the best. As that's the best my wonderful Hubster and I can do is hope. We're getting there slowly.

I still have my moments however, certain things wind me up more than ever:

Anger towards our funding: this quite upset and shocked me - another Iffer who paid for her treatment who (as Melissa Ford would describe it) has left the island of IF and has joined the mainlanders after a successful first cycle that resulted in twins. Upon telling her that our funding covered medicated FET she unleashed a wrath of anger in a text that I wasn't ready for, that the NHS "took all her money." REALLY?!?! I have never known for the NHS to forcibly take money from us - we pay our taxes and when we're poorly we go and get treated be that at the doctors or hospital - most of the time for free. Yes, sometimes (unfortunately and often unfairly) some people don't qualify for free fertility treatment but the NHS doesn't take your money to pay for it, you opt to pay for your treatment, that is your choice. I will save and pay for whatever treatment the Hubster and I require once our funding has been depleted; I feel lucky to have funding but don't begrudge me for getting treatment when you have what you want - your babies (and you didn't have to experience what IVF loss is like - you're VERY lucky). I'd cough all the money up and some this very instant if I was guaranteed a baby at the end of it but as the excerpt above states, money / no money / emotional investment etc - there are no guarantees when it comes to IVF and I tell you what, whether you pay for your treatment or are lucky enough to receive funding - it doesn't make the pain easier to handle if your cycle doesn't work - I would never wish that pain on anyone. What REALLY annoyed me about this anger was if this person actually qualified for funding, neither her or her other half would've been able to quit smoking (a prerequisite of IVF treatment on the NHS and rightly so), their cycle worked first time and no real effort to stop smoking was made once pregnancy was achieved ... Why exactly should the NHS fund such treatment if you're not going to jump through the required hoops to get free treatment when there are others who remain infertile despite treating their bodies like temples? GRRRRRR!

Another thing that riles me right up is people that say: "you're so lucky you don't have kids." If you think this stupid bloody comment is supposed to make me feel better then you really are a dumb-ass. Lucky?! REALLY? Check page 96 of Melissa Ford's response to such nonsense - if anyone says this to me then they can expect to be on the receiving end of a hard punch to the face! I also hate it when people whine about losing their evenings as they have kids to feed and put to bed, and then work to do due to their job (which they're probably moaning about as well as it doesn't pay enough and they have to work too many hours) - that was your life choice so why don't you just shut up or take responsibility for your situation and change it?

So - as you can see, my tolerance levels aren't what they used to be! I still have my moments of anger but I do feel the anger I have is justified - I just prefer the happy me and not the angry me. I've started running again which is really helping me sort this out (as well as seeing Elise), I've also started making bread! Odd I know but I'm quite obsessed about it now - it's very satisfying so I strongly recommend you go out and buy a bread maker!

What's next then: I've started the first phase of down regulation so I'm on microgynon again. Those of you who have been following my blog will know that I seriously hate being on this pill, it does funny things to me. Then as with my last cycle I start the down regulation jabs - oh boy - I can't wait for those fun and games to start again but at least I know what to expect this time round. Once I've shut down I then start on estrogen as opposed to the gonal-f stimulation drugs - I'm quite pleased about this, the thought of getting OHSS again is horrid. The estrogen is to make sure my womb lining thickens nicely so I should quite like that feeling I imagine, then our two best surviving mini-mes are defrosted - these are 4BBs (see my previous post on grading embryos for an explanation), hopefully they'll both survive, be transferred and you never know - they both might implant (but I'm not going to make the mistake I made last time round and start thinking I'm pregnant with twins - trust me, I've learnt my lesson this time round).

So, after a long blogging break I'm back with a vengeance. To help keep me sane I repeat the lyrics of Basement Jaxx's Where's your Head at? One of my all time favourite tunes - why don't you have a listen?

Catch ya later :) x

Roar, roar, roar

Let's just get one thing straight: I'm NOT over the IVF thing ok!

Two throw away comments yesterday reduced me to a howling, snotty, angry mess last night, and they came from people who should know better. Just because I'm trying VERY HARD to get on with my life, to be positive and happy, it does not mean that I'm over it - far from it. Those two stupid comments have made me feel like I've taken a step backwards and I once again have that heavy, suffocating feeling. I'm writing this on the train into work and I just want to turn back and head straight for my duvet.

My lovely, darling, amazing Hubster decided to share a how to get pregnant tip with me last night: a chap he knows whose wife got pregnant in no time at all (I swear she just looked at his willy and she was up the duff - women like that really p*ss me off right now - I told you - I'm feeling angry!) Anyhow, this chap shared a sex tip with my Hubster yesterday and for some reason unbeknownst to me; my Hubster shared this tip with me. After sex, if I raise my hips and do bicycle legs for 15 minutes, I'll get pregnant! REALLY?!?! Well why on earth didn't someone share that nugget of information with the world ages ago? It would've saved thousands of women like me all the hassle and inconvenience of daily injections, hot flushes, mood swings, insomnia, OHSS, egg collection, having your foof on display for what feels likes all the world to see, fake pregnancy symptoms and then the heart-break and emotional trauma of a nasty, heavy painful period.  

Well knock me down, why didn't you tell me that before I decided to put myself through hell with IVF? Jeez, if I knew that the bicycle legs made that much difference, not only would I have amazingly toned legs but I'd also have a brood of mini-mes driving me demented!

Infertility is about so much more than post-coital bicycle legs. So here's my warning, do not insult me by giving me shonky advice such as that: IT DOESN'T HELP! I've tried every goddam trick in the book (although not the bicycle legs I must admit).

• Pee sticks to monitor ovulation
• Checking if I have egg white cervical mucus every month so I know when the Hubster and I need to get jiggy
• I don't get shitfaced every weekend
• I eat healthily
• I take nine, yes nine different vitamins/minerals every day (some even get a double dose) - see below for pictorial evidence
• I quit the fags (best move I've ever made)
• I'm quite fit and go to the gym (admittedly I'm yet to go this year but me thinks I've had a decent enough excuse don't you?)
• And yes - I stick my legs up in the air after a bit of jiggy if you must know. 

Argh - you have no idea how angry I am today - no idea what damage stupid comments like that can do to my recovery. I shouted angry tears at my Hubster yesterday as he unwittingly told me this tip - my poor Hubster - it's not his fault - he's the last person I want to hurt in all of this. 

It's all so raw what I'm feeling and despite my honest blog people still tell me their stupid tit-bits of advice - just because they got pregnant in no time at all - well bully for you - aren't you the lucky ones? Anyone who thinks I am over the IVF can think again. This time last week I could barely drag myself out of bed, I was bleeding so heavily I had to change pads every two hours (yes - I had to go back to the days of being a teenager and use pads - thank goodness for always ultra is all I can say - but every two hours is ridiculous - that is how heavy and painful my failed IVF cycle was). I was convinced I was pregnant; our referral to Kings ACU happened over a year ago, my due date would've been 23 October 2013. So you see in my head I should be pregnant now and complaining about morning sickness but I'm not, how on earth do you expect me to be over it that goddam quickly?

So despite everyone thinking I am strong and amazing for sharing this with the world, I in fact feel weak. I want to hit and punch and scream. I'm trying oh so hard to be happy, and jolly and positive but be mindful of what drivel comes out of your mouth when you speak to me. Just because I'm trying to be happy and have a positive outlook, it doesn't mean I'm in a good place emotionally. Whilst Googling "emotional impact of failed IVF" I stumbled across a blog entry that articulates VERY well how a woman feels after a failed IVF cycle, this lady hits the nail on the head and I encourage you to have a read. If you have a friend who is going through IVF and it doesn't work out take care of her heart - she needs you more than you realise, even if she doesn't answer your calls, just knowing that you are there is enough. The IVF roller-coaster doesn't stop the moment you have to face the reality of not being able to get pregnant even with all the help of very clever scientists; I actually think this is when the real roller-coaster starts as you're unable to blame the hormones that you willing pump into yourself, it’s just your emotions - give me down regulation over this any day - I at least had hope then, now I feel empty (and yes - I know I can have another go before you say anything).

Today I just want to hide. Today I want to cry gut wrenching tears that make you hyperventilate and make you sick. Today I am sad. Today I am heavy and I feel like I'm suffocating with grief. Tomorrow is another day and I hope I don't feel as bad as I do today. Thank goodness for small mercies such as a backlog of work I need to catch up on - I need as much distraction from this pain as I can get.

What a difference a week makes

It's a week since I first realised that our first IVF cycle had ended with a nasty, heavy, heartbreaking period. In retrospect, not having the opportunity to use one of the eight pregnancy tests I'd bought compounded my woe. Life just isn't fair: FACT.

BUT there is a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

I won't lie, last week was hell on earth, I have no idea how I would've gotten through it if it wasn't for my wonderful Hubster. He really is my rock. I pretty much lost the power of speech and found myself only being able to speak to him or my bessie Emma. My bessie is expecting her first baby, we were all 200% convinced that our IVF cycle was going to work as I'm so healthy and our issues are with the Hubster; my bessie and I were soooooo excited about having our babies together and going on maternity leave together. I guess it just wasn't meant to be this time round.

My other wonderful friends have been persisting with the missed phonecalls and texts, I just haven't had the strength to speak to them. Texting, emailing even blogging are easier than actually speaking about it. Today is the first day since it happened that I haven't woken up with the choking, heavy hearted, suffocating feeling, and I finally felt strong enough to go back to work.

I am feeling angry though.

Very angry.

I'm angry at myself for truly believing I was pregnant when I obviously wasn't. I'm angry at myself for not listening to words of advice from friends who have also experienced IVF loss: the drugs screw with your body more than you realise. I'm angry at the doctor who pulled rank and did the transfer with the new, softer catheter - if the lovely Indian lady doctor had done the transfer as planned would my mini-me now be a permanent fixture? Who knows but what I do know is that this anger isn't going to do me any good so I'm dealing with it - anger turns to hate and I don't want to hate.

I've received so many lovely kind messages from all of my friends and I'm really glad that they weren't the type of messages that I didn't want to hear - apart from one. A friend who I had started to drift apart from replied to a text I sent the weekend prior to us finding out the IVF hadn't worked. I told her about my heartbreak and sorrow (it was very, very raw for me last Wednesday), given how I felt her response knocked me for six (and I'm still reeling from it). Having spent the day howling and knicker checking, feebly trying to cling on to my PMA - getting a message that said I shouldn't let it rip me apart, I need to chin up, this could take years and I should take up yoga and have a hot bath did not help. I'm not sure what she was thinking when she sent that message but there was zero empathy in that message, zero understanding about what grief is; in my opinion it's an illustration of why we have drifted apart as friends. How anyone can think that telling your (apparent) friend in her time of sorrow and heartbreak to chin-up, this might take years would be of any comfort is beyond me? Think it by all means but have the tact not to actually say it. Her response baffled me and I still can't work it out. IVF is much, much more than a few injections - it is a process where you put all of your eggs in one basket and when it fails, you can feel the hope being ripped out of you, and the pain is horrid. 

So - what next?

I went back to work today and my lovely colleagues kept me well stocked in tea, chocolate and giggles - just what the doctor ordered. Yesterday was the first day since it happened that I didn't cry, I did cry today - but only briefly. I'm starting to feel strong enough to face the world again and to contemplate what my Hubster and I will do next with regards to making a mini-me... Obviously we will try the traditional method :) We're both so healthy at the moment the Hubster's super swimmers may find their way to one of my eggs all by themselves - wouldn't that be amaze balls?!?! I'm back on the agnus castus to help encourage ovulation and to help get myself back on track asap - a batch of 30 pee sticks are winging their way to me so I'm ready and waiting to get tracking my cycle again. I'm going to throw myself into the gym - having stopped running to help with fertility issues two years ago I've decided that I need to start running again, it makes me feel amazing and I need all the endorphins I can get my hands on.

Our follow up is 14 March - I'm writing my questions down so I can make sure I know what we can do for our frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle. I think this will be natural with a only a few HCG shots and progesterone pessaries so I guess it will be easier for us to handle? I want to know how many embryos they defrost at once? What if all of them are defrosted, they all survive and I can only put one back in - what happens with the rest? It seems every which way you turn with IVF you have more questions, questions, questions...

Till next time you lovely lot, to all of you who have left me kind, heart warming messages - thank you. Your love is helping me heal and although I didn't think it last week - positivity is the way forward - you've all helped me remember just how strong I am. To my wonderful friend Mel in Jersey - thank you for our delicious chocolate brownies - I can't wait to give you a big fat hug when I see you next week. All of your support has been phenomenal - you've made me feel strong when I've needed it most. And to my two other friends who have also had failed cycles pretty much within a week either side of my failed cycle - keep the faith - 2013 is our year.

Catch ya later :) x