Ready or not...

In T minus 11 hours the Hubster and I will be at King's ACU; I'll be sedated, in theatre having my eggs harvested: OH MY GOD!!!

Breathe Johanna, breathe!

Normally I am getting my jabs ready around about now (started writing at 7:30pm in case you were wondering about the time lapse), but not tonight - I did the last one of those bad boys last night - happy days. The last buserelin, doo-lally jab was dispatched at 18:45, the one and only HCG trigger shot was done at 21:03 - exactly 36 hours before egg collection.

The last buserelin (doo-lally) jab

The one and only HCG trigger shot box that has been sitting in my fridge for just over three months

And the pre-loaded injection pen - natural at this jabbing malarkey now!

As promised the HCG trigger shot has "made me feel like crap."  I woke up this morning looking like I was five months pregnant from all the bloating, my ovaries have been aching (particularly when I have to go for a pee), I've been feeling very nauseous - happy days. The bloating does have a bonus, I was offered a seat on the way to work twice this morning (and I took both of them; I'm near enough pregnant eh?!) Only time will tell of I get full-blown OHSS, fingers crossed I'm through with the side affects.

So tomorrow is D-day, we're up nice and early, I will have to get to grips with yet another glamourous side of IVF, the anal suppository that I have to insert an hour before I leave - oh yeeeaaaaah! This forms the first part of the analgesia so I'm sure I'll be grateful for it when it comes to egg collection. Of course tomorrow is the day that the Hubster "gets to do his bit." I know this whole process is mainly about me but obviously the Hubster plays an absolutely vital role and gosh - he's going to have to perform under pressure tomorrow morning - I do feel a teeny bit sorry for him but then all the staff at Kings have seen this thing a million times before. So whilst the Hubster is doing his bit I'll be getting into my gown and getting ready for the intravenous injection of pethidine (a strong painkiller), and midazolam (a sedative) to make the procedure more comfortable.

With a bit of luck these follicles will have some nice juicy, ripe eggs in them ready for harvesting, that the Hubster has some super swimmers, and there is some serious fertilisation going on.

So that's it from me today as I need to try and get an early night. I'll update either tomorrow or Friday with how many eggs were collected and whether we're having IVF or ICSI (and I'll explain what the difference is).

Seriously exciting (but oh so scary stuff). It's all been leading up to this day - let's hope it's all been worth it. IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!!!

Catch ya later :) x

btw: this tune has been in my head all day: DJ Hype, Ready or Not - can't imagine why?! If you're into your d'n'b then you'll like this - enjoy :)

Stimulation overdrive...

Day 11 of stims

Yesterday was such a full-on, emotional day that I just didn't have the energy required to focus enough for a blog post, so here goes.

I was right - there has been a lot of activity going on downstairs as I have a whopping 26 follicles - whoop whoop whoop and my gosh - they're large! Not quite large enough for egg collection (EC) on Monday but it will be happening on Wednesday. However, this means that I am now at a high risk of developing OHSS - boo.  After my scan (which was fascinating) I saw one of the nurses (Laura) and she ran through with me when I would be taking my last buserelin and Gonal F jabs and what the scenario would be for either a Monday or Wednesday EC (and gave me an anal suppository for EC day - gosh this IVF shizzle is sooooo sexy eh?!) I then had to see a doctor, who ran through with us what all the risks are with OHSS and what would I like to do with regards to my treatment:

a) Cancel my treatment - NO WAY JOSÉ!!!
b) Freeze my eggs and then carry on with treatment at a later date - NO WAY JOSÉ AGAIN! The treatment options on the NHS aren't as generous as they used to be and with only getting one fully-funded full cycle on the NHS we're not doing that!
c) Continue with treatment - YES WAY!!!

Doc mentioned how healthy I am, said my womb lining looks nice and thick, the reason for my enthusiastic response is due to being so healthy so this is good. Nice thick lining is the way forward if I want a successful implantation - this is what all the co-enzyme q10 is for - to help encourage a succesful implantation.

However, my pains are going to get worse, when I take my HCG trigger shot at 9pm on Monday evening I'm going to feel crap afterwards (OHSS thrives under HCG), after EC I will feel momentarily better but my follicles will fill back up with liquid and I will start feeling like crap again and after embryo transfer (ET) and presuming pregnancy occurs - oh yes - I will feel even more crap! What happens (as explained in my previous post), after the ovaries start going a bit crazy and keep on producing follicles that keep expanding - (this is the cause of the pain - 26 follicles all around 18m in diameter each - how the hell is all of that fitting in my womb? No wonder I've been feeling uncomfortable?!) The follicles are filling with liquid, this can seep out into the abdomen (hence looking out for water retention and bloating), but this can also show itself in fat ankles, a shortness of breath, dark coloured pee, resulting in nausea and vomiting and God forbid a blood clot. If I get a lot of water around my tummy, I'll have a drain fitted and as long as we are comfortable changing the drain I can have this at home, worst case scenario I'll have to go into hospital. I have been reassured that at Kings they have only had to cancel one IVF cycle as a result of OHSS, and that as this is always treated it's not fatal. What is reassuring to know is that OHSS doesn't impact on the likelihood of IVF resulting in a pregnancy (nor does it harm a pregnancy), and the staff at Kings are going to be keeping an eye on me and will be calling me daily after EC to check up on how I am feeling.

So yesterday, the Hubster and I were buzzing with nerves but mainly excitement - I can't quite believe that after trying for yonks, jumping through hoops with the NHS to get treatment, and then lockdown we are finally here. To think that this time next week there could be oodles of mini-me embryos all dividing on a petri dish waiting to be transferred into my womb (baby-house - this is what I hope it will be known as for the next nine months). SO EXCITING!!!

I have never, ever wanted something as bad as I want this - please, please, please let it work. If you are reading this please pray to whatever deity rocks your boat that this works. I am most certainly going to mass tomorrow - I/we have never, ever wanted anything as bad as we want this - I need to start showing my face at mass more often anyhow so there's no better time to start than now in my opinion. The nurse said I am a textbook case so far and given our positive, cheery outlook and healthy living there is no reason why we won't be pregnant this time next month. She also said that the Hubster's swimmers improvement is "commendable!" How awesome is that?! We were told at the beginning of treatment we have 40% chance of success (which is high going by IVF standards - I think this must've improved with all of our healthy living?)

So I've spoken to work about the posibility of developing OHSS, I don't think it went in really but if I feel in the slightest bit squiffy I shan't be going in to work - this is too important. I do feel at the moment like I'm about to come on - my lower abdomen is very firm to the touch and I have been getting pangs in my left side by my left ovary - this makes sense as there are 14 follicles on that side (and by the feel of it as I am on stims now for another two days I wouldn't be surprised if more follicles rock up), my boobs have gone from being deflated a couple of weeks ago to being back to their pre-menstrual self - larger and a bit tender - so yes - I feel like I feel when I am about to ovulate. With regards to the foo'ju - I told the nurses they need to tell ladies this shizzle! Needless to say they cracked up - not everyone gets it apparently but still - I can't see the harm in forewarning ladies that they may get it?!

So exciting days ahead, in the meantime I need to keep an eye on myself, make sure I'm drinking lots of water and I need to monitor the colour of my pee. I know one person who has had OHSS as a result of IVF and she had to go into hospital and I know from her account that is excruciatingly painful. She did get two beautiful baby girls from her IVF stint (first go) though - Molly and Josie - they are gorgeous so it's worth it. Kids hey - what - us ladies go through to get them? A friend of mine and his wife are also having IVF, at Kings and their EC is on Monday, another friend I know has had just her fourth ET, another friend of mine has had several IVF journeys and is now going down the surrogacy route, a parent from my Beaver Scout group went through IVF seven times to get her lovely boy Jonnie and someone at work is currently expecting (and she has the most gorgeous bump - she is positively glowing) - her pregnancy is a result of her first IVF attempt. My point is that IVF and infertility needn't be the taboo that it is, it's more common than we think. I am convinced we will get pregnant - my friends are all popping babies out left right and centre at the moment and I'm not going to lie and say I don't find it hard as I do find it hard - very hard but this gives me hope; hope that our journey is going to be a short(ish) one by IVF standards and I am going to join my bessie mates and have a mini-me of my own.

I'm actually off to meet one of my bessie mates for brunch this morning so I need to get a move on - it's just us two this morning, her wee man (affectionately referred to as "The Dude") is hanging out with Daddy this morning whilst us girls chew the fat. Tomorrow marks 17 years to the day when I first clapped eyes on the Hubster so I may see if I can find him a little pressie to say thank you for being amazing (that means I have spent 50% of my life with my wonderful Hubster - eeek! We REALLY deserve a break and to be able to have our own family - 17 years shouldn't be sniffed at). We don't normally do stuff like that - spend lots of money on presents on anniversaries - that is NOT the key to a long-relationship: love, trust, laughter and honesty are, not excessive gift giving (but that lecture is for another time). BUT my lovely Hubster deserves a little something, even if it is a silly a present - just to say thank you don't you think?

I must dash - catch ya later :) xxx

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...

Day 9 of stims

I have oodles of things that I need to blurt out but I'm feeling a bit confuddled about how I start getting it out - maybe bullet points will help me focus? I'm rapidly approaching the climax of the fertility treatment, when the Hubster has to "do his bit" and I have to get harvested: ARGH!!! Right here goes with the focused bullet points:

• Lady pains...

Ok - so I have had full on pains going on downstairs - I would like to say it felt a bit like ovulation pangs but no, full on lady pains. This is a good thing - it means the Gonal F is doing what it is meant to do and my ovaries are kick-starting back into life. My IVF belief CD bangs on about my womb being a dormant tree bursting into life after winter - well I can tell you that is no longer the case - my follicles are growing like they're going out of fashion and this is the reason for the lady pains.

These pangs tend to make one paranoid about developing Ovary Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) - this is one thing I don't want to get. It's when your ovaries go a bit mental and start producing way too many eggs; it can make you very poorly and worst case scenario an ovary can rupture and kill you - yikes. Kings ACU are rather phenomenal and I have been hounding them this week with various questions. The three day headache, the lady pains and a bit of nausea are all signs that you're developing OHSS, but the real sign is water retention and serious bloating along with all of the above - this I don't have - the nurses reassured me that it just means that I'm kicking back into life and womb lining is getting nice and thick: get in!

• Chaps, you may not want to read this section... Lady bodily changes

Right - I haven't mentioned this in my previous entries but one of the things I noticed when I started down regulating, (and I've been debating whether or not I should write about it), was that my boobs seemed to deflate :( They just did not have their joie de vivre anymore. At the time this was the least of my concerns as I just felt so goddam crap - I could've had one massive boob and one teeny-tiny one for all I cared: deflated boobs were the least of my worries! Between hot flushes, tears, headaches, insomnia etc I had enough to try and handle let alone getting myself into a tizz about having to tighten my bra straps!

One of the side affects of injecting buserelin is foof dryness (see The Guide to Assisted Conception Services at King's for the technical list of side affects) - oh yeeeeeaaaaah - just to make you feel that little bit sexier: deflated boobs, mood swings, hot sweaty flushes, headaches, loss of appetite, insomnia, tears, exhaustion - yup - let's just add a dry foof to the mix to make you feel that little bit more feminine hey?! (Chaps I did warn you this bullet point was close to the bone!) Well fast forward to day 9 of stims and a complete 180º has occurred... 

Ladies, if you're trying for a baby and are monitoring when you ovulate you'll all be more than aware that one of the main signs that it's time for some hot lurvin' with the man in your life who you intend on procreating with is: egg white cervical mucus (or as I prefer to refer to it: foo' ju!) This is exactly as it sounds but stretchy - very stretchy. "The Sahara turns to the Nile" as my lovely friend Boki put it just a couple of moments ago! Now, this actually made me panic, I judge such bodily functions as a clear indicator that it's time to get back on the horse so to speak, so when I clocked foo' ju my first thought was "oh shit, what if I'm about to ovulate 20 eggs?" What with the Hubster's newly founded super-swimmers the irony wasn't lost on me that if this was the case there was a strong possibility that I may become pregnant with quads (quasi-naturally)! My rational head kicked in, I called Kings (again), and they told me this is a very, very good thing and its a sign of muchos follicles and no - I won't spontaneously ovulate, my eggs are only going to ripen once I have the HCG jab - phew!

So I've got it out - this shizzle has been on the tip of my tongue since I started this blog, but typical British prudishness took over and I thought there was no way I could put this out into cyberspace. BUT you know what? My opening paragraph of this blog stated I was going to give an open an honest account of what IVF is really like, and for that to happen - this needed to be put out there. I've been unable to find one single article anywhere that actually tells it how it is. You can drive yourself demented trawling through fertility forums trying to find out if egg white cervical mucus is "normal" when on stims, and all you get are thread upon thread of women who are exactly like me trying to find out if this is normal. Naturally, virtual friendships are formed on these forums but I've got enough friends and FB friends that I don't feel the need to forge new relationships online, I just want to know if what I was experiencing was normal.  I feel a need to be open and share my experiences (it's also a great stress reliever and it helps me categorise and file away what is happening to us - it helps me manage our journey and how it makes me feel). When the Hubster and I first started our IVF journey I was obsessed with research and filling my head with as much information as possible, but not once did I read anything about boobs deflating - ladies need to know this stuff so screw you British prudishness! Anyhow, back to my point - I eventually found enough blog entries to kinda put my mind at ease (I still called Kings), but there wasn't anything that cropped up that explained what this is really like. So if I've done one thing (other than make myself feel better through cathartic release), I hope that a woman somewhere on this earth has stumbled across my blog and felt reassured. 

So, it's 12 hours till scan day, getting all of this out has most certainly calmed me; I will be back tomorrow with an update... Do I have oodles of follicles that are at least 18mm in diameter or do I need to continue the daily doo-lally jabs that little bit longer? One thing is for sure, next week is harvest time - we just don't quite know when... Exciting, scary, nerve wracking... EEEEEEK! Think I'll be getting some good value IVF hypnotherapy CD action this evening!

Wish me luck, catch ya later, :) xxx

And the headache has gone: woo hoo!

If you have a three day headache that won't shift, go and get some co-codamol - right now I feel like the happiest woman on earth - the headache has finally shifted.

So I finally got to have some fun in the snow with one of my bessies Lisa and her two lovely girls, Emma & Charlotte - who says snowball fights don't cure headaches?! Ah this IVF malarkey ain't too bad after all :)

Catch ya later x

The Solent Court Snowman :)

My womb is like a tree, my head feels like a battering ram...

Day 6 of stims

Firstly massive apologies for keeping you all in the dark for the past few days - I ended on such a high note then I just disappeared! To be honest - I haven't had a good few days. A lot of people who have gone through IVF have told me that the stims phase is easier to handle than the down regulation phase but I'm not an advocate of that theory as I have felt so rough over the past few days... This blog entry has taken three days to write I've been feeling so rough - gutted as the snow arrived and I've only been able to play a little bit :(

View from Mr & Mrs C's living room - nice and pretty

Today I'm off sick, I really wanted to minimise the amount of days I had off sick due to IVF but this just couldn't be helped. I've had the mother of all headaches since I woke up on Saturday morning (that was day three of stims). It's a common side-affect of the Gonal F / FSH jabs apparently. I've tried pints of water, juice, paracetamol, ibuprofen, 4head, a bath, sleep (lots of sleep) and this headache wavers between being a mild, dull ache to being akin to receiving a wallop to the middle of the forehead; it's smack bang in the middle of my forehead and can rapidly change from being a headache to a full on migraine. So the hot flushes have stopped (woo hoo) but now I feel debilitated by a very bad head :( I decided yesterday that if I still had this headache I wouldn't be going into work as I need it to go and I'd be pretty useless at work feeling like this (even writing this blog is pushing it to be honest but I need to keep you all updated with what its really like - being a hormonal pin cushion - it's not always that good despite PMA).

Having just spoken to Kings the nurse said what I am experiencing is normal and I've just had a bad reaction, it should start easing today/tomorrow. But I've also read not to take ibuprofen as it can affect the lining of the womb so I'll stick to paracetamol - apparently I'm ok to take co-codamol so I feel a trip to the chemist coming on (via the park so I can crunch on the snow!)

Last week I managed to fall fast asleep on route to work and woke up in North London having missed Blackfriars by 25 minutes, I was very grumpy that day and snapped at a colleague and I cried with friends in the design team who fed me with biscuits and chocolate until I started giggling (natch). On that same day I managed to convince myself that the Hubster had had a car crash on his way home as it took him longer than usual to get home - queue hysterical tears as he didn't answer his phone - I was almost hyperventilating thinking I can't do this without him (obviously!) The Hubster was buying a variety of food in Sainsbury's in an attempt to get me to eat (as my loss in appetite has resulted in my losing 10 pounds - woo hoo - every cloud - don't flap - when I do eat is the healthy stuff and protein rich). Obviously the Hubster is fine and I was balling for no reason. The tears I am pleased to report have subsided (but they're still there), I just can't get rid of this headache...

So I've moved onto the second message on my IVF belief CD and I have to say - its awesome! I can't remember all of what it tells you but in essence, my womb is like a dormant tree at the end of winter, waiting for spring when it can do what it is supposed to do and blossom into life! I quite like that analogy but it's the second part of the message that I REALLY like. You have to get to the top of a very tall building - in my head I'm in a gherkin like building but its predominantly white as opposed to black and I get to the top by walking (well, gliding really as I make it to the top very quickly), then you see a large door and have to imagine what colour and texture it is. Again - this is brilliant white with tiles for the texture and there's a sign that says control room; when I open the door I'm met with loads of bright fluorescent panels with loads of buttons, dials, levers, flashing lights. This is my brain apparently - how awesome is that?!  I basically have a wee look at my brain and switch certain things on such as my ovaries - my ovaries have a bright pink neon background and a MASSIVE lever to switch it to ON; I must admit I rather enjoy pulling that lever! I also turn a neon orange dial for my womb lining to switch it from THIN to THICK - this positive visulation shizzle is cool - it's like being on the starship enterprise and I'm directing the path it has to take, and in essence that's what I'm doing - I'm telling my body to go into warp speed and to start producing lots of lady hormones that I am used to. I just wish the headaches would do one. 

Other things that I'm not loving at the moment include my tummy starting to get fed up of injections... Every time I do a jab now I'm bleeding and it hurts - ouch. I have been told I can do the jabs on my leg but I'd rather stick to my tummy and limit the discomfort to that area of my body please. Other things that are starting to get on my nerves are certain ladies saying: "ah, I know exactly how you feel." Mmmmmm, well unless you've gone through IVF then you haven't a scooby doo how I feel. So if you have a child that was conceived naturally then I'm sorry girlfriend - you don't know how I feel. Just because you are tired and your child is unable to stay asleep all night doesn't mean you know how I feel as you already have a child. I would love to get jiggy with the Hubster and discover two weeks later that I'm pregnant (which is what these ladies had to fortune to experience). Being told that I will continue to feel like shit throughout my pregnancy (fingers crossed that is the outcome; I have however met plenty of women who LOVED being pregnant and they didn't feel like poo and then had babies who slept eight hours a night from week three - not every baby and toddler has sleep issues but shall I just try and get to the baby stage first hey?) Being told that I will from this day onwards be tearful, be exhausted, have hot flushes and have headaches doesn't help thanks! 

225 units of FSH on a pre-loaded pen ...

Delivered via this needle ...

But the main thing that is REALLY getting my goat at the moment is having menopausal women think they are in competition with me re: who has the most extreme symptoms. Argh - do one will you?! Being told "ah, wait until you've got two kids, then you'll know what exhaustion is really like" or "I know how you feel Jo - I'm going through the same thing." EXCUSE ME? NO YOU'RE BLOODY NOT!!! What I find galling is women who love a good moan about how exhausted their children make them, particularly as they are just entering the menopause. Well sorry love, we don't feel the same - we are poles apart thank you very much, I'm putting myself through all of this in order to get a baby or two you insensitive twonk! My hormones are like this because my Hubster and I have been trying to make babies the traditional way for three years and failed, so I'm having to pump myself full of hormones (via daily doo-lally jabs which you really would make a song and dance over having to do if you were in my shoes), these bring on a shortened, condensed menopause over the space of 2.5 weeks. You on the other hand have been blessed with children and are just entering the menopause; I suggest you go and get some HRT, eat healthily and take supplements that help level you out, but do not compare what you are going through to what I am going through as seriously - if you really want a competition then I'm going to win, you have the family I crave so don't moan about your boisterous kids and going through the change; there's no competing when you think I'll be going through the menopause myself in about 15 years time (and I'd bet a whole Vatican Euro it's nowhere near as full on as down regulation) - so I get double the fun! It's not a competition so if you ask me how I'm feeling and I tell you please just listen, I'm more than happy to empathise with how you are feeling but don't compare your situation to mine unless you are having/have had IVF. 

These incidents of annoyance though are quite rare and you are able to keep them in check - I go back to thinking to my fluffy white cloud that deflects all stress and negative energy. If these ladies really do want to whinge then that's their decision - I no doubt will have a whinge about my children in the future but at the moment I'd just like to make a mini-me for the Hubster and I. Becoming a Mummy and Daddy is what we were made for and I seriously can't wait for that to happen so grumpiness, headaches, menopausal women and mothers of toddlers - all of these things do not deter me - it will be amazing when it happens.

So what I've been craving: snow has arrived and I've been confined to rest, this is very boring. A little play over the weekend was allowed but I'm contemplating a wee walk to the park later (if the head has cleared). In the mean time - check out some pix of the brand new Gonal F jabs. I've been jabbing myself for 22 days - today is day 23 so not much longer to go - please keep your pinkies and toes crossed that this goddamn MoFo of a headache does one asap so I can go make snow angels before all the snow melts.

Catch ya later :) xxx

One of the many boxes of Gonal F jabs currently occupying my fridge

And this is the treat you are met with - all of those needles for only four injections per pen?!

Stimulation time baby!

Day 17 of down regulation

I started writing this post at 4am mid-insomnia attack two nights back when I wasn't feeling too great. I decided to hold off publishing as I knew my first baseline scan was due and I was keeping my pinkies crossed that I might have good news to report.

Anyhow, the Hubster and I had a good giggle last night - having not eaten that much yesterday and having made several mistakes at work I decided that I needed to snap myself out of my melancholy and cook up a bit fat juicy chicken for dinner: it did the trick it - I inhaled every bit and the Hubster and I were on form.

We were talking about the forthcoming scan and what would happen next in our quest to make a mini-me, I admitted how nervous / scared / excited I am about egg collection day - admitting your fears is quite a hard thing to do - it's taken so long for us to get to this stage I'm not about to start asking any "what ifs?" I'm not even contemplating this not working, tackling that possibility is something I'm not willing or able to do right now and I don't think it's the right attitude to be honest - positivity is the only way for Mr & Mrs C. The Hubster on the other hand  was flapping about doing his forthcoming swimmer sample (not quite sure why - he's well practised in this swimmer sample shizzle) - in all honesty - we were hoping that our three months of lockdown had been worth it and that his swimmers had started swimming in the right direction and there were more of them. Compared to daily jabs that send you doo-lally, getting swimmers into a pot and delivered at Kings' Assisted Conception Unit (ACU) is not only quite an enjoyable experience in comparison to daily doo-lally jabs, but let's face it - it's something that most men should be more than capable of! The Hubster, kindly offered to "wa*k every day" if it meant it would make things better!!! Brilliant! That was nearly the title of this blog but I thought it might not get through the Google listings, but it's nice to know that the Hubster is thinking of me!

Anyhow, today was baseline scan day - OMG - how nervous were we?! We drove to Kings on a very cold morning (even I thought it was a bit chilly), it was so chilly I kept Paul's pot of swimmers under my arm pit to keep them warm! With only an hour allowed from production to delivery, keeping them warm was top priority just in case we got stuck in traffic - if they got too cold they'd start dying and we didn't want that.

We arrived bang on time and got seen at about 11am - a baseline scan - for those of you who don't know is a scan of the womb. Unlike an antenatal scan your bladder must be empty, and the scan is not conducted on your lower belly like when you're pregnant but via your foof! For my first scan this rather alarmed me, but it's nothing really - loads of forums bang on about discomfort and pain but a smear is far, far worse. A baseline scan doesn't hurt at all - you're given a sheet to protect your modesty and the nurse doesn't have a look at your foof, she's more interested in your womb. So if you are reading this and are about to have your first baseline scan please don't flap - it's nothing to worry about and is over really quickly! I don't find the scans that bad as I think its really cool to have a good old look at your womb (as did the Hubster). The scan is to check the lining of your womb and to check that your ovaries are nice and barren; basically it's to check that the daily doo-lally jabs have done what they're supposed to, and you've put yourself through hell and back for a reason - that you've shut down. Your womb lining needs to be no thicker than 5mm thick - even I knew just by looking at the scan that I'd shut down as my womb looked very different when compared to the last time I had a look. I'm very pleased to tell you that and mine is now 4mm thick at best! WOO HOO!!!

So I can move on to the stimulation phase - this is bloody brilliant news. BUT it now means I have to do  two injections a day, I have to stick with 50 units of buserelin a day and start the Gonal F jabs - both jabs at the same time every day, on alternate sides of my belly (apparently I'll start feeling better as my body stocks up on FSH so it's all good). The Gonal F jab is pre-loaded with the follicle stimulation hormone (FSH) so it should be easier to deal with - one injection of each a day for another 10 days and then things will start to moving quickly: VERY EXCITING!

And now for the final bit of good news (drum roll please)... The Hubster's swimmer results are in. There has been a MASSIVE improvement, so much so that we are now on the cusp of having either ICSI (more on that another time) or straight forward IVF, so we are now borderline ICSI/IVF - I can't tell you how impressed I am. So it just goes to show for you chaps out there who are in denial about your manhood and reckon you can drink whatever you want and smoke whatever you want: being well behaved and cutting back on all of those toxins DOES have an impact. If you and your lady are thinking it'd be nice to have a mini-me of your own in a year or two you need to start looking after your health and start tweaking your lifestyle now, and I'm not just talking about cutting back the booze and stopping the fags, I'm talking about vitamins, diet and stress - every aspect of your lifestyle can affect your fertility. Whatever you do don't take your fertility for granted as if you lose it, it can be quite an effort to get it back and before you know it you're off down to your local hospital to have fertility tests. Trust me chaps, ladies are used to getting their foofs checked out but lets face it - you men have issues chatting about your emotions let alone having to get your swimmers analysed by your local NHS trust; if you have the power to do so this should be avoided if at all possible and it's only you chaps who can change that - this is one thing us ladies have no control over. Take it from someone who knows only too well how much anguish this can cause, don't leave baby making to the very last minute thinking you'll get pregnant straight away as that's not always the case (just because so and so did and they were hardcore ravers doesn't mean the same will happen for you), and if you're a lady then I don't even need to mention the dreaded biological clock... I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that three months of exemplary behaviour has actually done something good - that on top of generally winding down over the past 18 months has proven that it can be done, you get what you put in. High-five to the Hubster!

So, I'm signing off for today - next scan is in 10 days time (25 January) and if all is on track, it'll be systems go, go, go! Until then I'm moving on to the 2nd track on my IVF belief CD, I'm keeping positive and taking the side-affects in their stride.

Catch ya later :)

Fancy a game of mood swing ball?

Day 15 of Down Regulation

Today I don't have much to report other than: meh!

Woke up with a headache, this is now an everyday occurance - thanks to my bessie Emma I now have some 4head. 4head is a lemon menthol stick that you rub across your forehead when you get a headache - and it works - genius! So 10 minutes later headache disappeared but I was still in a bad mood and I  have remained so all day - meh!

This has obviously been brewing since yesterday as I had a 10 minute sob with the Hubster yesterday afternoon just as he was prepping for his radio show (he can be so patient sometimes). Once I'd calmed down it was then I started on my first blog entry and I felt immediately better after I had splurged my IVF story/rant. Maybe that's the key to coping with IVF - having a daily rant (but then I tend to do that anyway).

I managed to crack a few smiles having a mid-Sunday morning boogie in the front room, had lunch at the 'spoon with Mum and Mama & Papa C but then I was just too hot and had to go outside to cool off four times (with just a t-shirt on, I was too steamy even to wear my specs this lunch time so I left them at home). All this made me grumpy and I apologised after lunch; I knew I'd been a bit punchy - oops.

So this is a short and sweet entry; despite all your positivity, amazing Hubster and friends, IVF belief CDs - sometimes you're just grumpy and in no moody for socialising or being happy and cheery! I'm recognising why I'm grumpy and I understand why its happening but it takes effort to take yourself out of the negative zone, so that's when its time to listen to The Orb! Its like trying to stop the black cloud us ladies associate with PMT - at times this can be a challenge.

So my lovely, patient Hubster has now gone out in search of crumpets as its the one thing I want to eat! Bless him - I do have a hint of a smile, fingers crossed despite it being Monday tomorrow, it will be a better day.

My jab / hazard box were I put all used needles.

I'm not quite feeling myself...

Hi 

I'm Johanna - otherwise known as Jojo (or Jo) to all my friends. I've written a few blogs in the past but I've never been able to maintain them - they need to fill a need right? You need to feel that you are adding value to cyberspace; if you're not adding value and you're struggling to write then there really is no point in continuing. I've been looking for my next passion to get me blogging and by jove I think I've found it: the quest to make a mini-me! How bloody hard can it be?! That is the question?

Well it can be mighty hard and I don't think anyone can fully understand just how hard it can be until the trying starts and if after six months there's no bun in the oven - that's when fear starts to rear its ugly head. My Hubster and I are way past the six month stage and are now at the IVF stage. This is my truthful blog about what the IVF journey is really like, as no amount of preparation can truly get you ready for this journey. I hope my few words might help set the record straight; we all take it for granted that making a baby will be easy and that we can carry on raving it up until the very last second of our youth but trust me - it doesn't always work out like that, it might take years to get pregnant...

I'm on day 14 of down regulation; for those of you out there who don't know what that means, here's an explanation: in order for IVF to work the woman needs to shut down completely. Then the clinic can control your hormones and the only way they can do that is if there isn't any fertile activity g'wan - ironic hey? (I spent three years making myself work and now you're putting a halt to all that hard work?! WTF?!) The hormones that you initially start injecting with (some use spray but I'm injecting) shut all of your female reproductive hormones down - in short - you're given a chemical menopause - whoop de whoop!

Now I thought I was prepared, I've read everything there is to read, forums, booklets, medical journals, spoken to friends who have been through it (and are still going through it), gotten healthy and made sure I was fully vitamined up but my god - NOTHING PREPARES YOU!!! It's a bit like a two week come down that gradually gets worse - or having PMT on a monumental scale. BUT its not always that bad and it is manageable if you have the right attitude but it is tough, very tough on both the Hubster and me (obviously).

I inject 50 units of buserelin every evening at 7:30pm. My first injection all seemed wrong and I freaked (first proper IVF tears). I had a word with myself and and I "womaned up!" Stop crying woman and just get on with it! Its only an injection! If I'm honest, all of this is to make a baby and if I'm scared of injecting myself gawd knows what I'll be like when it comes to getting the baby out?! Fast forward five days and I'm jabbing myself mid Harry Potter studio tour - can't let this shizzle get in the way of a trip to Hogwarts now can I?! So trust me, if I can "woman up" and get used to daily jabs then anyone can - I actually think my fear of injections has left me - every cloud. To see what I inject daily check the photo at the end of this post.

BUT fast forward eight days of doing the jabs and that's when the fun starts, get to day 14 like I'm on and I wouldn't quite call it fun but its starting to get interesting:

• Mood swings
• Tears, lots of tears - big fat ones that roll uncontrollably down your face.
• Feeling HOT HOT HOT! And I don't mean hot in a sexy way - I mean sweaty roasting hot, when your specs steam up immediately when you get on the tube, and whilst everyone else is wrapped up you're positively ecstatic at the thought of a snowball fight in your cossie! Turning up to work after a stress free 45 minute journey with sopping wet hair and damp armpits is generally not the kinda look I'm after but such is life! This they don't tell you when they inform you of the hot flush side-affect, I thought I'd just feel a bit warm, not like I'd just jumped head first into the lido (in summertime) fully clothed... Nice! Ladies: as Baden-Powell would say: "Be prepared!"
• Forgetfulness - this translates to faffing and taking forever to do a simple task. The other morning it took me 1hr 40mins to get out the door to go to work. In that time I totally forgot where my specs were and had a proper meltdown - full on sobbing until I found them. Mid spectacle hunt I started to have a monumental hot flush so I took my cardi off, then I forgot where I put my cardi and spent a further 10 minutes searching for it - whimpering?! ARGH - SOOOOO FRUSTRATING!
• Headaches - MoFo, MoFo, MoFo.
• Loss of appetite - force feeding is now a daily occurrence.
• Insomnia - this is amplified when you're married to a man who snores, queue mood swings at this point and after three consecutive nights of barely any sleep, tears, exhaustion and clumsiness.
• Exhaustion - and not just when you haven't slept. I had to cancel two lunch dates with a friend and was late for two other lunches over the Christmas break as I just couldn't wake up and get my sorry bottom out of bed. Akin to being a teenager when sleep was the centre of your universe - getting out of bed at times is an impossibility.
• Clumsy - I headbutted the windowsill the other night (I'd dropped my headphones and I'm still looking for them. I bumped my head so hard I forgot about looking for my headphones!) I had hysterical laughter and tears for 15 minutes, to which my bemused Hubster tried to see if there was blood. No blood but I still have a comical bump - this all adds to the general sense of "sexiness" (said in a sarcastic voice).

Basically a woman hits the menopause when she gets to 45 - 55 and it takes roughly 18 months from start to finish and is a gradual process. Well condense that to 2.5 weeks and you can imagine the resulting carnage! HAPPY DAYS!!!

I have a very patient Hubster - we've been together an eternity and he's seen me in every which way I come but this is something else. IVF is a very frustrating thing for my lovely Hubster - he has been amazing and I love him very much - how he hasn't lost his rag with me (yet) is beyond me?! It's all happening to me - of course he plays a vital role in what is about to happen and has had to stop smoking, cut down on the booze and generally stop our party lifestyle (not as hard it sounds, our IVF journey started long before I started treatment, we'd started winding down a good while ago limiting ourselves to a few nights out a year with Bestival or Festibelly thrown in for good measure. But Summer 2012 was going to be big and will be known in years to come as our last hurrah - a time where we were able to celebrate being together as a couple - in moderation of course; we hoped 2013 would be the year we finally got pregnant). Summer 2012 will always be remembered as the year my best friend got married to Tom; their wedding festival marked the beginning of a summer jam-packed with fun and included us going on a Courtney record breaking: five festivals, Greece for 10 days, the Olympics and Paralympics - we went out with style knowing our IVF treatment was imminent. Oh what fun we had! My Hubster has adjusted super quick to his now irrational wife who sobs almost on command, he scoops me up daily, calls me (fallen) Angel, makes me crackup laughing several times a day. In short he makes it all worth it as this is about US and not just me - two want to become three so whatever it takes...

My coping mechanism is this: The IVF Belief CD. Without listening to this CD every night I doubt I'd still be laughing and generally stress free and super positive (with the daily exception). As despite all of the above I am super optimistic. Believing that all of this will be worth it is half the battle, not taking yourself too seriously but making sure you are chilled and are looking after yourself is also very important. 

My friends joke that I've become their vitamin pusher; for a good while now I have been investing in my body, looking at what I eat, what vitamins and minerals I take, cutting caffeine out (apart from one coffee in the morning - having a "proper cup of tea" has now become a real treat), stopping the social smoking and cutting my booze intake right down. On NYE at Emma and Tom's party I was rather tipsy after two small glass of champagne! They were swiftly followed by a jug of water and later on I was on the spritzers - all three of them! I was happily whisked home at 3am after having a good old dance and feeling sober, it proves it can be done. So booze, when drunk has been watered down for a good while now, the full fat stuff knocks me sideways! I've spent a small fortune in Holland & Barratt on:

Agnus castus

Starflower oil

Folic acid

Vitamin C

Selenium

B6

Co-enzyme Q10

Zinc & copper

Pregncare conception

Wellman conception

I recommend anyone trying for a baby takes some if not all of the above when they start their journey. Vitamins, exercise (in moderation - I had to stop running which I still haven't quite gotten over), and healthy eating; brazil nuts and pineapple juice are both rich in selenium and broccoli is high in zinc - both good for the swimmers.

Given that I've compared down regulation to having a monumental come down here's another one of my coping mechanisms: The Orb. If you need to chill then you NEED to listen to Little Fluffy Clouds. The Orb's Little Fluffy Clouds takes all my stress and negative energy away, off they float into the universe and they leave me alone. 

And finally - other than my wonderful Hubster, healthy living, The Orb and hypnotherapy CDs - my friends help keep me sane. I am blessed with the most awesome group of friends (you know who you are), and for them I am so very grateful. They let me be me and my gosh - they have amazing patience and listening skills (and they're all hilarious - they make me laugh so hard and I love them to the moon and back - they are ***totes amaze***). I may appear to be blaśe about IVF and my journey but they know the gravitas of what is happening here. So at the very least, if you're reading this and are in the same situation as me but have a very different attitude and are keeping your IVF journey very private, its worth considering leaning on your friends. Given how I have reacted to the drugs there is no way on God's earth I could've kept our IVF journey a secret. If I had tried I would've revealed all after being harassed over my strange behaviour: your friends provide support when you need it most and without my friends I would be lost. 

I have to go and do my 14th jab so I'm signing off. Not every entry will be this long - I'm just setting the scene! So catch me later as I fill you in on mine and the Hubster's quest to make a mini-me. 

50 units of buserelin, 7:30pm dally for 2 - 3 weeks.